As always these insightful articulations are sanity/life-saving.
Just when you think you are hopeless at DB and question your own staying power, up pops someone describing how they feel the same (i.e., everyone goes through this). And then, in gallops the cavalry to save the day: It's just the doldrums of DB; trust the process.
I'm loving this. Busting, I ultimately don't feel like giving up either. I believe in my M so much. So much!! I know with some professional help we have so much more between us than H is willing to admit.
Your H is a fool. He will see it one day... I believe this without a doubt. You are too beautiful for him not to see it. I learn so much from you. You have the grace that I one day hope to achieve. For me it's always in bits and pieces but for you it almost seems constant.
And, you're human, to have those days where you're just tired of everything is completely necessary. You aren't required to hold everything up on your own all the time. Let yourself rest and do something amazing with your kids. You deserve it.
Love you, busting!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
JKS, thank you of your words of support and love. ((( ))) i believe in you so very much i hope you always remember that. Love you JKS...you are beautiful!
NLW--I get what you mean...! all of a sudden the fog is cleared with two simple words..doldrums and process LOL. I love it.
journaling---
i feel like the past few days i have understood about detachment even more. Without getting into too many details, yesterday had a pleasant enough conversation with H (he is still down south working) Started out about the kids and then he told me about some finances that have become unlocked so he was so relieved and he suggested we (me and the kids) could go on a mini-holiday now (we have mid-semester break in two weeks) and he would catch up for a few days as well. I politely thanked him and declined (i don't want to go on holiday and be alone with the kids so he can drop in when OW lets him--would rather stay here where my friends and their kids are). And i said maybe we can just use the money towards the Winter Break holiday. Anyway, we ended the conversation nicely..I told him it was good to hear him sound so relieved, and said goodbye.
Three hours later I am talking to his sister and she says 'so i guess H went to Dubai'. I was like WTF? I just spoke to him and he didn't say a word that he was getting on a plane.
His bday is in a few days. I suspect that he went to Dubai under the pretense of having a doctor's appointment, but with the intention of celebrating his bday with OW before he comes back here.
With the help of a good friend, I have understood that it is the 'WTF' that i need to detach from. There have been dozens of WTF moments in the past and i am sure there will be a lot more in the future.
There is a part of me that wishes i could celebrate his bday with him We have celebrated our birthdays together since he was 17 and this one...its his big 4-0. But, its not meant to be. I am not meant to celebrate with him this year. Its not what he wants. So i accept that. when he gets back, will have his present and cake from the kids ready.
There is also a part of me that would have liked to go on holiday to Dubai. We used to do that a lot....we would go with our good friend's and their kids almost every mid-semester break. but i can't bear the thought of being there just me and the kids (our friends are not going this year), with his drop in visits. why put myself in that situation? being here with my friends and support system is where i need to be.
Well its Friday. Am going to a Quiz night tonight, am really looking forward. me and my best girlfriends have formed a team. Should be fun.
Take care everyone!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I agree with you busting. Detaching is all about the WTF moments not affecting us. Good luck on your quiz night!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
There is something I don't get. Up until Thursday when i found out that H travelled to Dubai from his work project in the south without telling me or the kids, communication between us, specifically about the kids, had improved noticeably.
I am not saying that we were on our way to R....
I understand i should detach from this type of behavior however how can i keep going when he does something like this again? Its the same behavior that he exhibited in May when he was MIA for a few months without contacting us at all.
Its like one step forward and five steps backwards. Before he left three weeks ago to the south for work he said 'if you need me, yo know where i am'. he said that twice.
Then, he does this?
Can this man be so calculating and manipulative and selfish that he is doing this just so he can celebrate his birthday with OW? I guess what it comes down to is that he cannot face telling us he is in Dubai to celebrate as this implies that he is once again choosing her over his family. Just another reminder that he wants nothing to do with me.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I don't have much to add, just wanted to check in let you know I am here for you.
With every post I find a busting that keeps growing, learning about herself and someone that sees things clearly. Even though this is so hard and you have your emotions go up and down, you still find strength to do the right thing.
I hope you can see this as well... You are an amazing person. Have fun tonight and the rest of your weekend!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
i am not sure how to speak to him when he does eventually call to speak with the kids.... and I am sure after this --i will be getting another email about his urgent need to D... ugh....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
ok i am starting to see how i am need to detach more from this. I have no R with him except as parents right now.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Bug posted something on detachment on her thread a few days ago. I'd like to quote the right sources here. I believe it came from Peanut, via 25YearsMLC. I saved it for times just like this, when like you, I recognize the need to detach. It always help me. Here it is:
"Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle. Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Busting - I understand how you feel right now. I go thru the same so often. I am trying very hard, but when there are triggers about OW, it's so hard not to feel hurt.
It's hard not to feel rejected, replaced, discarded... Those are the underlying feelings for me and I understand I need to face them and deal with them in a healthy way. I have to work hard to try to remind myself that most likely H's actions are not aimed at hurting me. I try to remind myself that he is on his own journey, making his own decisions and that I cannot do anything about it. Sometimes I can and sometimes it is just painful.
But I want to feel empowered and not helpless and I try to remind myself that it is my choice how I react to his actions. It's so hard to not let it affect me, and even harder, to meet his indifference with love. That part, I am nowhere near to accomplishing. I am still working on making sure that his actions don't hurt me. But yes, it's so hard.
Busting, I am sorry you are going thru this. But you know these feelings will pass, so just stay still, don't act on them and keep GALing. You are great at it and remember that you always feel better when you keep yourself busy and surrounded by those who love you and care about you. Let yourself be loved...
(((((Busting)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
KG ((((((( )))))))) thank you so much for your honest and helpful post. You are right. And i feel all of those things you spoke about. And i feel stuck as well responding in love to his indifference and hurt. But i am trying. I am trying to learn more, be more compassionate.
Sometimes its just so overwhelming though, isn't? Sometimes I think i would rather just give in to the sadness. Give in to the inevitable end to this sitch, so that i can end this hardship and pain. But i know that is part of this process. and i know that it does not mean that my R will be restored, but i know that my process is still not complete. So i want to continue. And i want to keep going.
I needed to read the bit on detachment that you posted. Its funny because I had read it on bug's thread a few days ago, but rereading it now, i feel like i understood the meaning a lot more clearly.
I know the feelings will pass, and I am determined to move forward with detachment. I think i am scared that with this latest action on his part, he is going to go back to being the overtly mean and hurtful man, spew about D and threats and take me back to square one again. I don't want to go back to square one.
You know how they talk about how some MLC men have the knight in shining armor syndrome with the OW? Sometimes I wish the Knight would come and sweep me off my feet far far away from this monster who has become my H.
Thank you KG. You are very dear to me ((((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
