Also - let me just say, don't jump to any conclusions.
By your own admission, you have just begun making changes, and things are going well. But it would be foolish to expect that your wife immediately trusts your changes are permanent and dumps the OM.
She is probably going through a time of confusion, and it may not serve you to bring up the affair quite yet.
What if you KNEW that this meeting with OM next week, was going to be her opportunity to tell him it's over? Or, what if you knew that she was going to see him and he was going to suffer by comparison to the new you, thus leading her to break it off?
Either of those scenarios are possible. You may want to be just a little more patient and see how things pan out.
Ellie
I couldn't disagree more. This is a time for him to LEAD, not sit passively by doing the Bo-Peep thing.
What if you KNEW that this meeting with OM next week, was going to be her opportunity to tell him it's over? Or, what if you knew that she was going to see him and he was going to suffer by comparison to the new you, thus leading her to break it off?
By this train of thought, every betrayed spouse that feels they are "the better option" for their cheating spouse, should just allow the cheating spouse to meet up with their OM/OW without any discussion or confrontation. That's horrible logic.
Yes, MakeItRight should BE the better option . . . doing everything he can to improve himself and work on those issues that HE believes he needs to work on to become a better mate, be it for his wife or for someone else down the road. But I don't think he should sit idly by and just wait for his wife to take an EA to a full-blown PA, and do nothing . . . do you?
Unfortunately I was going to bring up a few minor things last night but between her work load and having to pack for our weekend, she was too tired for it to be fruitful. I plan on staying the course and discussing things today as we await our departure, trying to set a good tone for a fun weekend. Interestingly the family member who I mentioned earlier is going to be there as well, which provides for a potentially interesting dynamic. I only plan on being the new me and showing the better person I am mostly for me, but I can't help but think some people will notice......
As for the confronting, I am leaning more towards taking some additional time off of work. As Eric stated this investment of time is extremely worth it. Other things are working out in favor of creating a good plausible story for me to take this additional time off as well, so no suspiscions should be raised. Additionally I received some good financial news that I will be making part of the confrontation/looking towards the future of us discussion that I would have with her in a few weeks (there was a financial component to all this as well, but by no means am I stating it was the cause).
I appreciate all the insight and input this has been very helpful and therapeutic to hear from people with different angles from their experiences.
But I don't think he should sit idly by and just wait for his wife to take an EA to a full-blown PA, and do nothing . . . do you?
I want to be clear and respond to Starsky's comment. I am not suggesting that you sit idly around and allow the afair to flourish. What I do feel (and ftr, this is based on what you wrote) is that since things are going good for you, that you wait and monitor for a SHORT PERIOD of time to see if she has truly seen the changes in you. An EA especially for a women is just as bad as a PA. So, in my opionion this going physical would not make a difference..she already has an emotional connection.
So let's play this out...
Scenario 1 - She is about to tell OM that it is over. You say F it and confront her. In shame (and she should have it), she flips, she NOW knows that YOU KNOW her secret. So in pain she runs back to OM. What have you gain here? Did you accomplish YOUR goals?
Scenario 2 - She does not tell OM it is over and keeps leading you on. You feel like crap knowing that your W if banging someone esle. You confront her either after the trip or before it and one of two things happens - she ends it or she doesn't. At this point you will need to determine what it is that YOU want to do.
Scenario 3 - You do nothing for a long time, while your W keeps banging someone else. You sit around hoping that she "wakes the F up" or finally sees how much you love her or she comes running back to you when OM dumps her ass. Not the ideal scenario but hey it is an option.
Personally, I'll say again MIR, you need to do what YOU think is best for YOU. Not what I think, not what Starsky thinks...nope what you think. My only advice is to understand why you are going to do something and......to make sure it is in line with being the MAN THAT YOU WANT TO BE.
Good Luck Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
FTR, I am advocating not just "what I think." I'm advocating what WORKED for me, and what I have seen work most often for OTHERS.
Also, one of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
What MIR has to determine is, IS what he's doing "working" in a REAL sense of the word? Or is his wife just being NICER to him?
I don't believe it is wise to try to judge people by their intentions, only by their ACTIONS. Right now, his wife's actions are clearly WAYWARD, and my advice comes with that as an underpinning.
Scenario 1 - She is about to tell OM that it is over. You say F it and confront her. In shame (and she should have it), she flips, she NOW knows that YOU KNOW her secret. So in pain she runs back to OM. What have you gain here? Did you accomplish YOUR goals?
Scenario 2 - She does not tell OM it is over and keeps leading you on. You feel like crap knowing that your W if banging someone esle. You confront her either after the trip or before it and one of two things happens - she ends it or she doesn't. At this point you will need to determine what it is that YOU want to do.
Scenario 3 - You do nothing for a long time, while your W keeps banging someone else. You sit around hoping that she "wakes the F up" or finally sees how much you love her or she comes running back to you when OM dumps her ass. Not the ideal scenario but hey it is an option.
Scenario 4 - MIR has no objecdtive evidence to indicate his wife is about to end things with OM -- in fact, what he does know, is that they are about to get together (although we don't know for what purpose, but c'mon . . . ) So he gathers his evidence, and lovingly but firmly confronts his wife and lets her know that while he wants to remain married and work on their issues, he has no intention of doing so while there is another man in the picture. He tells her to "end your affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me, and I think you'll find me more than willing to work on all issues -- including my own."
It's naive at best, and dangerous at worst to operate on this assumption of "what if his wife is about to end it with OM?" when he has zero objective evidence of that.
Keep in mind that even in Divorce Busting there comes a point where they talk about The Last Resort Technique, After the Last Resort Technique and Ultimatums. They say these are to be used when you have exhausted the patient waiting and trying to win back your spouse to a better you. The danger is that you can en up in limbo for a LONG time until you decide to use these techniques.
Limbo is NOT a place you want to be. What happens in limbo? Often:
- erosion of the family's finances, as sometimes two residences are maintained, legal fees are incurred (by one or both parties), family finances are spent directly or indirectly on the affair (gifts, large cellphone bills, trips, etc. etc.)
- erosion of the betrayed spouse's self-confidence, emotional health and sometimes even physical health (and I'm not even TALKING about the very-real STD issue here);
- strengthening of the emotional and physical bond between the affair partners. Affairs are highly addictive, and like most (all?) addictions, they usually ESCALATE before they ever peter out (if they even do).
- children (where applicable) suffer. Kids are sensitive, and the stress in a home that has been invaded by adultery is NOT pretty. Kids are left confused, hurt, sometimes unsupervised and almost always traumatized in some way. Just ask the now-adults of their parents' childhood affairs and divorces.
- The cheating spouse themself suffers. Contrary to what us betrayed spouses think, they are usually NOT enjoying their affairs. Trying to live the level of deceit necessary to pull it off is unbelievably stressful, the guilt tears at them, they often lose close family and friend relationships as those people learn about the infidelity, and cheaters often lose weight and overall physical health and rigor. They are often borderline or outright depressed. IT'S NOT PRETTY. Nor is Limbo. It's no way for anyone to live the life that God gave them.
- The cheating spouse themself suffers. Contrary to what us betrayed spouses think, they are usually NOT enjoying their affairs. Trying to live the level of deceit necessary to pull it off is unbelievably stressful, the guilt tears at them, they often lose close family and friend relationships as those people learn about the infidelity, and cheaters often lose weight and overall physical health and rigor. They are often borderline or outright depressed. IT'S NOT PRETTY.
I want to add something here, just for the men, and I'm going to be harsh so be forewarned. MIR, this is not directed specifically at you, although it does carry "if the shoe fits" caveat:
OM are -- by definition -- PREDATORS. They are literally PREYING on your wife, and on your family, and on your family's finances, emotional and even physical health.
[b]Who are you to sit passively by -- usually in just plain old-fashioned FEAR -- and have your family PREYED UPON by another man? Did you not say a vow on your wedding day to "protect" this woman? What the hell are you thinking? Is your fear -- and your co-dependent, "pleaser/conflict-avoider" personality (and I say this as a man who is BOTH) -- more important to you than your DUTY to protect your wife and your family???
I know what people are going to say: "you can't control another adult." No, you can't. But you can damned sure throw every conceivable thing you've GOT at it, and be the sheepdog that God intended for you to go when the wolf is at the door of your family.
