Acceptance - My next challenge.

[Denver_2010]

Today W and I met in the morning to go to immigration for my visa. It was a great morning. We joked and talked a lot. In fact, while in a cafe, filling in forms, she got talking about her past and I got on full validating and listening mode. It was nice. My only contributions to the talk were to clarify things she said or to ask about details or how she'd felt. It was that nice that we actually forgot what we'd been there for and at one point, both of us realised we should be going in to hand in the forms.

We got back home and W stuck around as D8 is on holiday for a few days. At one point, I slipped and said something that the old me would have said. I caught myself reverting to my passive aggressive behaviour and although it wasn't huge, I'm worried.

What happened is that she is playing for a wedding in a few weeks and she was looking for dresses in boxes so I pointed her towards the boxes which might have them (we still haven't unpacked all the boxes and W still has a lot of stuff in my home). Well she found a dress (W doesn't usually wears dresses and heels) and asked if it would go with a pair of heels I'd bought her a few months back just before going to my country.

The thought of the heels and how good she looked with them just got to me. I felt jealous at the thought that she'd be wearing the heels and I wouldn't get to be with her. I know, it's silly and it doesn't make sense but at the time I felt a pang and simply answered moodily that I didn't know since I'd not seen them for over 5 months. I know it doesn't sound like much but deep down, I know it was meant to make her feel guilty. As the words were coming out, I realised what I was doing but it was too late.

I'm not sure my W noticed it but it's been on my mind. She actually doesn't miss much. Now I'm thinking about apologizing for this when I see her again, just in passing. She knows I've been working on solving this passive aggressive problem.

I don't know if I should or if I should just let it go and be more vigilant in the future. Any thoughts?

Don't draw attention to it. Let it go and be more vigilant. The most important thing is that you recognized it.