OK 25 told you to do some GAL and detaching. You are trying to maintain a connection. Your wife is grieving the loss of her mother. She is depressed and has told you ILUBINILWU.
Why is 25 telling you to do those things? You apparently dont believe that detaching is a good idea.
SO I am telling you that it IS a good idea and that 25 does know a thing or two about this subject.
And the reason maybe your marriage may be rebuilt is that you have had a long connection.
Do you think her grief and depression have anything to do with YOU? Do you think YOU can FIX this?
Can you point me to anyones marriages that have been saved by doing what you are doing?
Detaching from the outcome is good. Even necessary I'd say.
Disconnecting from your spouse... I'm not convinced at all that will help in most cases.
Yes, my wife and I have had a good long term connection. Longer than most here I'm sure. This leads me to believe we've been doing something right.
Yes, her grief and depression have something to do with my past failures, and now I'm fixing that. We still get along good, even her plans for moving out have been put on hold. When I read other sitches here I usually count my blessings. Yet I should be rocking the boat here?
What happened to monitor and do what works? Is there really only one way to DB?
We're 7-9 months in... We all know how long it can take to work through a MLC.
Thank you everyone for your help and support.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Most pursurers are afraid to stop pursuing. That is completely natural.
So I understand your reluctance to completly drop the rope.
So if your wife is in MLC, how do you measure what works? Can you win the battle and lose the war?
What do you think is going to make your wife come out of her depression?
My wifes younger sister died 7 months before BD. We slept in the same bed for a year after BD. Then in separate rooms for 19 months after that. I have been where you are.
You know this is all a crapshoot, you can do everything perfectly and still fail. Or you can do nothing right and reconcile.
I do know that their is real science in a lot of DB. It is counterintutive. So you must be able to make sense of being in a world that looks like Alice in Wonderland.
When all gets said and done - you do get to decide. The question is when you get to that point. Will you care?
Thanks Cadet, as always your input is truly appreciated.
Quick birthday update:
Took the day off work.
Talked with a IC on the phone. (First time, and she was quite impressed when she learned of all I've done for myself so far)
Went to my dentist for teeth whitening and new crown, to improve my already nearly impossible to resist smile.
Had lunch with my sister, listened to her story. (moved out of her H home 6 months ago) got along great and hugged at the end.
Went for 10 mile bike ride with best friend/martial arts classmate.
Went for fancy b-day dinner with W. Talked about our day. As usual, no R talk.
Stopped out together on the way home from dinner to do some clothes shopping.
Received phone calls from all of my family singing and/or wishing me a happy b-day. This includes my out of state, newly divorced youngest brother who I've had little contact with the last few years.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
And now from the DB community.... Happy Birthday mate!!!!!
Glad you had a good time.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Here's something I learned when my wife and I were out last night. If she had the opportunity (people or person available to go with) she would go out clubbing, partying, drinking, whatever you want to call it, a lot more often than she does now, which is only once every other week or so. These nights out are with coworkers, her one divorced friend D, or my sister K. She always tells me where she's going and who she's with. Many of these nights out are actually nothing more than dinner and a glass of wine or two, but she clearly desires more single life action.
I know she envies those who live the wild party style single life, and has told me that she feels she missed out on this in her youth. Maybe she'll need to get this out of her system before she can move on.
J, her close friend at work, (gay male in his late 40's mentioned several pages back) is admired for his 'party' lifestyle. Last night she mentioned he was hurting this week because he went out three nights. I asked if he has behaved this way his entire life, or if he just started back into it recently. (they've worked together for 15 years) My reasoning was that this seemed like immature behavior, not that of a mature adult. I hear a lot about J, and actually feel he may be in a MLC himself.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
She was exceptionally happy and upbeat most of the day Saturday. Seems to be starting to feel good about herself and was more talkative than usual. I engaged but didn't get too excited.
We each had our own plans for the evening. It felt weird dressing and preparing to go out at the same time along side each other, knowing we wouldn't be together. I told her she looked nice and she said I did too. Yes, I wore the new jeans she bought me.
I got home after her and she was in bed. I'm going to prepare us a nice breakfast and look forward to hearing about her night, while sharing about mine. I believe that secrecy/mystery stuff is for situations in much worse shape than ours is at this time.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Sounds like a great night FY. Happy to hear it. Nice to see and hear about not venom spewing moments on here. As few as there are in my switch, I try to relish them.
Thanks for an uplifting entry.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
There has been very little spewing and venom over here. The worst I get is quiet indifference, and an occasional complaint about something trivial. Besides the no physical contact thing, I could easily go on like this for years.
I know from past experience that if I ever long for some S & V, all I need to do is initiate relationship talks!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
