A question for those who were WAS. Those of you who were treated bad in your M and have Reconciled was it one specific thing that triggered you to reconcile with your S or was it consistent time + changes in your S that madebyou want to reconcile?
Mandy was a WAS and posted a bit about her "recovery" here:
The interesting thing is she doesn't really talk about any big changes her husband made to draw her back, she describes it as more of a fog lifting and that she suddenly remembered the good things in the M and felt herself falling in love with him again. She does mention an encounter with him where she was surprised at how confident, strong and happy he seemed, and that it had an impact on her. That sounds straight out of DR
She does mention an encounter with him where she was surprised at how confident, strong and happy he seemed, and that it had an impact on her. That sounds straight out of DR
Hence the question...what are YOU doing for YOU Leo. Are you working on your happiness? Are you working on your confidence?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Question....what are you doing for YOU? What are you doing to keep yourself busy?
Oh...and happy birthday!
Thx for the birthday wish Eric. What I do for me and to stay busy is I workout every other day, play softball three times a week. Friday night is the night I hang out with my buddy. I have projects around the house. Trust me I have a life I'm not moping around the house lol.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Hey Jack thanks for the laugh. No there was no sense asking her why that upset her I already know the answer and it all has to do with money and our lack of savings not that I blame her for getting upset over that. What really bothers me and has for many many years is the fact that my W acts like I don't want to work and has on many occasions blamed me for being out of work.
I'm an IBEW Lineworker by trade have been for 25 years so you would think that my W would understand that I don't pick and choose my jobs. The way it works is if you get laid off from a job we have to call the Union Hall and sign the books we are then put on a list and assigned a number according to how many men are on the bench. We cannot solicit work. So we are at the mercy of the contractors. When they have jobs and need men they call the hall. I have been extremely fortunate to have been rarely out of work in 25 years this year being the exception. It's been really tough for us as a Local. There is no work right now. I was laid off in April and have been in and out of work for a few weeks here and a few weeks there.
My point in all this is is that it's really a major issue for me when my W blames me for being out of work. We've had some major blow ups over it in years past. Now she has displayed her anger many times about it this year but this time I have not taken the bait and I let it roll off my back except for her text today. Today her texting me WTH about me not getting to work Fri or Sat just really hit me as there is no pleasing her at all. Instead of being grateful that I worked this past week and I will be working next week she wants more. For the first time I really felt that I just can't do this anymore.
Now when we both got home from work everything was fine. I never made mention of her dissatisfaction at all. The text messages went like this
W: u r off tomorrow???? Me: yes. Monday to Thurday 10 hrs a day equals 40 hrs W: wth! ru working saturday? Me: No I'm not on restorations W: ugh! wth! what about next week? Me: 40hrs next week. Just be thankful I'm working W: ha ha ha!!!! really??? seriously??? Me:Ya seriously. What's ur problem? W: nada!
That was the end of that conversation she then proceeded to ask where I was working at. While it may be hard for others to judge her demeanor from those texts I know that she was not joking or being sarcastic. That was her being pissed off. Like I said everything was fine when we both got home from work. I went to play softball came home the W and I chatted a little bit and now I'm enjoying a birthday beverage.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
A question for those who were WAS. Those of you who were treated bad in your M and have Reconciled was it one specific thing that triggered you to reconcile with your S or was it consistent time + changes in your S that madebyou want to reconcile?
Mandy was a WAS and posted a bit about her "recovery" here:
The interesting thing is she doesn't really talk about any big changes her husband made to draw her back, she describes it as more of a fog lifting and that she suddenly remembered the good things in the M and felt herself falling in love with him again. She does mention an encounter with him where she was surprised at how confident, strong and happy he seemed, and that it had an impact on her. That sounds straight out of DR
I will give that a read. I was curious because I know there are a few stories on here where some of the DBers had themselves decided that they were ready to D their WAS and it was then that the WAS woke up. Now please don't think I'm trying some trick to wake up my W in the hopes that she changes her feelings lol. I know better than that. My curiosity has gotten to me since my feelings are slowly starting to drift towards wondering if I can continue doing this.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Trust me I have a life I'm not moping around the house
Good to know.
I noticed that the issue appears to be finances and I can totally understand the stresses that they cause. It also appears to me, that your W looks at you as the one to “bring home the bacon”. In my M, I was the one responsible for the finances and I have to say I really did not do a great job, that said, what I learned was that…I should have sat down and laid out the finances on a monthly basis. I’m not sure it would help but maybe if you sat down with her and BOTH of you came up with a realistic budget (and trust me I understand that you can be let go, until the next job comes around).
At the end of the day, neither of YOU can redo the past. It is what it is BUY you can make changes for YOUR future. Those changes may require some cuts here and there but maybe if she is part of the process she will feel a bit better. The only downside to this COULD be that she may get pissed at the amount of debt that you guys have. So if you come up with a plan with her, let her vent and do not take it personal.
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My curiosity has gotten to me since my feelings are slowly starting to drift towards wondering if I can continue doing this.
For better or for worse……..This IS the worse part.
BTW, what else can you tell me about your W. What does she do, what hobbies does she have, etc.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Trust me I have a life I'm not moping around the house
Good to know.
I noticed that the issue appears to be finances and I can totally understand the stresses that they cause. It also appears to me, that your W looks at you as the one to “bring home the bacon”. In my M, I was the one responsible for the finances and I have to say I really did not do a great job, that said, what I learned was that…I should have sat down and laid out the finances on a monthly basis. I’m not sure it would help but maybe if you sat down with her and BOTH of you came up with a realistic budget (and trust me I understand that you can be let go, until the next job comes around).
[/color] I agree with you that sitting down and doing a budget may help it certainly can't hurt.
At the end of the day, neither of YOU can redo the past. It is what it is BUY you can make changes for YOUR future. Those changes may require some cuts here and there but maybe if she is part of the process she will feel a bit better. The only downside to this COULD be that she may get pissed at the amount of debt that you guys have. So if you come up with a plan with her, let her vent and do not take it personal.
[color:#FF0000] Again you are right that we cannot redo the past. I'am not living in the past but my wife sure does. I've gone so far as to make her living in the past one of my boundaries. If she begins to bring up things that were done years and years ago then the conversation ends. I've told her my position on the past that it cannot be redone and we shouldn't live in it. Now again I'm talking about things that were done 10,15,20 years ago. If my W were too bring something in the recent past that was of concern or an issue then that is fine.
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My curiosity has gotten to me since my feelings are slowly starting to drift towards wondering if I can continue doing this.
For better or for worse……..This IS the worse part.
[/color] This certainly is the worst part. I truly feel like we are stuck in the mud going nowhere.
BTW, what else can you tell me about your W. What does she do, what hobbies does she have, etc.
[color:#FF0000] Her hobbies include volleyball. She plays sometimes twice a week and she helps one of her friends coach a grade school girl's team. My W also likes to out walking with my cousin and of of my W's friends almost every night. She's pretty active. Take tonight for example. She won't be home from work she is going with two of her co-workers to a women's kitchenware party. She told me the name of it but I'm bad at remembering these things sometimes lol.
I don't know if you saw a few posts back but my sons both said something to my wife recently about her never being home. Now my boys are 15 and 22 so they know what's going on. My W says to them that she doesn't want to be here(meaning in the house) that's why she is out all the time. She also said she is trying to save money to move out. If she had it she would be gone. I didn't say a word when she said this and my boys were like "yeah right". So who knows.
Eric thanks for taking the time to read up and to post I really do appreciate it and look forward to talking to you.
God Bless, Eric
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Again you are right that we cannot redo the past. I'am not living in the past but my wife sure does
And she may for a while. A lot of times it take a while for things to break, then we want them fixed NOW. Time Leo,time. That said, you will also need to figure out how much time YOU want to put into fixing this.
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I truly feel like we are stuck in the mud going nowhere.
It may feel that for a while.
You have identified some of the issues ie. finances, so what is your plan of attack? How can you begin to make some positive changes for YOU?
Also, about her complaining....right now in a way it is a GOOD thing. It shows that she is still somewhat invested in the M.
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I don't know if you saw a few posts back but my sons both said something to my wife recently about her never being home.
Do you think she is seeing someone?
Sounds like your W keeps herself busy with her friends. What do you two guys (or used to do) together?
Also, can you do me a favor...write down all of the positive things you remember about your W. What did you love about her, what attracted you to her to begin with.
Finally, the fact that you are here tells me that deep down inside you want to fix this. Do you really want to reconcile? If so, why?
Have a good weekend dude. I'll check back on Monday.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric is right this is the worse part...anyone can do better. Statistically...only about %50 of people can do worse for any length of time.
I will say, it can get better. But you have to be willing to go through hell, on the chance she comes back out with you.
LOL Jack I really do enjoy your sense of humor it does give me a laugh. Yes I do agree that this right here right now is the worst part. I really thought I went through hell before when she had two affairs in the past but this "stuck in the mud" feeling [censored]. Overall I'm very happy with the progress I am making and I know there is room for improvement. I guess it's only natural to start to have these feelings that she will never come around, never be the wife I've always wanted. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about moving on with someone else and that it would be my W's loss.
Jack thanks for posting and I hope you don't stop. I can use your knowledge and wisdom.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
