Glad to hear it went well AS. You have been an huge help to me and it is good to see good people reap a few rewards. Small steps count -- they are measurable and dot allow for large erratic swings.
I am happy for you.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
When I gave her the flowers she thanked me and actually initiated a hug, yippee, that was on my baby step list!! I think that's the first time since before BD that she initiated. Then after our dinner we loaded up the kids in her car and she actually waited outside of the car while I hugged D15 and S9 to give me another hug! I know they are small steps, but it was still nice to see
I am so pleased that you're recognising the positives. I would say that the whole evening sounded very positive--better than 'small steps'.
While I understand you not wanting to get your hopes up and start having expectations, it is important that you not miss the positives as they give you so much information as to whether or not you're on the right path. It seems to me that you are on the right path in that your W is definitely responding positively.
Congratulations on achieving your two goals for the evening and I'm really happy for you that your twenty year anniversary was a nice time for both of you--twenty years is an achievement in and of itself!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I am so glad your anniversary went well, AS. You are really showing her the best you. That is awesome and takes so much strength. Way to go! (((((((((( )))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Williams, Wendy and Needgrace, thanks for popping in and the positive comments, they help keep me going
Well it's been another week and there have been no more hugs or terms of endearment since those I reported last week. But things have not gotten worse either. I'm sensing maybe a tiny bit of thawing on W's part in that when we talk on the phone or in person she's been getting quite chatty. No flirting or R talks, just light and fluffy stuff.
I had mentioned earlier I tried to go dim, that's largely been a flop because we have a lot of crossover contact due to the kids. Way more than I thought we would. I'm afraid it may be preventing her from getting enough "space" to think about things, but the kids come first so it is what it is.
I had mentioned that when I had the kids 2 weeks ago that W was constantly trying to come over to see them or take them to her house, practically daily. I have the kids again this week and sure enough, Monday W tried taking D15 to her house AGAIN. D15 had gone to a friend's house to work on a project and I was supposed to pick her up around 8. I texted her just before 8 and that was when I found out from D15 that W wanted to pick her up and take her to her house. I decided it was time to clarify a boundary and texted W that if she wanted time with the kids she needed to coordinate with me FIRST because I may have plans that she's not aware of. I also told her I felt it was too late for D15 to be going to her house because it was a school night. I then texted D15 that I would pick her up and she said she already had a ride. It turns out W had already picked her up! Argh! Anyway, she did bring her to my house instead of taking her to hers. I spoke with D15 about this last night and she said that she felt like W wants to see more of them. I told her I understood that, but she needed to understand that my ultimate goal is for us all to be back under one roof and that W needs to feel a sense of loss and also needs space to herself before that can happen. I also told her W needs to respect my time with them and give me the respect of letting me know in advance if she wants to make plans with them. D15 understood and promised to let me know if W contacts her before she agrees to any plans.
D18 came in last weekend and stayed with me the whole time again. She's been going through some depression due to college, so we talked about that and I think she left feeling better. She still won't open up about W, but I sense a lot of bitterness there and she shows little interest in seeing W. We did all go to see D15's halftime performance, so they did see each other Friday evening. W also stopped by to see her off before she left Sunday.
All in all there's not really much movement. At some point I think I need to try something different to change the dynamics, perhaps try a bit of flirting. I know my W, and she will probably interpret my current pulling back as losing interest in her. The problem is she will never, ever initiate a move. Never has, probably never will. So if I sit back and wait for her to approach me it will never happen. I can see sitting in limbo like this for a year, than getting a D, then having her tell me later "I wanted to reconcile, but you moved on and didn't want that." That's just the way she thinks, she always assumes the worst and never says anything. So I have to be careful about that. Unfortunately that takes me mind-reading what her mind-reading is, LOL!
Oh, I forgot to add a couple more comments to my last post. One is that it came up in conversation that W thinks she may be having hot flashes. She was told over a year ago that she would probably start menopause within a year. I've wondered if her unusual behavior might be partially due to the onset of menopause. Seems that it indeed may be underway.
The other is that I don't think W remembers that her bank account is with the same bank as my credit card, and that whenever she's overdrawn I get an email about it even though it's not a joint account. I've been getting emails practically every week since she left that she's overdrawn. W has always been terrible with finances. For those that have followed my whole story you probably remember that I did a spreadsheet for her showing her how tight her finances were going to be (mine too), but it had no impact on her. Now she's living that reality.
One is that it came up in conversation that W thinks she may be having hot flashes. She was told over a year ago that she would probably start menopause within a year. I've wondered if her unusual behavior might be partially due to the onset of menopause. Seems that it indeed may be underway.
Absolutely part of the script. And she will become the OPPOSITE of who she was in the past until this is over. Start making use of your time because this is going to take a while!
I am not sure that you doing anything different is going to change her. Put her in the hands of a higher power and let go because it is out of your control.
Would you mind expanding on that, are you saying the menopause is a contributing factor in this or are you saying she'll say things like this as an "excuse" for her behavior?
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And she will become the OPPOSITE of who she was in the past until this is over.
So far she hasn't been drastically different in any respects other than her attitude about the M. But maybe this is just the beginning. Man, I sure hope not! It's also possible that the A/D's she's on are buffering the worst of it.
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I am not sure that you doing anything different is going to change her.
Thanks, point taken
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Put her in the hands of a higher power and let go because it is out of your control.
I spend a ton of time praying over this. Mostly I pray for patience because as I've said over and over again, I don't have a lot!
My w has not been drastically different either. I sometimes wish she would show some anger towards me, it would be better than apathy. I do think it may come in time, as a way to test the waters. We really do have to just wait it out, if what we want is our m to take a new direction.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Would you mind expanding on that, are you saying the menopause is a contributing factor in this.
YES I am saying this. In many cases that you read on these forums hormones play a factor. Could be menopause (periomenopause, andropause), post partum depression or some other thing that throws them out of whack. It is not the only thing that is going on but it is one factor.
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And she will become the OPPOSITE of who she was in the past until this is over.
Well I am going to assume that bomb drop was the opposite of the person that you married. There may be other traits as you go down this road.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
So far she hasn't been drastically different in any respects other than her attitude about the M. But maybe this is just the beginning. Man, I sure hope not! It's also possible that the A/D's she's on are buffering the worst of it.
YES A/D's may be masking some of what is going on. But they are not a cure.
