I'm gonna go with this thread title to encourage myself! After all, who is the one calling the neighbors to ask them to keep their Great Pyrenees dogs on their side of the fence? Me! Who is the one on the side of the road pouring oil into the Mustang engine? Me! Who is healing and accepting and planning an awesome life post -D? Me! Lol!
Days are strange. The only thing I can figure is H is going through with D but is emotionally attached to me.
We had a rough exchange yesterday. He came over, as expected. I don't hug him now; just sort of acknowledge him. So he, S12 and me are sitting in the living room and I am reading a magazine. H wants to know what I'm reading. He talks about a football game (he hates sports) from S19's university that he is going to "with some folks" on Saturday.
I felt pi$$ed to have to hear that so I went in the bedroom and shut the door. I have removed him from "news feed" on FB and pretty much don't look at FB at all any more. I don't want to know what he is doing or who he is doing it with. It had become somewhat of an addiction for me to look and see where he was, whether he was online or not, and who his new friends are. I deleted all his party pics I had in my photo album. I feel pretty good about that detachment.
So, of course, he followed me in later & talks D. He asked if this wasn't a good time for me. I was in a mood! So I said there will never be a good time for me to talk D. We just have to get through this but don't expect me to be happy about it like you are. This was kind of cruel to say because I know he is agonizing too.
So some more back & forth. He pulls a paper outta his pocket he had printed on visitation schedule and reads it aloud. The exchanging on holidays even and odd years, the every other weekend visits. The vacation weeks in the summer. I was just picturing our happy little S12 and how he is absolutely going to HATE this all. But he'll quietly do it even though agonizing inside. So I quietly started to sob and couldn't stop.
H says, I see this isn't going anywhere, I grabbed my keys and my purse and said I was leaving and for him to text me when he was gone. I said to him, "I'm not angry at you, my heart is just totally broken and I don't think you can really understand that.".
I think it was unfair to say that because I know he is going through so much. But at the moment I was so tired of freakin' everything being bout HIM!! Hey, I have emotions too!
So, I drove in the convertible about an hour to a beautiful state park with a lake. We have camped there before and ridden mountain bikes on their trails. I was sobbing like a crazy woman the whole way there. Probably not the best condition in which to drive. But the beauty of the place, the gentle lapping of the waves, calmed my soul and I could drive back in peace.
Meanwhile back at home, H didn't stay very long and texted me when he left. (after showering here which is starting to pi$$ me off). S12 said H rode his dirt bike but fell and hurt his shoulder.
THEN, in the evening H texts me around 8:30 "I'm drunk. How are you?". I know some people do that but H NEVER texts or calls admitting he is drunk. This was different. He was in "fine form" as they say.
It was weird, we both sent pics of our lava lamps at the same time. His is a dud and mine is exuberant! He asked if he could have mine and I said no, but there was another one packed away he could take. Just one of those every day occurrences that feels like it has layers of meaning.
We did like 70 texts with him doing most of it. Finally he said he was going to bed. I wonder how he'll feel this morning for work. But it's not my problem.
I still don't think he is going to change his mind about D. I still remain detached but curious about his behaviors.
This is a terrible time for me but I think I can get through it. And I'm going to do it without a crutch like alcohol. Like going through childbirth without pain medication. I feel alive and vibrant for the most part. Although I did cry a lot yesterday. Lots of hot tears just rolling out of my eyes. This was before H came over.
Thank you again for this place, this forum. I really don't think my divorce will be busted, but I think I'll be able to live in a healthy way on the other side, because of the support, help, advice here. I think about you all and your sitches every day and wonder how you are and how you are coping.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I'm going to make a suggestion and I hope you will understand where I am coming from. You need to slow down your texting w/him. If he texts you, wait several hours or even the next day to text back. He's not going to miss you if you are texting back and forth. He needs to feel the aloneness, just as you have. He needs space to think about what he's doing and if he's thinking about you, as a special friend and texting quite often, he will not put his focus where it should be.
Also, you need to set some boundaries about your living space. Are you going to your h's place to shower? If the answer is no, then you need to stop this behavior. Your home is the living space for you and your son. It is not the Holiday Inn or the gym locker room. He needs to respect your space, just as you are not in his.
I think from what I've been reading from your postings, that your h thinks that this cool behavior that you two are sharing right now will continue after the divorce. He doesn't realize that divorce comes w/consequences.
His calling to tell you he was drunk was a call looking for empathy and he knew that your son would tell you about him hurting his shoulder. It may have been his way of opening the door again since you walked out of the home and told him to text when he left. They do not like for us to be mad at them because it makes them feel guilty. As you know, drinking will not help him, but it is his way of self-medicating. When he's like that, try not to respond back to his texts. He needs to grow up and he can't do it if "mom" is there to make him feel better and put a boo boo strip on his achy soul.
You've come a long way and I don't want to see you fall into his dark pit w/him. I do like the title of your thread, so put your boots on and get ready to kick some a$$ because you need to think about setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, snodderly. I needed that! I am ready. For boundaries. For not being his mom any more.
I shouldn't be so worried about the visitation either. He has promised S12 since the beginning of the summer they would take a few days together and do something fun -- waverunning, dirt biking, boy stuff. Is this mid-October? Next week, H is going for two weeks for Florida/Puerto Rico vacation but hasn't taken S12 anywhere. It's not like I think that'll change a whole lot. And if H did become more interested, it would most likely be better for S12.
Your quote: "He doesn't realize that divorce comes w/consequences." How very true this is.
My boundary will be this Puerto Rico trip. I'm going to tell him visits with S12 will be elsewhere after that. Me not included. I'm not going to be taxi service.
H also said he will fix up a few things around the house for me that he let go. I think that is a bad idea. It is like the texting thing. Gets his foot in the door as a way to see me. Or act like he is visiting boys when he really isn't.
I can either learn to do the stuff myself or hire someone to do it for me.
And let me ask you about this. In one of my softer moments (or crazy?) I said we could share ownership on our SUV. I feel bad H is only going to have a two-seater car and I'll have three cars. I really need the SUV living out here in the country. So...I told him we could share. It's sounds like a REALLY bad idea, doesn't it? At least I didn't sign for it. I still feel like his mom--wanting to take care of him.
And he is offering me less money than what I have in my expenses. And that was before income taxes. Did he want me to negotiate? He says we spend too much on food. Hello? I have two teenage boys. And we eat the way we always have.
He talked about just filing for D without using a L to save money. But that's a bad idea. I also said we would split our savings about $15K after D fees. He pointed out that meant I would pay for D too, which I didn't realize. So we are going to split it first, then he pays for D. So at least he is fair there, which I did appreciate.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
1) He's promised to spend time w/his son...it's not going to happen any time soon. I wouldn't put much into his words right now...actions speak louder than words. He's into the "me" world right now.
2) Your h expects that things will remain the same and you will be right where he left you after the divorce and his crisis is over. Life moves on and so will you and your children. It doesn't stay still very long. He's on the wheel of mlc and it turns and turns and doesn't go anywhere, but you and your sons will grow and learn from this experience and will suffer the pain and heartache right now...he will later, if he wakes up.
3) While he is gone, sit down and put your proposed boundaries on paper so that you can be ready to implement them upon his return. No, you shouldn't be a taxi service because he does have a vehicle and can pick his son up and return him home. The most important thing is that once you've implemented boundaries, stick to them. If you waffle, he'll test you each and every time about them.
4) If he offers to repair things, it is because of guilt and yes, possibly, keep one foot in the door and keep an eye on you and what you are going and w/whom. If he does do the repairs, don't be around when he does them, i.e., go into another room, be less available. If he completes them, be sure to say thank you, just as you would if someone came to do them for you.
5) I wouldn't be sharing the SUV w/him. If you need the vehicle, then you need to keep it at your disposable or negotiate purchasing it from him in the settlement. You have to cut the ties a bit because he's not feeling the loss and it's giving him ample room for cake eating. You can always offer up one of the other cars or your h can do w/the two seater or trade it in, but it's not your problem while he's on the street and not living w/you. He's a grown man and needs to make some decisions about the type of vehicle he has in his possession.
6) He may be offering you less money for your expenses, but there's nothing you can do about the grocery, gas and utility bills. They are constantly going up and will continue to do so over the winter. You need to sit down w/a lawyer and get this taken care of and soon. He's trying to get you to cut back so that he has more money to spend on himself and his new lifestyle. Don't allow him to guilt you into reducing your grocery bill. Teenagers eat a lot!
7) Don't help him w/the divorce. If he wants it, let him take care of it. Get a lawyer and have him/her take care of your needs. You need someone in your court to ensure that you and your children get what you are entitled to. Your h is being nice right now, but when it comes to the actual divorce and what it will entail, his attitude will change the minute he sees what he will be requied to pay and/or do to complete it.
Fair? I don't see where he's being fair w/you and your children. Yes, he's being nice right now...but he's already beginning to tighten the purse strings and it will only get worse. You need to have something in writing and documented accordingly.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, thank you for taking the time to write out these thoughts and advices. It's solid. I used to feel some offense with some advice I read here from the "vets" because I didn't want to believe these things could happen to me.
But they did happen and are happening. And I need to accept these these changes, make the best decisions possible, and move on.
I see that you were spot on with H texting while drunk. I didn't hear from him at all the next day. He doesn't contact me because he wants a R with me. It's obviously other reasons.
And even about tightening the purse strings you were so right. S19 had a late exam at the uni and didn't get home till 10:30 pm Thursday night. I told him to not think twice about using his meal plan ticket to eat dinner at the college and to go to the local store to get an item he forgot for a class. He chose to buy supper on the credit card we allowed him to have. Total of two purchases were less than $10. H was texting him the next day and wanted him to call to explain purchases.
I'm actually looking forward to post-D if it is going to be like this. We need to have our $ and lives split up if we are not going to be acting M. The process of getting there is killing me. If we don't argue too long about the settlement it could be done as soon as January.
My feelings are numb toward H. No loving feelings, no hatred feelings, no thinking he is coming back any time soon, and very tiny bit of empathy. I think once this D is over and I start to heal, I'll be in a better place to deal with him.
S12 was very sad just before bed. H & I had some great routines with the boys on Friday and Saturday nights for many years. I turned S12's lava lamp on last night for some ambiance but I think it might have triggered some memories and he is not able to talk about his feelings. That worries me but I can't make him talk about his feelings. He saw a lot of tears from me on Thursday so maybe he feels he has to be strong for me. Idk.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
You are such a good mom, rh. I think boys keep feelings bottled up. I know mine do. But you are there for him, for them, really there, and that will make a big difference.
And I hear you about the teen boys, Three of mine are teens at present, and all I do is fill the refrigerator. Love is spelled FOOD.
Dear RH, everyday I check your thread and read your posts, wondering what is new and how you are doing.
Today I took boys out to eat at a local family restaurant. ( H is supposedly on golf day trip, but that is another story I will post on my thread later!)
This is going to sound weird, but it seems the restaurant powers that be kept playing songs that made me think of you, me, Gal, and everyone else who is going through this madness.
From "You're So Vain"-
"You gave away the things you loved, and one of them was me."
Your H is a fool RH. I know it, you know it, and everyone on this board knows it. But YOU are the stained glass RH, always shining that internal light
Okay, next song...
From "Set Fire to the Rain"-
"There's a side to you that I never knew, never knew All the things you said, they were never true, never true And the games you would play, you would always win, always win"
No explanation needed here.
From "Open Arms"-
"We sailed on together And drifted apart And here you are by my side."
Will we be there for our H's with open arms if/when they wake up? It is anybody's guess.
We are always told the LBS is the one who gets to decide in the end. That's us!
Okay, enough DJ TVS for tonight. Hope you are doing well and staying strong and true to yourself
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Oh, tvs, I so know what you MEAN about the songs! Makes you realize lots of other people are going through what we are going through! Music is really helping me get through this. Its a nice drug with no side effects.
ammc, thank you so much for the encouragement. I read your post over & over again. The boys really get pi$$ed if theres not a lot of food on the table 3 times a day. Sometimes I feel like I can't produce enough, 'specially when I'm down. Oh....if there were only pizza delivery in BFE where we live!!!
Journaling:
I think if H ever writes a memoir on his life, this chapter will be entitled, "how to D someone you still love".
I slipped up last night. I guess I miss H so much. I hadn't heard from him since Thursday night's drunken texting ramblings. So, he texted yesterday evening and wanted to know how I was. Did we get much rain? Seen any good movies lately?
So, I engaged. I was lonely, too. 140 texts later we stopped. I told him after the 2-week puerto rico trip coming up in a couple days that I wanted him to visit with S12 elsewhere. He understood.
Some of his texts:
(about us) "I've made such a mess"
(about S19) "I'm sure he's learning a lot. So exciting for him"
"I think it's the perfect time for you to become a realtor" "I'm sure you will be fine. You're fit and pretty and smile a lot"
Some of my texts:
"I was just really annoyed this week. I can get over it. It's just I need to accept it. There is a part of me that wants to keep letting you know how very much you hurt me. I think that's why divorcees get bitter and my primary goal through this divorce is to NOT be bitter. It will only destroy me......I'll be a better woman for not being bitter."
"and really I'm happy most of the time when I'm not thinking about you know what.....:)"
Then this morning he texts at 8 am. Wants to know if he can call. Calls and discusses plans to get our SUV back here. He said he can drive the Mercedes here and we can later ride back together to HP with the top down (hour away) since it'll be a pretty day and we can have a "nice ride" back together. Sigh. He surely didn't seem in a hurry to hang up at all.
I told him he could come for lunch with us but that I would busy myself in the afternoon with another two-hour bike ride and studying my r.e. material. I told him it was "excruciating" for him to be here but didn't want him to address the D with the boys before this 2-week trip.
Last week, when I was very annoyed, I texted him later and said something like, "I'm sorry I was so upset. It was the earsplitting sound of a family breaking apart that really got to me." But later, after going to the lake I was at peace.
Taking it day by day. Looking for grace and dignity to get through this.
Oh, I'm relatively sure he is taking tomorrow off work and going to a L to file for D, then plans on visiting me in the afternoon to discuss that.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, Your h is cake eating and he's got the best of both worlds. I know you miss your h and are lonely, but 140+ text messages? You need to find a way to get off the wheel and start living your life. Right now, your focus needs to be on your r.e. test that is coming up and your sons. Your h ran away from home and the only way that he's going to miss you and your home is when you do not engage as frequently as you have been. It's okay to respond to one text every now and then, but to continue w/that many...how can he miss you? Just remember, if he is that lonely, he could come home and live, but he's not doing that and is still discussing divorce plans.
Just keep in mind that your h is the one that mentioned to you that you need to reduce the grocery expenses...if he accepts your offer for lunch, he's getting a nice home cooked meal that will not cost him one cent out of his pocket at that time. But, I'm sure he'll remind you again later on that you need to tighten the purse strings on groceries.
I understand why you are trying to remain friendly, but you've got to put some boundaries in place. Friends do not treat friends the way that our spouses have done and continue to do. They can't learn from the consequences of their actions if we continue to allow them the freedom of having a "home away from home".
I learned the hard way about such things. When my xh ran away, he still came to the home and took groceries that I had purchased, did his laundry and I continued to pay his bills untill a poster advised me to stop his cake eating. You know what? When I did, the nice Mr. Snodderly changed his tune and got angry. Yes, my xh did a lot of what yours is doing now and the discussion of divorce went on during that time as well. When boundaries are put in place, Mr. Nice Guy or Gal will turn ugly because they want their cat and eat it too. They then soon learn that we aren't as stupid as they think we are.
Just my two cents this morning. I hope that I didn't offend you...but you need to get off the wheel that mlc is turning.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was hoping you'd put me in my place, snodderly. I needed that rebuke. And the details with it. So hard to see the pic sometimes when you keep thinking, if I only did such-and-such he'd want me back.
The way he sounded on the phone I'm relatively sure he'd ML too if I wanted. Maybe that is what he wants today. That is a boundary I've made and I want to stick to it. I think hugging him will be a bad idea.
He's texting now to see if he can come by two hours earlier than he said. I need to stop thinking that we are going to get back together. It could happen, I know, but it's messing me up right now to imagine this romantic R we are having when actions speak louder.
He said all this nice things about being a realtor and said "I'm sure you'll do well" with the "have a nice life" tone.
Just need to bite the bullet.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
