Thanks for the words and I agree with you. I think I am THE PERSON to give her what she needs. Words can't really express how much I truly love my wife. I feel like there is no hope now. I hate feeling this way, I just cant help it right now.
I really think I screwed up yesterday, just don't know how bad. For the last few days, things have been good. We have been talking as friends more than usual, I have been detached as much as I can, spending lots of time with the kids, etc. she has made several vague comments about the future. Some seemed (loosely) to include me, most were about separation. Things like "my friend will be moving soon and I thought about giving her some of the extra stuff we have(dishes, silverware), oh, unless we may need them (hint about splitting things for separation. We both kinda just laughed it off and topics changed. Overall, things have been, well the same. She also has been talking about doing one of those "in home" product demo/sales things. She didnt have the money to purchase the startup kit so i said that i want her to do something she enjoyed and i would help her. I put the $500 kit on my credit card and told her we could work out the payback later. She thanked me a couple of times and again, she was very talkative stating her excitement. Then last night I had to open my big mouth. We were both cleaning up the house last night. She seemed a little more frustrated and distant than the days before. She had made a comment about something, and I stupidly asked something like " so when are we gonna set down and go over the Separation paperwork?" she seemed to get really mad. She again turned it to my communication skills and how they were bad. She said " you can never ask me for a day to set down and discuss things. You just blurt them out whenever." she expressed her concerns about not having medical coverage for herself and D15 (who is my step d) . I said that I still wanted to adopt D15 so she would be covered. I also said I would help her with medical coverage, so not to worry with that. She said a few for comments, kind of smart assed ones, and I said look W, "this was never what I wanted, I still don't want this. You are the one that sees no hope. If you want it to be over, there is nothing I can say or do to change you mind. Again, your the one that doesn't want to be married" . She said "look at that wall.This is the same as it always is. It's like banging your head against the wall, over and over (somehow referencing us arguing, me trying to win her back, me not doing what I promised, etc.) I told her this was not the same because she refuses to work on us and I can't do it anymore. I said that I was not trying to win her back. I said "I am done W. DONE" I walked away and left her standing there. I went to kiss all the kids goodnight and tucked them in. Then I left. I stayed gone until about 2:30 am. When I got home, of course she was in bed.
When I woke up this morning, she was awake. I came upstairs whistling acting in a good mood. I greater her, she greeted back. She made a comment about me staying out late and I didn't really say anything about it. I kissed D4 and left.
I was at work for a little while, when W texted me a Facebook notification she got about a motorcycle ride. She said "not sure if you got the notification" I replied back No, I don't have FB(she knows this) and thanked her. I asked If she planned on taking her bike and going. She said that she was afraid to get that far away and have problems. I reassured her that she wouldn't have problems with her bike and it sounded like a good time. She said she thought I may enjoy it. Then she said "D4 would like to have lunch with you" and that she was on base. I replied "tell D I'd love to have lunch". I'll be meeting her in a few minutes for lunch.
So, someone give me some feedback. Did I screw up with separation talk? I truly love my wife and do not want divorce. I didn't know why I even brought it up. Things were going pretty well otherwise. Thanks in advance.
