Actually had a conversation with my W last night. I called in the evening as usual with no answer. About 20 minutes later W calls and we talk for a bit. Turns out she had left the kids with her aunt & uncle for the day and she had gone and spent the day with a friend from her childhood. She really enjoyed the day with her friend based upon her comments and the tone of her voice.
Quick refresher. W is an orphan. Dad left when she was 13, mom died when she was 16. She then lived with the aunt & uncle mentioned above. She also connected with another family who embraced her with love and have become my in-laws & her family despite the fact there is no blood relation...This family has taken W in as a daughter & sister completely. They are my kids grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins.
So, here's my mental obstacle course. First, I'm glad she had a good day. This friend is able to relate to my W like few people can because she actually saw and knew my W growing up in a dysfunctional family which included abuse and alcoholism.
The obstacle course comes in the following ways: 1) W did not mention to me she was meeting this friend and it feels like how she was hiding her life from me post bomb 2) It hurts to see W connect and be happy with other relationships while treating our marriage like and chore or obligation at best.
W's has damaged her relationships with those that have cared for her and even her new sister who has been one of W's closest friends for the past 25 years has said how W has pushed everyone away and cannot see how it will improve unless W decides to realize it and work to improve those relationships.
So I listened to W, made a point to be upbeat and acknowledge the signifigance of spending time with an old friend who not only knew about but also shared in W's troubled youth. I asked W to have the kids call when she got back to her aunt & uncles, which she did.
When we were first married, W was adamant and diligent about leaving her past behind her. She verbalized not wanting anything to do with her biological siblings (due to significant substance & emotional issues) or be part of the struggles she had faced growing up (alcohol & drugs at an early age). Now she seems to want to reconnect with it in a way that almost seems like she has altered her view of what that life really was while detaching herself from the relationships that supported her growth out of a difficult life.
I'm trying to understand. But honestly, I don't get it.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
