Everyone says I should but I still have fight left in me.
That's what brought be here, this place is the only place I know of that's pro-marriage and believes that troubled marriages can be saved. Everyone else says to throw in the towel including most counselors.
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I may need some anxiety meds, have others tried those?
Yes, I'm on Viibryd and it was a life-saver. It's A/D and anti-anxiety. I can tell you I was having extreme anxiety attacks, I've never had them in my life until BD, and the Viibryd completely stopped them. Unfortunately it took about 4 weeks for the meds to really stabilize and get me to a good place. Almost all of them take that long. In the meantime they can prescribe you temporary anti-anxiety pills to take whenever an attack comes on. I was taking them a few times a week, then about once a week, then eventually not at all. I've never been a proponent of taking med's for stuff like this, but I was in really, really bad shape and at the end of my rope. I am amazed at what a difference it made. PMA is really important in these situations, and in my case A/Ds were critical in getting me a real PMA and not just a pretend one as it was for a while.
I know its my decision when to throw in the towel and I've got 5 people (including my parents) screaming at me to kick him the "eff" out and count my blessings he's "gone" after he stole and sold my engagement ring. But...I just can't seem to think that way. I know I have to at least start protecting myself otherwise me and my daughter are going to be left in the cold when our house sells but I love him dearly. I made mistakes and I've owned up to them. I was not thinking clearly during my MLC but I am now and still think my M is worth saving. He can't see that now but I'm willing to wait out the storm as they say. Meds I think will help bring my mood back around which should help with my PMA which will also help my GAL-ing. My book should be here any day and I plan on devouring it in a day!!! I guess I don't know what my breaking point is yet, or when to say enough is enough. Maybe I'm stronger (or stupider) than I think. Time will tell. How is your situation? I have to get on some other threads to catch up.
"He said I'm not thinking about him or our daughter by asking him to leave. And I would just piss him off even more if I force him to. He said I don't deserve a second chance and he could never trust me again."
Next time he starts saying nonsense like this. Hold up your hand to stop him and look him DEAD in the eye and tell him that he will not talk to you like that ever again. That he is having an A so he has no right to say that you're not thinking about your D. And that if you talking to him about his affair gets him mad, then he is more than welcome to stay with his affair partner. And that your daughter will find out about him sooner or later and that if he wants to be mad at someone, to look at the mirror. That you have already apologized for the errors you've made in the marriage. However it is no excuse for his infidelity.
You have to be dead serious and confront him that way to show him that you're not going to be bossed around. Then start working on yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Get yourself strong. You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you MrBond **hugs** I did stand up for myself last night when he said I was a bad mother and it gave me much needed energy. He basically said I was not there for our daughter over the past 2 years (during MLC) and this time I have taken the blame and have felt the guilt for this. Yes, I know I made mistakes but I really thought about what I have not done and have done for my daughter over the past 2 years and I have to say, I've been a pretty damn good mom! I did run away from my H, which I deeply regret but I didn't run away from her. So I let him have it last night when he brought it up again, I will NOT let him speak to me that way or say that I am a bad mother EVER again. I know he is saying it out of anger and does not mean it but it doesn't mean I have to take it from him.
He has ignored all the things and time I have spent with her while he was away for work and with his friends over the past 2 years and basically thinks the time and acivities we are doing now is just a "ruse" to "get him back" (I think someone on here said that is probably what he thinks, good call). But I've always been this way with my daughter, always. And I don't plan on changing that now just because he thinks this way.
I still am unsure if it really is an "affair" since it was me who said "I quit" mid April. But we are still under the same roof, have shared the same bed, etc right up until the bomb dropped about the EA end of August (which is now presumably PA). To me it feels like an affair since we are not separated as of yet. I have contacted a lawyer so I can make sure I know what my legal rights are. I do not want to get vindictive, I love him!! Again, not sure if that makes me stupid, but I have to look out for me and my daughter.
Not much has changed in the past few days, unfortunately but I have been really good with my PMA. He is going to be "away" this weekend so he is still "gone for good". I finally have my book and will devour it this weekend but just not sure if it is a lost cause now. We are still living together but if he insists on moving on then I have to start preparing myself for moving on as well, even tho I love him and want it to work. But it means going to a lawyer and looking at dividing our assets which is going to turn into an ugly battle im sure of it. I don't want to stand still and let him walk over me and take everything and me and my daughter get left with nothing but how do I do this amicably? For example, he thinks when our house sells (he still will not move out) he is going to walk away with our truck and if he is serious then I cannot let him do that because half of that truck is mine and I will need money to buy a new home for me and my daughter.
Has anyone gotten to this point? Can I really go through a full legal separation and still expect things to work out someday? Am I being foolish?
Well I am hopeful. And I am worrying about me (and my daughter) and in order to do that fully, I am going to have to put him in a very hard position with his child, his finances, his life really and I feel really horrible for having to do it. And if I do all this, for example, make him sell "his" truck so we can split the money, how would he ever want to reconcile? He already said he would be pissed if I forced him out (which I can do with a court order). Isnt there a point where its taking it too far making it "look" like I've dropped the rope? I don't want to drop it at all
Well I am hopeful. And I am worrying about me (and my daughter) and in order to do that fully, I am going to have to put him in a very hard position with his child, his finances, his life really and I feel really horrible for having to do it. And if I do all this, for example, make him sell "his" truck so we can split the money, how would he ever want to reconcile? He already said he would be pissed if I forced him out (which I can do with a court order). Isnt there a point where its taking it too far making it "look" like I've dropped the rope? I don't want to drop it at all
Yes that is normally called ENABLING. Which is what you will be doing if you dont stand up for yourself and your children.
Sorry but you have to drop the rope. It is his divorce right?
I have to drop the rope? Doesn't that mean letting go of hope? So I really should give him what he is asking for and basically ruin his life in the meantime? Is this all explained in DR? To me it just sounds like I'm giving him a big "F-U".
NO! There can always be HOPE as long as it is within YOU.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
So I really should give him what he is asking for and basically ruin his life in the meantime?
No you need to have boundaries to PROTECT YOU. You do not sacrifice your life and your well being so he can run away. He needs to be held to the standards of an adult and not protected like a child. He needs reality to smack him in the face. You do not do the work so he can get divorced. Make him do it. But dont roll over and play dead either. Show him you have a backbone and can stand up for your rights.
