it hurts it hurts it hurts and I miss him. I cant stop crying and I want to call him, I just want to hear his voice. Please tell me I can save my marriage.
We can't guarantee you that, all we can tell you is that there have been many people in your exact situation that did later reconcile. But first you've got to get through the grieving process that you are clearly in. You should absolutely not try to contact H in any way while you are grieving because you will end up in the beg/ plead mode and that will push him farther away. Just avoid him and try to work your way through the grief. Reach out to friends and family for support, but don't try to get them to takes sides or try to justify your position to them because that too can get back to H and drive him farther away. Just use them for emotional support.
Originally Posted By: LittleWings
I haven't heard from him now since Friday when he said - 'we can be friends in time, like a year maybe but for now no contact except for formalities' this is such a turn around from him wanting to be good friends and go and do stuff together still etc.
Have you read DR yet?
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
He is going to say many hurtful things in the coming weeks/ months. Just remember that it doesn't mean anything, it's his emotions talking. It's important to validate his emotions, do not argue, justify, etc. He says no contact? You say "I understand why you feel that way and will respect your wishes." Then follow through, don't contact him! Let him contact you. It may take quite a while. But rest assured he is thinking about you even though it may not seem like it.
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How can I save our marriage if our contact is zero.....!
You have to understand that zero contact is not "doing nothing". You are doing something, it is a form of fighting. Possibly the hardest form, because it goes against our beg/ plead instincts. You are giving him time and space. That will go further towards saving your marriage at this point than anything else you might be picturing.
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I am seeing someone else too right now, he is kind and sweet and loves me, it helps me get through the lonely times but not sure if this is the right thing to be doing? Is is ok to date whilst Db'ing?
Wow, you're actually dating someone already? You're in the middle of grieving, personally I think that's a bad idea because your emotions are all over the place right now. Plus it can derail your efforts to save your M.
Originally Posted By: LittleWings
I dont understand why he cant see that we could make this if he would only try, it all feels so hopeless now.
Read DR, it'll help you understand what's going on. We all wish we could sit down with our spouses, have a rational discussion of why they should quit this silliness and then go back to a loving M. Ain't gonna happen. You're dealing with someone that's letting his emotions run the show. Logic and reason are on vacation for now. DB'ing addresses how to deal with people like this, and it's contrary to what we all think we should be doing. That's why it's important to keep reading it throughout the process.
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What happens now to all the dreams and goals and passions we shared, now what.
Like John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". Yes it's miserable to see your plans go up in flames. Believe me, I know. At my age I wasn't far from a happy retirement with W, we had all the financials worked out, had a fantastic road map in place, and now it's all out the door. That's life, it's full of interesting twists, turns and surprises. Some good, some bad. We have no choice but to roll with the punches and try to emerge as better people.
