On 10/10/10

[ericmsant2]

Tad

Honestly, there are days when I feel like a piece of dog sh!t

Poodle or Pit chit? Just kidding….Seriously though, what exactly makes you feel like a piece of canine excrement?

I also cannot tell her to go f*ck herself. That is not who I am.

Why? I mean really Tad..why not? Being angry is totally okay dude. You have continued to try and take the high road, you have continue to try being nice – it has not worked.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here…I think you are still standing dude. I applaud you for that.

I think you need to figure out if YOU want to stand or not. You really cannot do both. YOU stand or YOU don’t.

I’m gonna assume you still want to and FTR, I totally support that!

So if you are still standing…we need to go back to DB basics i.e. doing what works, not going down cheese less tunnels,etc.

Not being angry at her HAS NOT worked. I’m not saying to pulled up in the driveway and scream obscenities at her (although if you desire to do this…I have this one neighbor who is a pain in the arse ). What I am saying is that maybe Tad….SHE WANTS to see a little fire in ya.

I also know that I am not the devil that she has made me out to be even though I have struggled with that from time to time.

Forgiving ourselves is probably the hardest thing to do. I know. You play back every interaction, every mistake you made…you play it back over and over and over again. It is a process. As I mentioned DB basics…..the ole…”Stop Sign” approach. The minute you begin to think about a time when you f*cked something up, IMMEDIATELY think of something else. Something more positive.

The hardest thing for me now is deciding what I want out of life.

Funny…my GF is dealing with this as we speak. SO Tad, what is life to you? I mean really…can you write down 10 things that make you happy. They could be anything…anything…just 10 thinks that make you happy. Then write down, what your ideal life looks like..get specific dude. Can you post those? If not, you know how to reach me.

I am just confused about being the "lighthouse" if I choose to be. How can I be that "lighthouse" if I ignore everything from her?

First…this is why I believe that you are still standing. Second….how are you the lighthouse? Hmmm….you are the lighthouse based on how YOU live YOUR life. You are the lighthouse, when you are HAPPY and living in PEACE. Trust me, she will know (you guys have kids together). You are also the lighthouse by allowing her the space and time to make her mistakes, miss you, and come to the conclusion on HER OWN…that she wants the life that you are NOW or in the FUTURE going to…LIVE.

if she DOES need to talk, I want her to that I am here.

Don’t fool yourself…SHE KNOWS you are there for her. IMO, right now, being there is hurting YOU GOAL more than you think. DB is counterintuitive.

Finally, I am sorry for pushing you to move forward…I just realized that you really do want to stand and I want you to know that I am here to support you in any way I can.

Eric