I know I am repeating myself here, but thank you all this wisdom is invaluable.
But I need to clear some things up as I address the last few responses.
First - The A began as a cry out by my wife for an emotional connection that I was not giving at the time and this escalated to a PA because of the connection made...... and yes the purpose of their potential getting together is CLEAR. i think a big part of the PA is that the OM was having issues in his marriage and has began divorce proceedings. i believe the drug/addiction scenario is valid on both sides of this affair along with the what could be dreamings.....
second - ever since W and I had discussion I highlighted in the OP there has been no face to face contact w OM, this was due to things on his end, and I'd like to think the reconnecting W and I were doing. However recently there has been digital contact.
third - Where I am at know is that I know what happened in the past and have come to some level of acceptance and for ME to be able to continue working on this M I need the contact between them to stop. Which yes, means I need to confront her and bring the A out in the open. As I said before if need be I can point to evidence that is by no means difficult to add together and come up with the correct solution.
And I know that my W is suffering greatly internally. I have repeatedly mentioned that I would like her to open up to me as that is how the M will begin to get back on track, like opened to her during that discussion, and trust me I truely opened up and alot of what I said was difficult for me. And she knows this given her reaction that day and subsequently. I also think that she wants me to say something about it because she is the type of person that will internalize so much that it causes her pain just so that she does not cause conflict, EVER. This combined with the fact that I have noticed observed several things that if one wanted them to remain hidden one could do so easily.
For myself I cannot sit idly by and let this happen any longer. Yes things happened in the recent past and I was unaware. The difference is that for me to be willing to work on this M I need her to be willing as well. for me this means receiving the respect I deserve from her and having the A end, period. The past few weeks have been amazing compared to the recollections of things to when the EA/PA began. She has noticed several of my changes, and yes while she has said things her actions as starsky suggested have spoken louder.
And make no mistake yes, the changes I have made are dual purposed, I realize this. Firstly though, I didn't like the person I became. I had been leading up to this realization for a decent amount of time, but I lacked the clarity I needed. I found that clarity and made the changes right then and there. and yes they ar for life as I have already seen the difference in my interactions with other people beyond my W. And i like these responses, but make no mistake, I do want them to have a positive effect on my W's outlook at me and I want her to realize i AM the better choice. the problem as someone else mentioned is getting her to believe they are 100% for real, because I already know they are.....
this may have been rambling a bit to address the last few comments I received, but you all have helped me devise a game plan for myself that I am comfortable with for my own mental and emotional health, let alone physical (which yes has taken a hit).
I only ask that you please check back as I will try to read responses and post when I can while away this weekend. while I have never met any of you I value you all for helping me during this troubling time and thank you for sharing with me your past experiences.
