While I understand that you probably aren't posting anymore, I hope you are still reading...
I wanted to post to you when I read your opening post.
I was, unfortunately, in the midst of dealing with the death of one of my parents.
You probably haven't read my story here, I haven't posted in quite a long time, although I do still continue to read, however, some things in your story resonated with me and made me want to post to you.
In your first post, you asked how to live together separately...
I did that for a very long time. For two years, it was not of my choice. I wanted reconciliation very much at that point in time. Then for two years, it was my choice as well as X's, to maintain the home for our son. It wasn't easy or fun. Quite often, I had a lot of anger at him and he at me. The first two years, we spoke sporadically. Occasionally, he would show an interest or even act "normal" as if things were ok. Those times caused me to get my hopes up, just to have them shot back down. Eventually, as we each developed our own lives, it became much easier.
It isn't something that I would advocate for most people, because it isn't easy, on either of you (although you may think or your H may try to make you think that he is fine).
There are threads in the MLC archives from myself and other posters (there were several of us at the time) who had live in MLCers. Just click on my name and view my posts. My first post in 2009 is to one of those other posters. The threads may give you some insight as to how we dealt with it.
There is no one right way to deal with it in order to maintain your sanity. There are some good ideas though...
It will make it harder for you to define your goals. It is harder to detach. It is harder to decide if you want to stand or not, although at this point, you coming here, indicates to me that you do want to stand. That you want to try to save your M.
That being the case, I will agree with both Jack and Cadet...
MLC, is tough. It will probably be the toughest thing you will experience.
There will come a point in time that you have to look more at you than at your H. There will come a point where you should ask yourself the hard questions and decide what it is that you want to change or not change about your life.
Right now, at the very beginning, I am going to tell you something very different than what Eric told you, because Eric put the cart before the horse.
Learn about MLC. Learn about this monster than you believe you are dealing with. (Only you can make the decision if you believe it is MLC or not). Learn about what sorts of things you can expect to see and hear from your H. Take time for yourself, ask questions, find posters whose situations you can relate with and see how they are dealing with it.
For me, that was my first real step in being able to deal with my situation. I had to understand it so that I could make what I felt were informed decisions.
After that time, then you can begin to look at the stuff within yourself and see what you may or may not want to change.
The truth is, MLC isn't our fault. It isn't our creation. However, none of us is the 100 percent perfect partner. We can all do better in our relationships with others and with ourself.
That was where Eric was trying to get you to, probably a little bit too early.
Eric,
Remember where you came from. Remember what it felt like at the beginning of your sitch. Don't ever forget that when you post to someone. Timing is often everything...
Cadet,
I see you are still trying to fix things huh?
Yup, I'm still here.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
