Was this them the whole time ??? My 2nd thread

[SunnyBurst]

Sunny

I guess I am expecting her to be nasty as she has been till I cave and let her go out on Sat and watch my son

DB101 – change how you look at things. If you are expecting her to be “nasty” then anything she says or does will be viewed through that lens. It’s not easy buddy..especially when you feel like this…

till I cave and let her go out on Sat and watch my son

One thing I noticed in your response, that maybe I am mis-interpreting (and I may) is your comment…. ”let her”

Think about that for a second….how does that sounds…YOU LET HER.

I think I should go home and make dinner the reason I don't want to is 1) I am trying to detach 2) I don't like going into a non talking situation either - very uncomfortable right now as I have been an ass kissing doormat for so long now.

The biggest thing I learned about DBing were healthy boundaries and learning to trust, love and forgive myself. I say this because if you really want to go home and make dinner, then you should. I get how hard it is to detach when your MLCer batchit crazy partner is around, but dude if she is not saying a thing and leaving you alone – try not to let it get to you and go about doing what YOU want to do.

This is the confusing part for me -- since until I started posting here I would always greet her when I saw her I am trying to stop that and NOT speak to her her UNLESS she speaks to me.

I know, I know, if you are anything like me…it was like a knife in the heart. It was like WTF, don’t I deserve at least a hello. Right now, she probably can’t be nice and civil – so instead she chooses silence. I am not excusing her bad behavior per se – just providing another perspective. Right now she can’t so try not to EXPECT her to. That said, HER ACTIONS should not DRIVE YOURS. SO if you want to say hello, say it. Don’t allow her craziness to turn you into a bitter and mean…not to mention NOT speaking person. Don’t give her a “reason” to be pissed off at you at the same token, do not do something you do not want to do.

In terms of her being in the house and not speaking……Here is where the DB approach of “act as if” I think will help….

Act as if you are okay with her being in the house, act as if you are going about your life.

Oh…and DB101 again on the “ass kissing doormat”….change how you look at it. Are you a doormat or are you giving her the loving space she needs to fix her chit? I personally, think the later.

So if I walk in and I see she has already fed my son should I say thinks for taking care of it if she still does not address me

A lot of times we hold back saying what we feel because we are concerned about what some else is gonna say and feel. Although there is a place for that (i.e. not being a cruel and mean prick, which I do not think you are) I do think that if you want to say THANK YOU to her – you should. The bigger thing to look at is….why would you change your kind and nice demeanor for her? Doesn’t that give her the power to control how YOU feel?

I am having a hard time believing that love can be that blind for 15 years in my case.

IF this is a “crisis”…then believe it or not…YOU nor SHE asked for this. Ya know I struggled with this for a long time…I came to realize that MY upbringing and my XW were the perfect ingredients for a crisis. At the end of the day, both of us did the best we could with the TOOLS we had. I am not saying this to justify her actions, I am only saying that her CRISIS is NOT YOUR FAULT and to some extent it is NOT hers either.

Sunny – this crap aint easy man and FTR, I think you are doing a hell of job. My only suggestion would be to spend less time thinking about what she is doing/saying and more time thinking about what you want in your life that really does not involve her.

Chin up dude!

God Bless,
Eric

Eric you have so much wisdom !! I was actually trying to follow this list of recomendation posted in the resource area:
Here are a few things I did to DB my H while all the craziness was going on:

·I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.

·I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was.
·I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.

·I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.

·I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. (If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.)

·I worked on my self-esteem.

·I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.

·I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.

·I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.

·I tried different 180’s.

· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.

·I became mysterious.

· I stopped initiating any conversation.

· I went to my room as soon as he came home.

· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.

· I never made plans that included him.

· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.

· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.

·I avoided OR talks.

· I stopped confronting him.

· I left the room first and ended conversations first.

·I was always friendly but distracted.

·I stopped defending myself.

·I listened to him ad- nauseum.

· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.

·Went to counseling by myself.

·Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)

·I took stock of what about myself could be improved and did so.

·I prayed

·I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.

·I gave the whole situation over to God.