I'm gonna go with this thread title to encourage myself! After all, who is the one calling the neighbors to ask them to keep their Great Pyrenees dogs on their side of the fence? Me! Who is the one on the side of the road pouring oil into the Mustang engine? Me! Who is healing and accepting and planning an awesome life post -D? Me! Lol!
Days are strange. The only thing I can figure is H is going through with D but is emotionally attached to me.
We had a rough exchange yesterday. He came over, as expected. I don't hug him now; just sort of acknowledge him. So he, S12 and me are sitting in the living room and I am reading a magazine. H wants to know what I'm reading. He talks about a football game (he hates sports) from S19's university that he is going to "with some folks" on Saturday.
I felt pi$$ed to have to hear that so I went in the bedroom and shut the door. I have removed him from "news feed" on FB and pretty much don't look at FB at all any more. I don't want to know what he is doing or who he is doing it with. It had become somewhat of an addiction for me to look and see where he was, whether he was online or not, and who his new friends are. I deleted all his party pics I had in my photo album. I feel pretty good about that detachment.
So, of course, he followed me in later & talks D. He asked if this wasn't a good time for me. I was in a mood! So I said there will never be a good time for me to talk D. We just have to get through this but don't expect me to be happy about it like you are. This was kind of cruel to say because I know he is agonizing too.
So some more back & forth. He pulls a paper outta his pocket he had printed on visitation schedule and reads it aloud. The exchanging on holidays even and odd years, the every other weekend visits. The vacation weeks in the summer. I was just picturing our happy little S12 and how he is absolutely going to HATE this all. But he'll quietly do it even though agonizing inside. So I quietly started to sob and couldn't stop.
H says, I see this isn't going anywhere, I grabbed my keys and my purse and said I was leaving and for him to text me when he was gone. I said to him, "I'm not angry at you, my heart is just totally broken and I don't think you can really understand that.".
I think it was unfair to say that because I know he is going through so much. But at the moment I was so tired of freakin' everything being bout HIM!! Hey, I have emotions too!
So, I drove in the convertible about an hour to a beautiful state park with a lake. We have camped there before and ridden mountain bikes on their trails. I was sobbing like a crazy woman the whole way there. Probably not the best condition in which to drive. But the beauty of the place, the gentle lapping of the waves, calmed my soul and I could drive back in peace.
Meanwhile back at home, H didn't stay very long and texted me when he left. (after showering here which is starting to pi$$ me off). S12 said H rode his dirt bike but fell and hurt his shoulder.
THEN, in the evening H texts me around 8:30 "I'm drunk. How are you?". I know some people do that but H NEVER texts or calls admitting he is drunk. This was different. He was in "fine form" as they say.
It was weird, we both sent pics of our lava lamps at the same time. His is a dud and mine is exuberant! He asked if he could have mine and I said no, but there was another one packed away he could take. Just one of those every day occurrences that feels like it has layers of meaning.
We did like 70 texts with him doing most of it. Finally he said he was going to bed. I wonder how he'll feel this morning for work. But it's not my problem.
I still don't think he is going to change his mind about D. I still remain detached but curious about his behaviors.
This is a terrible time for me but I think I can get through it. And I'm going to do it without a crutch like alcohol. Like going through childbirth without pain medication. I feel alive and vibrant for the most part. Although I did cry a lot yesterday. Lots of hot tears just rolling out of my eyes. This was before H came over.
Thank you again for this place, this forum. I really don't think my divorce will be busted, but I think I'll be able to live in a healthy way on the other side, because of the support, help, advice here. I think about you all and your sitches every day and wonder how you are and how you are coping.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
