A friend mentioned that they were surprised Chuck didn't advise me to go more dark. I said I was surprised too. I think from other stories I've read here, that's what either the coach or folks on the forum have advised. I can't tell if it worked or didn't work for them.
Going dark is the LRT (last resort technique). It's called that because it's what you do when everything else has failed. I think a lot of people confuse LRT with detaching, but it's not the same thing. As Michele says in DR, LRT may even be bad for some people because it may be "more of the same" behavior. IE, if you didn't have much contact with your spouse during the M and then you try to implement the LRT, to the spouse it'll just look like more of the same. Detaching is about giving the spouse time and space but doing so in a compassionate and loving way. You give them space, but if they reach out to you you're there for them. LRT is basically cutting off all contact and is done when the LBS thinks there's little or no chance of reconciliation. So it's done to help the LBS separate themselves from the sitch and move on. LRT is not done to get the spouse back (although sometimes it does have that effect), that's what detaching and 180's are for.
So don't stand for your marriage, stand for you. Keep doing what's best for you.
If you like talking to him and it works for you, keep doing it just ...have no expectations.
If talking to him causes too much grief then you have a decision to make.
Keep working on Ro, the rest will fall into place.
Oh and, you worry too much. (((Ro)))
You know I love you. :-) I do like talking to him. And I can say last night, I didn't have any expectations. It was like talking to a friend I hadn't talked to in a week or two. I'll see how the calls for a few weeks and re-evaluate how I'm feeling.
They are at the dr now. So I guess H will call when he knows something.
And yes, I know I worry to much. *big cheesy grin* Working on it!
A friend mentioned that they were surprised Chuck didn't advise me to go more dark. I said I was surprised too. I think from other stories I've read here, that's what either the coach or folks on the forum have advised. I can't tell if it worked or didn't work for them.
Going dark is the LRT (last resort technique). It's called that because it's what you do when everything else has failed. I think a lot of people confuse LRT with detaching, but it's not the same thing. As Michele says in DR, LRT may even be bad for some people because it may be "more of the same" behavior. IE, if you didn't have much contact with your spouse during the M and then you try to implement the LRT, to the spouse it'll just look like more of the same. Detaching is about giving the spouse time and space but doing so in a compassionate and loving way. You give them space, but if they reach out to you you're there for them. LRT is basically cutting off all contact and is done when the LBS thinks there's little or no chance of reconciliation. So it's done to help the LBS separate themselves from the sitch and move on. LRT is not done to get the spouse back (although sometimes it does have that effect), that's what detaching and 180's are for.
Hi Another Stander! Thanks for stopping by.
Yes, I know what LRT is, and how that differs from detachment. H basically said there was no hope for us, and I believe him, although others have said they do see some. So that's why I mentioned being surprised about not being advised to go dark.
H has said that I stopped being his friend, so if I do go dark, I agree it could look more like the same.
Happy Birthday to me! I'm at home alone on my birthday for the first time in probably 5 years. I realize I'm more ok with that than I thought.
Had dinner with my older sister and BIL last night as an early birthday celebration. Got a call from H at 12 midnight - He wanted to wish me a happy birthday, and let me know he does love me. I said thanks and said I loved him, too. (I have not initiated the I love yous since he left. Every time it's said, he says it first)
Plans for today: Drama rehearsal at church, gun range with sister and BIL, then dinner with a friend. I should be tired by the time my birthday ends, and sleep pretty well. :-)
Ro, the gun range mention brings back memories of the early days here (or the alt). Wow, it seems so long ago.
Happy Birthday, my friend! I like birthdays because it's your special day, people think about YOU. You will be in my thoughts today. I am grateful for knowing you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ro, the gun range mention brings back memories of the early days here (or the alt). Wow, it seems so long ago.
Happy Birthday, my friend! I like birthdays because it's your special day, people think about YOU. You will be in my thoughts today. I am grateful for knowing you.
Thanks! Yeah it does feel like a long time ago.
I've just decided to skip drama rehearsal and lounge in bed for a little while longer. LOL Feels too good to get out of bed right now, and its COLD outside.
Update on MIL: The specialist couldn't tell from the other doctor's test results what happened, so he scheduled his own round of tests next week. Depending on those results she may have surgery next week to fix whatever is wrong.
Had a mini meltdown earlier thinking about how my H called me at 12 midnight, but hasn't even called to see what I was doing or if I'm doing ok being that this is the first b'day without him in about 5 years. I know it was an irrational thought, and one of my friends talked me off the ledge.
I have to remember that this is how it is now and live like it.
