Kimmerz - it is good that you are able to talk face to face with your xh in a constructive way.
Not all MLCers can do this though [this is a version of 'do not try this at home'!] There are WAS who are angry and bitter, and mean, and stay that way, blaming everyone. They dare not show regret. I agree with Jack that ther are LBS who are the same, but there are plenty of LBS [many of whom no longer post here] who have forgiven and are living their lives, are kind to their WAS, but the WAS is still out there as angry as ever.
The poster formerly known as Spirit posted that he thinks there might be two types of MLC. I agree. It sounds as if your xh knows he has issues, but for many they are in denial. Sadly any real communication is not possible.
Keep on doing what you are doing - it is working clearly. But sadly for some, all the kindness and forgiveness and attempts to remain friendly just do not work.
We didn't break them and we can't fix them. I only write this because if we have mean ex spouses, we can feel like terrible failures for not being able to communicate with them. It really does take two to communicate!
Living authentically also means Im letting what happened go
Kudos to YOU Kimmerz. Letting go, really does free you!
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I completely understand how and why we got to this point.
And this ^^^ is a true blessing for you.
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I think what bothers me though is that I do still love this man.
And chances are YOU always will love him. IMO, you guys spent 21 years tighter and have two daughters. It could not have been all bad. I found that for a while I wanted to “rewrite” history myself, I wanted to demonize my XW (not too much different than what they do to us). In some ways, I know I needed to, in order to get through the anger. But like you I too have really learned to understand how we ended up where we did.
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still inspires me to rebuild a relationship with him.
Awesome. If you decided to pursue something you now have MUCH better tools at your disposal.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Well in the light of living authentically, something seems a bit consistent through XH behavior which is a little baffling.
Ok it's clear that XH is EXTREMELY CAREFUL as to when he contacts me and who he even shares this with.
It appears he saves his texting and open conversations only to when he's completely alone or alone with the kids, and absolutely no OW. He no longer seems to inform BIL or SIL about things going on with the kids that we converse about recently and often. I've narrowed it down to the days and time of day I can expect good communication from XH about things and when it will come to an abrupt stop. And it always revolves around him having very private time, almost always when he's at home and OW is at work.
What I wonder if he's worked overtime to make me look crazy to everyone and that he's told everyone he hates me, yet to my face he's very nice. Or he's doing his usual secretiveness, and figures what he and I talk about is no one's business and doesn't even want to give any hints that we've been speaking to eachother. He no longer informs BIL or SIL of things going on with our girls when he used to. Of course if he did, that would indicate he's speaking to me.
When I mention to BIL and SIL that I've spoken to XH they get this look on their face like they don't know if they should Sh!t or go blind! Which I have to say cracks me up to be honest!
I was told that OW is very jealous and sounds very controlling to me, so I figure that's what it's based on. Gee how's that for living authentically. I actually feel sorry for him yet at the same time appreciate that sitch. Honestly if he thought I was controlling.....I think he's really learning what true controlling is!
Can anyone enlighten me on why and MLCer would choose to be so secretive? I just question if he's getting a perverse pleasure of being so kind to me on the side, while he very well may be posing as he hates me to others.
I've looked at this from my living authentically point of view. And I've decided to just let it go! It disappoints me that he may feel he needs to do this and either isn't being true enough to himself to have the courage to build a new relationship with me at least as awesome co parents. Or that he's with someone that's so controlling he feels he needs to do this for his own sanity. If he feels the need to sneak around to have to speak to the mother of his beloved children, then he's the one not living authentically, not me!
So Im just going to keep on being me, and not worry about this at all. Yes it's annoying sometimes but no reason to worry about it really. However if our relationship is to be based on sneaking around, EVEN FOR THE KID'S SAKE then that's not authentic. Therefore, we may never really get to rebuild because I have no desire to play these sort of games with him.
Kimmerz, If he is in MLC what makes total sense is that he will want anybody but you and if she's controlling thats great for he will need to make very few choices, because you cant when in MLC.
Living authentically means living for you and only you. Maybe someday he will come out of it and maybe not. I still love my EXW but I will not be there if she comes out of it. I can't even coparent with her and thats not a choice I would make, but it takes two to coparent.
Secretive, par for the course. The chances of him living authentically, you already probably know the answers.
I will let you come to your own conclusions on what to do. I think you already know the answer.
Please love yourself, you are the answer to this equation.
Kimmerz, I agree with Mirage...secretive is par for the course. As for the ow, she's calling the shots, therefore, he doesn't have to put much effort into the relationship or responsibilities right now.
As for the time of the phone calls, maybe it is when ow is at work and then again, maybe it's not. They tend to set up patterns during mlc and it's like clockwork when certain things are done. We may never know the answer to this one as each mlcer is different, but I do know that my xh had patterns of when he would call as well.
Keep your focus on you and your children. His behavior has no rhyme or reason for what he's doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So what Im seeing here, is he's got a control freak at home.
Yet it's completely normal for him to try and still control things with me and the girls.
And if he's doing that, its more than likely out of sheer resentment towards OW by him allowing her to control things, so lets pick on XW a bit to balance it out.
OHHHHh BOY..... well my conclusion is that yes he's in MLC, but there's been some SERIOUS issues he's managed to hide for SO long and now they're coming out to play and play hard. Mix that with MLC....and there ya have it. Hind sight is being 20/20 alot lately, and I have a very long history to remember with him.
Sorry guys it may appear that Im trying to analyze too much, but I am an analytical person by nature. I also strive to find the root cause of things, so when something seems odd, I just want to know why. When I know why, then it all clicks and I understand and can be in complete acceptance.
People are in control of very little. The only thing you have some control over is your attitude and your internal work that allows you to be at peace with yourself as you travel this thing called life.
People die suddenly - Control? nope, People drop bomb - Control? nope, People say ugly things about you Control? nope, Lightning strikes somewhere, control? nope.
What you do control is you and your outlook, nothing more and that makes all the difference.
you can analyze MLC all you want. In my MLC it was a land of complete confusion, utter chaos in my mind. People say MLC is an excuse to behave badly. I disagree, and this is subjective but my chemistry, brain something changed or snapped and I was basically a walking Zombie. I wish I could articulate it better but there was nothing of substance there.
I will say I made it through, and I get it now!!! I understand. Unfortunately a lot don't. For that I am sorry because MLC does destroy families and marriages. But the upside is it gives you a chance to grow, to finally grow up, to have more mature relationships with people that have grown up as well.
It helps us understand that our life is in constant change. We are to embrace that change as it allows the things that happen in life to pass through us and not knock us to the ground.
Here's to you and your journey to a better internal life, and that is a gift.
One way to put the working brain of an mlcer is that of someone who has a child who has adhd. Everything is scattered and there is no neatness about it. The brain of an mlcer is very much like that. Nothing is as it should be, but the wires are crossed and the thoughts and emotions of the mlcer are scattered at best. No one should ever wish to see inside the brain of an mlcer...it's utter mess.
Kimmerz, I do understand your need to analyze and want to find answers, however, you can analyze mlc till the cows come home, but you will never get a complete picture of what goes on w/them. Each and every minute of the day, something is flitting across their brain waves and nothing makes sense to us, but those thoughts/feelings make sense to them because they are living and feeling them. The injuries that they suffered are not on the outside like cuts and bruises, but on the inside and until they can heal those wounds, they are going suffer.
I don't think it so much that he's trying to control you via the texts, but he's trying to grasp on to what he knows and yes, you are the one holding the final string to his past "apron". I don't think he is even aware of the pattern that he's set up w/the phone calls, but that may be the time that his brain slows down enough to allow him to remember you and your daughters in a calmer setting.
I use to sit and analyze my xh until the cows came home and one day I realized that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for what he did or didn't do in any given instance. I had to learn to accept him for who he was at that time and I didn't like the behavior, but I remembered the man that I was married to at one time and came to the conclusion that I would treat him just as I would if he had a terminal illness. Now, nothing he does surprises or disappoints me because I see him as a "stranger" because he's never come out the other side.
It's very important to detach as much as you can because his behavior will drive you crazy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really appreciate your input on my questions and comments. See for some reason I really have a hard time grasping that their brains are so scrambled. Because everything they do is so intent! But then again if a person is literally operating on sheer emotion, and letting the emotion control them, well I guess the reality of no ryhme or reason makes sense.
I also never considered the fact that maybe he does make contact during a time that's quiet cause he can think better.
Mirage.... I will look at your past posts, but can you tell me more about your MLC? When did it happen? How long did it last? Are the mood swings really that intense? Pure anger, resentment, then hatred towards a spouse, then 24 hours later almost forgetting about it and missing their friendship, and wanting to connect?
Thanks you guys, it really does help to get some sort of idea of what's going on in their heads, even though we barely even scratch the surface.
Kimmerz, Here's the cliff notes of MLC(my opinion from going thorugh one) I had an internal MLC, I kept everything inside. Usually you are the opposite when you go through MLC. I was before a life of the party type of guy, I had lots of fun and what I thought was a well balanced life. I did enjoy life, played sports, read, coached my kids, enjoyed work etc.
MLC chose me if you will(now I know in hindsight that it was to open my eyes to an interanl spiritual world that I was missing)and come to grips with some childhood and early years issues.
MLC lasted 2 1/2 yrs hit when I turned 40, came out of it at 42 1/2 to 43. It started as a malaise about life, missing things, started hating my wife(kept that inside), my life. The spiral down to full blown depression, hatred for myself took about 6 months. The emotional pain I felt everyday for roughly 1 1/2 years was excrutiating. I didnt think about anyone else just getting through a day. There were days I thought I would die from the emotional pain. I couldn't believe that this hurt worse than any physical pain I ever endured.
I would look in the mirror and there was noone there. I did try to journal the process but quit. I had no reason to go on. It was day after day after day of the same thing. I hate myself so bad there was no reason to go on.
I don't remember about a year of my life from that time. It is basically erased. My mind was mush.
I did not swing back and forth like your husband. I think thats the difference between an internal ve external MLC. External ones do that as there wrestling with this psychological meltdown of the brain. They play out there drama with external things.
I remember the day I hit rock bottom, where I was, what I thought. That day saved me. It was the start out of the tunnel.
This is from my own experience. An MLC'er must heal themselves. An MLC is actually a gift if, and this is a big if, they get what the internal mayhem is about. There is a major lesson to be learned. But...... were human beings and were fallable creatures and that's why many don't. If your husband comes through it you'll have a wonderful human being. If not you have a stuck MLC'er. Yuk!
Thats why, Db'ing, GAL, works. Your a better person regardless of the outcome. Plus maybe doing the work now will save you from your own MLC. I wouldn't wish an MLC on anyone.
