Don't let the fear get to you. DO NOT give in to his requests. Tell him that he has no right to demand anything of you, especially since he is carrying on with another woman.
Even though he keeps threatening with leaving, it doesn't sound like he will. He has to know that you are not an "option".
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
lapoo, my sitch is a little different, but I found setting boundaries for the OM made a huge difference for my ability to respect myself and also make my intentions going forward clear. It was not easy, there were some unique issues that occurred, but overall it made a huge difference as it let me focus on me instead of what was being "done to me" as I saw it at the time. I thin you need to explore how to set some for you.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Wow... Such powerful insight and advice from everyone.
I haven't done anything for him not to trust other than detach and begin to enjoy life again by hanging out with my friends and taking some time for myself. As soon as my attention shifted from the sitch to me, he started obsessing.
I set the boundary of not texting, talking or FBn the OW in our house and he has obliged thus far. I told him that I was an option and that I will not share him with any OW.
He continues to say that he loves me but he's so confused about what he wants.
I am afraid that if he decides to leave, that it will be because of something I said or did. That somehow, all of this was my fault
I am afraid that if he decides to leave, that it will be because of something I said or did. That somehow, all of this was my fault
He will likely tell you exactly that. Don't believe it. Believe in yourself. You are here because you care. You are here because you want to change. You are here to change you -- no matter what excuse he gives you. He is in a deep fog and everything is your fault in his mind. The problem is that he is not seeing or thinking clearly. That is why you need to detach and GAL because that is all you can control at this point.
Our switches are different but I share your same pain and fears. You are not alone.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
After doing some yardwork (H has not been doing any yardwork)yesterday I went to the market to pick up a few items for dinner then to the mall to get a new lipstick. Stopped by my favorite restaurant which is in the mall and had a margarita with chips and dip for a snack. I hadn't eaten all day (feeling stressed). Sat and watched a few minutes of the Voice, read some DB posts then decided to head home to prepare dinner for 8:00. H called while I was in route which is about 5-10 minutes from our home. Of course he asked what I was doing and I told him I stopped by the mall then picked up some steak for dinner. I pulled in the driveway and he was already home. Conversation was going well. He talked about his work day and how good dinner was. We cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. Afterward H wanted to ML but I was tired, it was late and I knew that he could sleep in the next day but I had an early start. He immediately started questioning me again about my day, specifically about stopping at the restaurant. Ah Ha, I thought. Maybe he will reveal the real reason for all the questions. H said that he didn't understand why I needed to stop at the restaurant or have a margarita and questioned how many I had and why I was drinking. I told H that I was tired b/c of the yardwork I had done earlier and left it at that. I turned over in the bed then he asked me why I turned away from him and why I would not touch him. I felt like H was trying to pick an argument so I did not feed into it. I went to sleep.
I slept rather well last night and this morning H seemed to be in a better mood. He initiated and we ML. Afterward, I sat up in the bed thinking about my sitch. How H is acting like nothing is wrong and seems to be enjoying that I am no longer asking questions, snooping or mentioning the OW. How he seemed proud of the fact that he is no longer in a PA but did mention he still talks (EA)to OW on occasion. How he has designated Sunday's as his "Man's day out" which I don't question either b/c I'm trying to GAL myself. How he could be cake eating...hmmmm. So many thoughts ran through my mind. So much uncertainty. H asked what I was thinking and I told him that somethings I'd like to keep to myself. That some thoughts didn't warrant a discussion. He said, "so it's like that?" and I said yes. For the first time throughout this sitch, I did not respond in a tell all manner.
I plan to meet up with friends on Friday night to watch a co-worker who plays in a band, catch a movie on Saturday and invite family and friends over for dinner on Sunday. I want to do this with or without H. Should I tell him my plans and give him an opportunity to participate or just do it? GAL/Detach mode?
Also, I feel like I need more insight on cake eating and how to expose and deal with that w/o reverting back to asking him a ton of questions b/c I would'nt believe him anyway.
Well, I told H my plans for the weekend but I didn't let him know that I would off work on Friday. I plan on some me time if possible. He said, we'll see when I told him about my plans as if it was "our" plans. I made it clear that those were my plans and he just said okay. That was all via texts.
Nice work Lapoo! You're making yourself more appealing, more independent, more mysterious. You've got him wondering what's going on! That's exactly the impact you want to have with GAL. He needs to know that you're not a "sure thing", that you're not sitting around the house waiting for him every minute of the day. I think in the future you should be even less forthcoming with info, in the case of the mall I wouldn't have filled him in on the details about eating/ margarita/ etc. but rather would have just said "I ran some errands" or something vague like that. His paranoia is a result of his own infidelity, he doesn't trust you because he knows you can't trust him. Don't play into it, that's a problem of his making and he has to resolve it himself. You might even tell him that- just because he breached YOUR trust in him doesn't mean YOU now have to be 100% accountible to HIM.
Thanks for responding AnotherStander...I think you are absolutely correct. The obsessing has gone to another level. He saw me reading DB posts last night and asked me when I was gonna stop reading this type of stuff. All he saw was the Divorce portion listed in the heading. I told him it was self-help for me. He left and went into our game room to listen to some music. It was obvious that he wantede to be alone. He was acting as if he was grieving over the situation or maybe something happened btw H and OW. I'm not sure b/c I did not ask. I figured he wanted to be alone so I simply told him goodnight and went to bed. I awoke during the night to find him fishing on the site. I noticed he even accessed my email account and possibly obtained my PW to view my posts. He is a hacker and I'm sure he viewed my history. Now I will have to change my username because he knows that Lapoo is my nickname. Jeezz...I thought I would enjoy a restful night but I could not sleep well knowing what he was doing but I didn't say anything this morning to him about it. He was distant and didn't have much conversation. I fixed coffee, gave him a kiss on the cheek, told him to have a nice day and left for work. I will continue to press forward despite the turn of events. If he did read my posts then he will understand how deeply hurt I am and how much I am will to invest in saving our relationship. He will also know that any changes I've made are not temporary but for myself w or w/o him.
