I too have no clue of the actual R with OM, but I do know they keep on FBing, games, and now Pinterest. I'm fairly cerain they text and what not, but a part of me has to wonder how much he's chasing her like a little puppy dog. At one point she told me that OM is a controlling / man's man and that a woman should know her role.
She did tell me that she called one if the ICs today and talked for awhile. She said that her reason for calling her was because everyone is telling her what she's doing is irrational, but she enjoys it. Sounds like an addiction to me.
As far as me, I've been meaning to say / ask this. Many of you and many of my real life supports keep in saying how strong am I have been. It doesn't feel like it to me. Is that my insecurity creeping up? Lack of confidence? Or is that our sichs are al painful that being able to do well and function with pain is natural? Or what?
Cycles mean reaching out to you, then pulling away, then getting closer, then pulling away. You know the drill. I see a steady, slow improvement (best kind.)
R with OM sounds like an EA. I think she enjoys the thrill of it, and even the drama. She seeks attention. Try to not give attention to her when you see her contacting the OM (like to a toddler having a tantrum) and maybe this will help. Her recount of her conversation with IC is to get a reaction (attention) from you. Only listen. No reaction.
I think you're incredibly strong: you're being a good father, are still trying to save your M and are being kind to your W even when she behaves irrationally. You're going to work and staying physically active. You're not letting this take your life away. So feel proud of yourself.
Thanks for the validation / ongoing support. I guess it's something I'm lacking in my life. Go figure. I'm hopeful to get to a point where I don't rely on it from others, but rather have self validation and believe it for myself.
So we have generally remained friendly. She invited me to watch a few of our favorite shows together, has shown me some funny online posts and stuff. Some of which I have seen her on OM FB page, but I have not reacted. Overall she has been a little more respectful in the sense that she is not always messing with her phone in front of me. At least not as much. So yesterday she has pulled away some. Partially due to lots of laundry and cleaning that she has had to finally catch up on. And its her weekend. She asked me what time she can leave, as she doesn't want to make me "pissy". So I told her she could leave as early as she wants, provided I go to the dr for a follow up appt. I'm unsure of what she's doing or with who, but probably something with OM despite what she said a few weeks ago. Surprise huh? Anyways, I was looking at bank stuff (yikes), and brought up the subject "again" of creating separate accounts. She didn't like it. Not mad, more sad. She initiated an R talk. Asked if the account thing was because I was "pissy" which I wasn't. So I reiterated that it was her idea to do this a month ago and we need to do what we need to do. She then went into wanting more time / space to work through things with her IC (when she gets to start) and not to make any drastic changes. I supported her and validated her "confusion," apologized for a mistake I made early on in our R, and restated my position on our R. Won't remain in a 3rd party R too long, will file, but have learned a lot about myself in the past few months... Becoming a spiritual warrior to battle anything that come my / our way if that ever happens. So we split our ways for a few hours and then asked me to watch another one of our shows near the end of the night. Today is a family day (zoo and Halloween costumes for the kids) so we will see what happens.
It's good to aim for self validation, but I think it's also good to get validation from others. We are all connected.
Remain patient with your W and don't bring up financial stuff yet. This is HARD. I know. But if you want your M to have a chance, patience is a must. I'm on my cell. Will write more when I have access to my computer.
I was wondering, why does she keep saying she makes you "pissy?" Is this part of her complaints? Is this an excuse she gives herself for continuing the R with the OM? Have you reacted with anger when in the past she said something you didn't like? I used to get so offended when my H said something rude to me (or that I considered rude.) He said he couldn't be himself bc he had to watch what he said around me, that he could tease his buddies and they didn't get mad. That was one of his complaints.
As far as being me being "pissy" I would have to say all of the above answers you provided. Yes to justify her R with OM. Yes I have on occassion made statements that unintentionally came across as "pissy" yet would soon thereafter clarify / apologize to whomever, and Yes when I originally discovered the first text between her and OM I blew up (not in Amy form of aggression towards her). In fact, at that moment I told her to leave me alone. There's maybe been two other times my anger ever got that bad throughout our 10 years together. So all in all, it has been one of her complaints too. I also have to say that my moments (not excusing them) are magnified by her being in a DB R in her first M.
Today all in all was good, if not great. In the morning she followed me around a little and said she was "aggravated," and then paid me an "underhanded compliment" in the sense that when we have / do argue (which until now has been seldom) that I can be intelligent and understand her POV. So I thanked and that must mean she and OM are having another spat. At one point while we were at the zoo, she actually told me that OM was "pissed!" That we were together. My polite non sh*t eating grin / response was, "well, you are the mother of my 3 kids". And left it at that. So we finished the day fairly well on good terms thus far, she left for Zumba for about an hour, so we'll see.
I see. I don't blame you, though. You should've seen how I reacted when the OW came out to the parking lot (the first time) and said she and my H were having an EA. That after my H had sworn he would never talk to the "crazy woman from tennis who had misunderstood his friendliness." I was a mess, and begged him to please tell me the truth from then on, bc I could never stay in our M if the EA became a PA. Well, look where that got me. I learned to control my reactions, which I think will help me in my future relationship.
Good answer you gave her at the zoo. Remember, she's trying to bring attention to herself, so don't make a fuss of anything she says about the OM or the IC.
Keep up the good work! You should feel proud of yourself.
From what ice read on your thread, you handled the OW coming up to you and your H in the car remarkably well. "Well look where that got me" - to a Tori being a better Tori. Obviously I have a goal of wanting to save my M, hence me being here, but you tried all you could, like I and many of us are trying to do.
No word on IC, as she is in the process of setting up her new office. That may be another 2 weeks. W confided that she really wants to be able to unload a lot of emotion simply to a neutral party and be heard. So that's a good thing.
Last night ended well. W and D11 worked together ob some school work. The nous played with Halloween stuff, while I set up the computer on a new desk we bought. I could have left the WiFi broken as it was "killing" W that it wasn't working, bit once I figured out where I went wrong, I was the better man and "fixed" it. . While I was moving the stuff, I was also organizing and getting rid of old stuff. It was honestly a little sad going down a mini memory lane (old notes and photos). I found a personal narrative I wrote her shortly after the bomb drop, she said she wanted to keep it. ??? I also found our "informal" last will and testament, she said let's keep and it "kind of makes me sad". Not sure exactly how come. We chit chatted a little more, including her calling me to look at some funny Pins, and then off to bed we each individually went. Before she went upstairs she did ask if I'd be "pissy" with the mess that our downstairs had become. I responded calmly with a no and thenade a joke out of it. Ice been using humor, to deal with some of this gor myself, and lately I've noticed that she has been laughing, that we have been laughing. As far as anger, I've been trying to "slow my roll" with everything including the puppy. Is it worth it to get aggravated and then mad? I can say that I have been more aware and able to.change how I respond much of the time. So I have a follow up appt in a few hours at the drs. (cholesterol and thyroid check - no known issues for me). While there I am also going to ask for std test, not that I have been active with anyone other than W back in mid July, but simply to be safe for me. I'll probably leave early so I can pick up a fee DIY things for later on. Then W will leave early afternoon for the weekend. Time to.find some fun things to do with the kiddos. I'll be more active on here the next few days.
Well, I handled the OW well the second time. Yes, there were TWO parking lot incidents. The first one is when she came out and told me about the EA. The second one (five months later) is when he had ended their R but she stalked him and came out of the darkness in the parking lot to say he had been having sex with her. Yup. This OW is crazy.
Good idea to get the STD test. I did it, and the lady who did the test told me she had THREE people a day who were there for the same reason (spouses with affairs.) Can you believe this?
I think you and your W are on a good path. Remain patient. Remain taking care of yourself. Remain calm.
Journaling... Sitting at the doc office feeling embaressed about the std test. Never thought I'd be here at this point in my life. Feeling more sad, simply because she's about to leave for the weekend? Increased by our recent "normal" times that make me miss the woman I married, not my current W. I've shared the love of her before, not this person. I have once or twice paid her a compliment when she's being fun loving, care fee, playful, beautiful in my eyes. I know I need to focus on me and the kids, BIG time now as a wave is approaching. I know I'be been a good dad, I'm feeling better / greater, especially when reading and singing to s2, playing with s7, and just hanging with d11. How horrible am I to be partially glad that w has a yeast infection due to her uti and med scenario - maybe prevent any further pa, at least for now. Being and feeling more vulnerable right. These are simply some ramblings. I need to exercise, read some, enjoy my time with the kids, get stuff done around the house that I want to (garden before its too late, gather goodwill items to actually donate. That's it for right now. Going to sit in here and wait for the doctor some more and probably practice tonglen. That helps some to not want to be tearful, to let the rope lay on the ground...
