Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Hopeful - it is amazing how much the dynamics in our M's seem to be the same. Glad to have someone here who gets it!

Tomorrow we are going away for our camping weekend. Still not riding in the same car, but it's actually easier not to because we have so much gear. He goes early and sets up and I can stay back and deal with the dogs and the last minute stuff.

I'm feeling pretty good about things right now. Even though I did most of the work getting ready for the campout, I'm not feeling too resentful. Honestly I like to handle it because then I know where everything is and I have some control over the situation. H and I packed his car together this afternoon and that went just fine. I told him that I just wanted to spend time with family and friends and have fun this weekend.

It will be interesting to see if he accepts me as one of his own this weekend or casts me aside in order to save face (which makes no sense). As far as I know, we're attending meals together. He's made no mention that we would be doing things separately this weekend... so I'm going into it as if everything were "fine."

In reality things are probably better between us now than they were last year. We're communicating better and thinking more. He's not reaching out to me yet, but I hope that will come back in time.

I'm so grateful for this site and for all of you. I couldn't have made it to this point without you. 4 months ago, I was exiled to my parents house and my H was guaranteeing me we'd get a D. I was absolutely desperate. Now it looks like we're off that cliff and hopefully walking back down the hill to some sort of a normal existence! Only time will tell - and I've learned not to get too excited about any of it. One step at a time.

[Breakdown]

Remember to act "as if!"

Enjoy your weekend...it sounds like fun. And don't sweat the small stuff!

[TD35]

So happy to hear your PMA towards the weekend and your sitch in general.

I hope you have a great weekend.

[mamabird]

Thanks guys. I'll try to keep some perspective. Just this am H said "we're separated" so who knows what he's thinking. I think that comment arose because he spent some $ and didn't tell me - he doesn't want to have to report in so he uses the "we're separated" argument as a loophole.

He never says that when I'm giving him his now-nightly back rubs. Funny, huh?

Have a great weekend guys!

[mamabird]

Oh my friends. I promised I would try to enjoy this campout but my curiosity got the better of me and I looked at H's phone when he left it unattended. Of course I wouldn't have looked if I hadn't felt suspicious, but it looks like there is an OW in play. One or maybe even 2. He has been deleting texts as well.


Also I have confirmed that he's been to a L who told him to sit tight.

I'm wondering what to do. I don't want to confront him about OW but its such a disgusting feeling know that this is going on. Also he hasn't told me which is fairly hypocritical given all our history.

As recently as yesterday he told OW I wish I could move on.

But also kind of bizarre, H did not set up the second tent so I assume he'll be sleeping in here w me and the boys.

I am sad and confused. Things have been getting better but I think on his heart he just wants to move along. We did ML 2 weeks ago, but maybe that has stopped because of OW. It was all I could do not to text her and tell her to leave my H alone, but I took a Xanax instead.

I know I should be detaching at this point but I feel like if I do that he'll really go to OW. Now he's at least letting me rub his back and we talk. I have never met this woman but have heard her name from time to time. She actually said she was impressed that he was doing the right thing for his kids. I'm so grossed out right now!!!

Please help - I want to be the better option but I don't know if I can. I'm heartbroken.

[hopefulinga]

LA, I really feel for you. I'm sorry that you found what you did, and yes, it is hypocritical.

Please try to restrain yourself. Please don't do what I did and let the snooping get the better of you. Are you sure he is not just confiding in her? I don't want you to end up where I am, which is in a worse situtation than I was a month ago. If she is telling him he is doing the right thing for the kids, that is a good sign.

You've made a lot of progress. I know your funds are tight, but I would make MC or something a priority right now. Is the moving on comment about you or him? The L is also telling him to sit tight, so it doesn't sound like he's flying the coop right now.

Keep doing what you've been doing. I know it is going to be hard. I have to keep POW and what H may be doing when I can't get a hold of him out of my mind. It is very hard to do. Try to keep your mind busy.

I hope that you can try to have a good rest of the weekend. I will be thinking about you.

(((((LA)))))

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

I've been following your sitch and I'm really sorry ab your recent discovery. I guess it fits with the phone call with the strange ring tone. I really enjoy your insights into your sitch and your feedback to others. You sound very clear thinking.

Your H sounds v similar to mine. You could be describing my R:

It's his preconceived notion that I don't think what he says is valid, so the hair stands up and the claws come out over nothing. This has happened over and over again, and it really spoils anything good that we might have going.

It's as if my H is completely over-sensitive to the smallest sign that he's been put down by me. He thinks everything always has to be my way. It has proven v difficult for me to counter that sense he has of me. I look forward on working on this and hope to keep learning from people like you who share this dynamic in their R.

Despite your discovery of OW(s), there do seem to be lots of positives in your sitch. In some ways, it's all the more impressive that your H is softening towards you given that there are (potential) OWs. I would definitely be feeling threatened by your progress if I put myself in the shoes of an OW. What do you make of a L saying to sit tight? I'm not sure what that means.

I hope you can manage to keep DBing this weekend. I do think you've been making progress. I look forward to hearing how it's going and send you much DBing courage in the meantime.

[mamabird]

He told her, "you're amazing", "missing you" "do you need anything, I can 'run an errand" - she is totally OW. And he is sneaking around to boot.

The lawyer said sit tight because of potential custody issues. He complains about this to OW. He wants out and I'm wondering If I should just let him go.

[hopefulinga]

LA, I'm soooo sorry. Can you make it through the weekend without letting him know that you know? You can still be the better option. You've made so much progress over the past few months.

He's still letting you give the back rubs. Pull out the mini skirts, or go buy one if you have to. Make yourself look good and you will feel good and carry yourself better.

He's still PO'd and you know that. He's still punishing you and you still have the dynamics we've been talking about. If you can't afford the MC, can you find a pastor or something?

[Denver_2010]

He told her, "you're amazing", "missing you" "do you need anything, I can 'run an errand" - she is totally OW. And he is sneaking around to boot.

The lawyer said sit tight because of potential custody issues. He complains about this to OW. He wants out and I'm wondering If I should just let him go.

I'm sorry about the latest developments LA. No one deserves this. If I'm you, my strategy shifts now. I'd confront him strongly. What I mean by that is don't let him deny it. Also don't tell him how you know. "H, I know. It doesn't matter how I found out". I don't mean argue with him, plead with him to stop, cry, yell, or anything like that. Just calmly confront him and tell him that it is unacceptable.

I'd begin to detach and start GALing for yourself. And no, I don't mean OM.

I would let him go. I think that what you have been doing up to now was good under the previous circumstances. Now, with the new information, it equates to pursuit and pressure.

Give him space and time to come to his own conclusions on what is right.

That's my 2 cents.