Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Well, month 8 of what not to do.
Got into a fight today. A real fight.
I went to his apartment. Shouldn't have. Bad thinking. My fault on that. Note that I will NEVER be at his apartment again. It is a horrible horrible trigger for me. No furniture, a card prominently displayed from not a girlfriend on the dishwasher.

I am mentally and physically exhausted.
I have son all the time. H's work schedule hasn't changed, and I don't know if it ever will.
I work full time. S is at school for 6 hours, and then I have him all evening: M-Th, friday is school and H picks him up and takes him out for a couple of hours, and then the weekends - S is here... most of Saturday, and all of Sunday. H has taken him over twice to his apartment before S gets upset and says he misses me and his dog. H is coming over some weekdays to help with breakfasts. I do appreciate that, but not sure if I should say it or not.

I blew up at H after he told me I needed to get counseling because I'm not handling this well. I told him "I have gone to counseling before, and every time the counselor tells me that I have too much of the responsibilities, I need to set boundaries with H, and then when I do, H says I'm too controlling because of it."

H promised that he was going to help more.
I am tired of living on hopes and ifs.
I asked him if he had preferences for babysitters. "trustworthy" is all he says. Ok...

My inlaws told me this weekend to pack up and move S and I down to where they live, and leave H. My parents live here, but they work and really S is active for them. My inlaws are retired and would be able to take care of S.

I feel hopeless here. trapped.