Hey all, I've been reading these forums for months and have gained valuable knowledge on my situation, but I've just had a bump in the road that I need help with. This is the first time I'm writing about my sitch and I'm not great at articulating my thoughts, so please bear with me. My sitch started at beginning of May this year. Until then I thought my marriage was great, I thought better than most in fact, we were envied by others. (I was wrong, much like others on here) We have two amazing kids D7, S4. We've been married 10 yrs, together for 12. I'm 38, shes 31. I love my wife and kids with everything that I have.
May 2nd- right out of the blue W tells me she's kissed another man 4-5 times over the last couple months. I was completely mortified. Turns out she got caught and had to tell me. May 3rd- W begs and pleads to let her fix this May 5th- I had my suspicions this OM was a mutual friend of ours we'd befriended over the last year so I asked her if it was him. She said "no it isnt him, you dont know the guy, but I need to talk to you". She then proceeded to give me the ILYBINILWY speech. I'm devastated again. We spend the next couple days putting everything on the table and discuss her feelings. Shes not sure this marriage is going to work. I asked what about when you were begging and pleading with me that you wanted to fix this? (on May 3rd). She said she thinks she was saying that because of the kids. I asked her about OM. She said she just got a high from his attention and was somehow able to "turn off a switch" on her feelings/guilt. But she said she would discontinue seeing him. Theres a bunch of things that have been building up in her that have finally come out. 1) Ive been dealing with anxiety/panic disorder periodically for over a decade. I travelled very little, always wanted to drive places by myself, never wanted to go far from home. She was always amazing during these times. She drove the kids everywhere, would go to family things without me and make up excuses why I wasnt there, went on trips with friends/family without me because I couldn't go. Although she was fine with this for a very long time she started to build up resentment towards me because of it. She said I could have made more of an effort to do things close to the house. She is right, and I completely understand how this has all caught up with her, shes basically had to take care of most things. 2) We've worked together with my parents (partners) for the last 10 yrs. Her and I have helped grow the business tremendously. We always made it work. People used to ask how we did it and W used to say "he's the best part of my day". But over the last year or so she was building up resentment towards me because she worked harder than I did (this is half true). We obviously spend too much time together and that its finally caught up to us. We agree to go to MC May 9th- first MC appt. Have just enough time to explain our story. Then we come back home, and inside and shes on the front porch watching the kids. I look through the window and see her texting someone on some messenger I've never seen before. I walk outside and ask her who she texting. When shes starts talking I could tell she was lying and took the phone from her. We go inside and she proceeds to tell me shes still been talking to this guy, then after 4-5 minutes (i have her phone in my back pocket) she tells me its our mutual friend. Devastated again. This guy has been in my house numerous times with his family recently. He has 2 kids that are friends with my kids and his W and my W are also friends. I read the texts and its small sexual innuendoes and "thinking of you" texts. I then throw up in the kitchen sink. She said she swears it was only kissing (for 1 minute) no touching of any kind other than that. Then proceed to tell her what I thought of all this and how discussed I was of her actions. She agrees and is disgusted with herself. But she sys things obviously arent right and thinks we should separate so she can have time to figure out what she wants. I was devastated but agreed. We separated for 6 weeks. During that time we still talked. She said shed been unhappy for a while, kind of lost respect for me, wasnt attracted to me, I dont show enough affection (physical and emotional), shes thought about leaving etc She said all of these feelings shes had sporadically over the last year turned to concrete when :this: happened. I explain to her that this has been a life altering eye opener for me and I will do whatever it takes to show her how much I love her. After 6 weeks she says shes thinking of coming back home because being on her own has been too easy and shes not working on the marriage that way. I agree, she moved back in and we start to go to MC once a week. I set some ground rules (cut ties with OM), she agrees. And I start doing 180's, showing her more appreciation, expressing my feelings telling her how beautiful she is etc (without going overboard), getting in shape and doing things for myself (down 25lbs and very slim), GALing, make extra effort at work, doing more than I usually do around the house (I do most as it is, but trying harder) I try to fill whatever whole was missing that lead her to him. My panic disorder has suddenly stopped 6 months ago so we've been out doing tons of things together. I think I've done well with 180's and W has repeatedly told me how much she appreciates my actions. W is trying to find another job so we dont have to be together all the time.
The last couple months MC has been very helpful with our communication, W says during a couple sessions how well things are going. (But we still hasnt talked about her feelings and if they've changed, just trying to be patient)
The last month or so have gone pretty well, we just booked a family trip at the beginning on this week (her family is coming as well) coming as well. She tells me she loves me often, weve had sex a few times.
Then that takes me to Monday of this week. I'm checking my cell phone bill (which I never do but there was issues with it this month) and whos number do I find her calling at the end of June? The OM. I ask to talk to her and ask her if theres anything she needs to tell me. She proceeds to tell she's talked to someone she shouldn't have talked to. (my heart sinks) She says her sister ran into OM and said his dad was in hospital and that he just lost his job. My W said she felt bad and called him (on our work phone when she was there by herself after hours). She said she had no recollection of using her cell phone to call him at the end of June. I was obviously upset, but I kept my composure and started speaking to her calmly. I asked her if I was just spinning my wheels trying to save this marriage, told her I've become stronger and that I've tried to prepare myself to be on my own, I told her I needed to take step back from this marriage. She was devastated and left for a few minutes. When she came back she much lie I did 4 months ago shes instantly come to the realization of what she has and doesnt want to throw it away, shell give 110% to save this marriage. I said I'd love to believe what yur saying but I dont know what to believe anymore. She seems desperate to fix it. We go home Monday night and she comes onto me and we have sex. I kind of felt weird about it like I shouldnt have but I caved (we hadnt done for a month previous). I was kind of detached afterward and that night. So we go back to work yesterday (Tuesday) and I say "so when I check the work phone records theres only going to be the one call on there right?" She says no, then proceeds to tell me shes called him a couple times this month and a couple times last month. You have to be kidding me! She says somethng along the lines of "he's one of the only people who understand what ive gone through" I said do you understand how twisted of a statement that is? She said she understood and felt terrible. She said there is nothing going on and they hadnt talked about anything inappropriate and she doesnt have any feeling for him. I said "you understand that picking up the phone to call him IS INAPPROPRIATE, I dont care if your talking about the weather. You had an AFFAIR with this man, do you understand that? (that was the first time we used that word to describe her sitch). She said again that she will do anything to fix this and understands I wont believe anything she says but is hoping I'll let her show her with actions. She said she cant believe shes risked me and her family just to talk to this guy on the phone and shes ashamed of herself. She said she took advantage of the amazing way I'd been since this started. She told me all the things someone would want to hear in this situation.
The question is what do I do now? Shes trying desperately and its frankly nice to be on the other end of this. Is this what it took for her to finally see the light? Did she need to be threatened with me leaving to gain the perspective she needed? Or is she acting out of some false emotional desperation that isn't real or is going to fade? She tells me it isn't but I don't know what to believe right now. Any thoughts? Sorry for the rambling, again, I'm not good at this and I'm sure there's holes and things I'm not explaining properly, but this is a start. I would love to hear from any of the vets on here, your insight would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Well, in reading through your whole sitch it sounds like things having been going pretty well as far as patching it back together. I agree that your W should cut off communications with OM, but this sounds more like a minor setback than a deal killer to me. I would suggest sitting down with your MC and enlisting their help in setting boundaries and coming up with an accountability plan (such as W allowing you full access to her phone). Talk about what the ramifications are if W doesn't honor the boundaries, she needs to know how serious it is. The bottom line is your W is still missing some kind of emotional connection in the M and seeking it elsewhere, so you need to figure out how to give her that within the M. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not then check it out, it's a quick read and gives some great tools to determine what your W's love language is and how to fill her love tank. It'll also teach you a lot about yourself.
Thank you sincerely for taking the time to read my post and replying.
Just after my first post W sent me this letter:
I’ve been trying to find a deeper, and maybe a more meaningful way to tell you I’m sorry. But I know it’s an endless search. There’s only one way, and it’s in my actions. This is why I’m writing you this letter. I’ve crumbled our wall of trust, now for a second time. I realize that we’re starting all over again, brick by brick to rebuild it. I know it won’t be easy, but I promise I will put 100% into it. I’m so sorry for making you hurt and feel the way you are. I’ve been completely selfish, and for some reason I felt entitled to it. I blame myself, and regret not trying as hard as you have been. I’m not sure how I thought we could get better, if I wasn’t committing myself entirely to the process. I never want you to feel silly, ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed, or broken-hearted. And yet, I’ve managed to do so twice. I know that you will be sensitive to everything I do, and that time is needed. If I want this to work, I need to promise you I’ll be patient. I promise I’ll be patient and understanding. I struggle with my fears, but I know I have to put them aside if I want the mortar to stick in our wall. I will be accountable to you. I want for you to tell me what you need. I will allow you to be vulnerable with me, and I with you. I promise to reassure you time and time again that I am in this. I will do whatever it takes. I Love You
We had a long talk after this. She told me she instantly changed when forced with the fact of possibly losing me (I basically dropped the rope when I found out they still talked) much like I did when our sitch first started. She told me she has no feelings for this OM and although she realizes how inappropriate it was their recent discussions we're as friends and no parts of the convo were inappropriate in nature. I asked her how she could risk everything to have "friends" talks with him. She said at the time, in her mind, she wasn't really doing anything that affected our R. She says she understands now how silly that was and she can't believe she would risk our R just to chat with this guy on the phone.
Cadet- Although I understand the meaning and concept of detaching, I'm not sure its currently the best thing to do in my sitch. In fact, shes asking me to do the exact opposite. She says wants me to show her all the love I have. (one of the reasons she strayed in the first place is because I was detached)
AnotherStander- Yes, things have been going well patching it together thanks, this sitch only started just over 5 months ago. Compared to many other on here it appears I should consider myself lucky. I agree with all your comments. I will check out the 5 Love Languages thank you.
W and I both agree that this may have all happened for a reason and it could turn out to be a life altering blessing in disguise for us.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't fear that whatever fog she was in isn't still there, but I'm trying to stay positive that her new found perspective is here to stay. Time will tell.
We have our first MC appt in 3 weeks tomorrow, I'll check back in again after that.
Thanks Again
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Oh man, what a fantastic letter!! That is really great, I'm very happy for you! And more than a little jealous Make sure your MC is solution-based and pro-marriage. If things don't seem to go like you want them to then by all means seek out a different MC. And do still read DR and 5LL, they are great books even for those in piecing or even in healthy marriages. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!
I hear what she is saying and I agree with her that her actions must follow her words.
She seems to be saying all the right things.
A marriage is 50/50 and you can not expect it to work if you are giving more than 50% and she is not giving her 50%.
So all I am saying is to understand that all is not always as it seems. Her love for you should not be dependent on how much love you give her. It should be unconditional. The same for you.
I wish you all the luck and good fortune in the world. And I agree that you should read those two books at a minimum.
Thanks Another, MC is solution-based pro marriage. She has been instrumental in our process. Especially with W and I's communication.
Thanks Cadet, I am proceeding with caution. I agree with your comments and I'm sure my W would as well.
We went to MC last week and discussed all recent events. W commented how impressed shes been by me through our sitch. By the end of the session MC said she thinks we're pretty much done. She commented on how far we've come in such a short span of time and that we should be proud of ourselves for getting here. So we left it open to contact her if we need to come back in.
Its only been a couple weeks since our 'turning point', but W has remained consistent in her actions. Shes always asking me if theres anything she could be doing etc. Shes been talking a lot about future plans and shes been discussing a lot about past memories. She hadn't done this for a while and she was guilty during this sitch of re-writing history, so to hear talk like this has been nice. It really seems her perspective has changed, again, time will tell.
I certainly feel stronger for having gone through this. I admittedly haven't had much adversity in my life and it very well may have made me a better person for it, and in turn a better M.
I'll try to do some journaling this weekend.
Thanks
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Fantastic, it really sounds like good signs all around! A couple of weeks of consistent action from your W is certainly a good indication. Sounds like a great MC too, keep that number on file in case you need help in getting through future issues.
I hear you on the adversity, I thought I had been through some but it really pales in comparison to the last several months!
Good luck to you, please do pop in now and then, the success stories give the rest of us a lot of hope
So on the weekend I'm on our computer at home and see on the internet history from day before that W searched OM name while she was on business networking site (shes on this site daily for work). I asked her about it. She said 'it was a stupid brief moment of curiosity while she was on that site if he found another job yet'. She learned a few weeks back (her sister ran into OM)that he recently lost his job.
I told her how frustrated I was to see this on our computer. She said she felt stupid for doing it, that it just crossed her mind while she was on this site to check if he found a new job. She said it meant nothing, but she completely understands why I would be upset about it. I told her it puts doubts in my head. She said she was frustrated with herself as shes been trying her hardest to regain my trust and be transparent. I told her I spend a lot of time trying to get this guy out of my head and something like this triggers all the thoughts over again. She said she understood. She assured me that they haven't had any contact and that she would never contact him again as she promised a few weeks ago. She also said that if he happened to try to contact her that she would tell me. I told her I again would take her for her word and move pass this. I was clear that I never want her to do any searches for him and I never want to talk about him again unless I bring it up. She understood and agreed.
What should I think about this? Everything has been going great otherwise. She asks me numerous times daily if I need anything and if there's anything she could be doing. She came to me this morning asking if there was more I wanted to talk about from our convo on the weekend. Shes been very loving and affectionate and our sex life is getting back to normal. We're very open and honest and seem to be communicating well. We're going away this weekend on a weeks vacation with our kids and W family.
Should I just accept this as a small lack in judgement on my W's part and move on? That's what I've done but I'm curious on your opinions.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Make sure your MC is solution-based and pro-marriage. If things don't seem to go like you want them to then by all means seek out a different MC. And do still read DR and 5LL, they are great books even for those in piecing or even in healthy marriages. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!