You have to deal with it to put it behind you and part of that my be revisiting it in some way.

You're mindreading and personalizing a lot. While it affects you, it's not about you.

The Intimacy Struggle by Janet Wotitz is another of those books I wished I'd found before the BD. I also wished my H could have read it because it explained so much that I was unable to. Might be helpful for you.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss