Keep working on the detachment, it will save you. And there is no magic incantation for detachment, it's time as much as anything.
When I was battling the contact demon I got a calendar and posted it on my fridge. Everyday without contact I crossed off with a big red X.
Yes, sounds like kindergarten but it helped. It was something I could control.
Even tho timelines are not generally good, it might be helpful to tell yourself you don't expect any contact for at least 6 months, and then in 6 months you will re-evaluate where you are.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
... But, as we agreed, time is VERY much on my side if that is the case... Here's why:
As the "darkness" continues, so too does HER life... and when things start to go wrong in her "Newly perfect world" and her instinct is to try to think of someone to blame... she'll search for me... Not finding me, she'll have to either blame someone else (friend or OM or whatever) or she'll have to start looking inward.
But even if the above paragraph is not accurate at all, by setting these boundaries lovingly and letting her know my feelings of wanting to reconcile and work on our marriage as soon as she's willing to put a little "skin in the game", I've put the ball back in her court... Which I desperately needed to do, as I've been driving this for the entire time she's been gone.
I wanted to share an email my IC sent me that's made me smile brightly today...
Alk,
I just was thinking about our session last night. I am really impressed by how you were able to articulate to W your feelings and position regarding the relationship. This is certainly not easy stuff and, although the outcome may not be known, there is oftentimes a healthy solace derived from asserting oneself in this fashion at critical times. I admire what you accomplished. Good show!
Best regards,
IC
___________________________
I wanted to share this for a couple reasons. First, it's a great validation of the things that so many of you have been suggesting and I've been working on as far as setting boundaries and lovingly detaching.
Secondly, I think this type of letter could give an awful lot of hope to the DBers in similar situations to mine... While setting up personal boundaries and detaching from our WAS is terribly difficult... oftentimes it's the only thing we can do in order to ensure we don't stunt our personal progress.
Thanks so much to each and every one of you for your helping hands along the way... I KNOW I have a long ways to go, and I know you'll all be here to help me. I'm eternally grateful for that!
That's great stuff, Alk. Sometimes we have so much in front of us, that we neglect to look BACKWARDS, at how far we've come.
Proud of you, Bro. Stay the strong course.
Starsky
ditto ^^
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I find it... interesting... that W has sent me TWO work-related emails this week.
The first one was 100% business, just asking a question about a spreadsheet she needed. Not a hint of "personal" to it.
I responded with the spreadsheet and four words: Here you are W.
Today, she emailed me yet again, letting me know that she wasn't able to complete the spreadsheet in the estimated time (which is not an issue) and would get it done by Monday.
If the email ended there, I wouldn't be posting here right now.
But she ended with "I hope you have a good weekend".
I'm not mindreading here, nor am I reading ANYTHING into this. I just find it interesting that a week after setting up these boundaries, she's included a "nicety" in her email for the first time in months.
In other news, it's a BEAUTIFUL day in South Florida and I'm determined to do something completely out of my comfort zone this weekend... Not sure what it'll be yet... But it's gonna be fun!
I'm not mindreading here, nor am I reading ANYTHING into this. I just find it interesting that a week after setting up these boundaries, she's included a "nicety" in her email for the first time in months.
Seriously, this is pretty typical, Alk. I believe she is showing you basic respect here.
