Hi AT, on my phone so this won't be long. Just wanted to say I understand how hard it is when well meaning friends offer their opinions on your stand. I've been standing for 2 yrs & it doesn't get any easier to handle when they pipe up.
My standard ansa now is - I know you mean well but you haven't taken one step in my shoes. No one knows how they'll respond til they are in such a situation. I wouldn't have thought I'd stand so strongly or long for my marriage but here I am. Pls respect my choices as I would respect yours & as I continue to respect those of my H. If you find that hard then let's not talk about it anymore. Then I change the subject w now, who's round is it? Or so, what did you do on the w/e?
I regularly have to give my mom this one!
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I know you mean well but you haven't taken one step in my shoes. No one knows how they'll respond til they are in such a situation. I wouldn't have thought I'd stand so strongly or long for my marriage but here I am. Pls respect my choices as I would respect yours & as I continue to respect those of my H. If you find that hard then let's not talk about it anymore. Then I change the subject w now, who's round is it?
That's pretty much how I handled it as well. And it is the truth. No one knows what they are going to do with a particular situation until they are actually faced with it. One of the big lessons that I learned through all of this.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I suppose that we all see something worth saving in our marriages. I read on this site of so many people who say they had a great relationship and they were the envy of their friends and family. That they respected one another and were best friends, soul mates.
If I thought for a second that my M had been just a monotonous routine relationship or that we had been unhappy with daily arguments and displays of disrespect. I don't know that I would be fighting for it. I probably would have thought that this was for the best.
But no, like many of us, I believe that we had a great relationship with loads of potential for improvement. All we need is for both of us to work as a team on this and I know we will find happiness again.
My C told me I was obsessed. She said she'd never seen anyone so in love and dedicated to their WAS and she didn't think it was healthy.
I guess I'm on the market for a new C.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
You don't realise that you are keeping yourself locked in the accepting friend zone.
I know you need a good relationship with your W for your visa, but you really do need to try and spend less time with your W.
This cycle that you are in is not going to change unless you change it.
Right now she's being allowed to live like she has been, not just because you are with D8 more, but because you are still fulfilling the emotional bond of your R with your W.
I'm not saying you need to be cold with your W, but you definitely need to start saying no half the time to her and to start making your own plans.
All I'm saying is that if you don't change the dynamic, she has no reason to change.
If she came back because the OM dumped her I'd worry for you that this would just keep on happening to you.
Read back through some of these posts Arsene, there is a theme, people are telling you to try something different, work out what you can do right now and put it into action.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I hear you guys loud and clear. I've just posted an update on my thread as an answer to Denver on that very issue. I totally appreciate what you are saying and you may be right but the thing is, it feels like I'm seeing some progress in my sitch, based on goals that I set a few weeks back which are actually being met.
I remember reading something from Jack3B about the importance of re-establishing the friendship before any hope for reconciliation. He pointed how it was important to move from W having negative feelings towards me to her seeing me as a friend again. I think there was a bit of a discussion on it as many people see the "friend zone" as a negative place to be and as more of a dead-end. I tend to agree with Jack on this.
Nonetheless, as it is the general consensus, and as I do think it is the right thing to do right now, I will start to back off and not be so available.
Thanks guys,
CB, I have a feeling you'll be taking a few 2X4s to my head on the issue of boundaries after reading my last post on my thread. Go for it mate. I really want to see all sides of this. Cheers!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene but it is not establishing the friendship at all costs. There was detatchment, Affair ends, boundaries are figured out, boundaries are communicated and boundaries are respected. Friendship establishes.
You got yourself caught in recovery mode and you are stuck in an unhealthy relationship with you wife.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Hey Arsene, I'll comment back on your thread later today, but I think CB and BB are giving you some real good advice here.
This actually dovetails nicely into what MY IC and I talked about yesterday.
I don't want to go into too many of the specifics, but the overview goes like this: I spent time recaping last weekend as best as I could. First, I focued on what I saw were the "negative" interactions, then the "positive" interactions. I told IC about setting my boundaries, the expression of my thoughts and feelings, and my genuine hope for the future.
He reiterated a few times that W certainly seem extremely lost and confused right now, and may be looking to continue pointing a lion's share of the blame of the downfall of the marriage on me... Which I accepted she was doing a while ago... But, as we agreed, time is VERY much on my side if that is the case... Here's why:
As the "darkness" continues, so too does HER life... and when things start to go wrong in her "Newly perfect world" and her instinct is to try to think of someone to blame... she'll search for me... Not finding me, she'll have to either blame someone else (friend or OM or whatever) or she'll have to start looking inward.
But even if the above paragraph is not accurate at all, by setting these boundaries lovingly and letting her know my feelings of wanting to reconcile and work on our marriage as soon as she's willing to put a little "skin in the game", I've put the ball back in her court... Which I desperately needed to do, as I've been driving this for the entire time she's been gone.
Now, IF she ever decides to contact me again, I'll know that at the VERY least, she's heard what I said and is willing to take a super tiny baby-step toward reconciliation. And that is important to me, to know that it's HER decision, not some magic words I was able to say or some super-cool action I was able to take that made her want to come back.
My IC commended me for the progress I've been making, and I shared a lot of that credit with YOU, the DB community. He definitely reiterated time is on my side, and that he feels that my plans and goals are not only perfectly healthy, they're the types of things he strives for his clients to get to.
Wanting to reconcile with my W, even though there's an OM in the picture is perfectly fine... Obsessing over ways to win her back... well that's not quite as fine! Having a plan of self-discovery is great, following through on that plan is even better.
This doesn't make my desires to reach out to my W any less real, or even less frequent. I constantly want to hear from her, to have her call or text or email or send a damn smoke signal. And there are at least a few times a day that I think "Me sending ONE quick text or email won't hurt... I'll just say "Hi" or "I'm thinking of you" or "You left XYZ behind, do you want me to mail it to you?"... But that puts the ball squarely back in my court and sets back my personal progress.
I want a life with my W back in it, but I need to know that SHE chose it and is dedicated to making HER OWN personal progress in order to ensure that I'm not back here a few months or years after a reconciliation.
And there's nothing I can do to speed that process up, no matter how badly I wish I could.
Alkaline, I continue to follow your thread and find encouragement in your progress especially at the latest IC session you had. While our sitches are different, we are here for the same reason overall and wanted you to know that I admire your DB approach and your continued faith in saving and enhancing your M.
I especially appreciate your last line of the most recent post. you helped remind me that this is in fact a marathon and in addition we are all working to be the better choice.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
