AT, you are right, I do get a lot from posting on others' thread. Sometimes I actually end up answering my own questions.
Sometimes though, I don't have much to contribute but I write a few words to bump the thread at the top of the list and because, as you said, it's always nice to come on and see words from our brothers and sisters in arms.
Rough, you know how I feel about you mate. It's like we've been fighting this war together for years. I really wish I could buy you a drink someday my friend. Your words are always appreciated and you are right, there are a lot of good people out here.
Tori, I can't begin to imagine how I might have helped you as you always seem so strong and you have such a great attitude considering what you're presently going through. I'm glad you have managed to find peace through it all.
Re: Being in love with OP, I loved your story and it does give me hope. Thanks!
Vero, I'd like to hear what was said about acceptance in your meeting. Re: Gardening, I've started this as well and It's very therapeutic. I'll take your advice about the weeds and apply it to my life as well as my garden. Patience is the word, right?
I'm glad you are feeling serenity. It's something to aim for.
Again, I can't begin to tell you guys and girls what you mean to me. I know that we're all at different stages of our sitches and that we are likely to face different outcomes in the future but simply knowing that there are people such as you out there gives me back some faith in mankind, in loyalty and honesty, in determination and strength when faced with impossible odds. Thanks for sharing your incredible strength with me here today. I needed that and you delivered on cue. Cheers to you all.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Today W and I met in the morning to go to immigration for my visa. It was a great morning. We joked and talked a lot. In fact, while in a cafe, filling in forms, she got talking about her past and I got on full validating and listening mode. It was nice. My only contributions to the talk were to clarify things she said or to ask about details or how she'd felt. It was that nice that we actually forgot what we'd been there for and at one point, both of us realised we should be going in to hand in the forms.
We got back home and W stuck around as D8 is on holiday for a few days. At one point, I slipped and said something that the old me would have said. I caught myself reverting to my passive aggressive behaviour and although it wasn't huge, I'm worried.
What happened is that she is playing for a wedding in a few weeks and she was looking for dresses in boxes so I pointed her towards the boxes which might have them (we still haven't unpacked all the boxes and W still has a lot of stuff in my home). Well she found a dress (W doesn't usually wears dresses and heels) and asked if it would go with a pair of heels I'd bought her a few months back just before going to my country.
The thought of the heels and how good she looked with them just got to me. I felt jealous at the thought that she'd be wearing the heels and I wouldn't get to be with her. I know, it's silly and it doesn't make sense but at the time I felt a pang and simply answered moodily that I didn't know since I'd not seen them for over 5 months. I know it doesn't sound like much but deep down, I know it was meant to make her feel guilty. As the words were coming out, I realised what I was doing but it was too late.
I'm not sure my W noticed it but it's been on my mind. She actually doesn't miss much. Now I'm thinking about apologizing for this when I see her again, just in passing. She knows I've been working on solving this passive aggressive problem.
I don't know if I should or if I should just let it go and be more vigilant in the future. Any thoughts?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Let it go. I don't think it was a big failure in the first place, but bringing it up will only re-focus on it. Why do that? I doubt she's thinking about it now.
Concentrate on the positive things.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I shared something I think would help. I recently started gardening, well more like pulling the weeds cuz I don't plant anything! lol! My father told me to use the back of the hammer to pull them out quicker. I did and they quickly grew back. I learned from my mom to water before weeding. This way you pull them out from the roots.
I later learned that the slower you pull them out the better you'll get at pulling out the entire root.
I apply this to my sitch. I've been trying to detach quickly to escape from the pain. Instead I unmasked the anger and GOD was it painful! Slowly I worked at detaching.
I am not 100% but I feel so much more serenity now than ever before.
Every day is better
Great analogy. Applicable to many of us on here. I suffer from wanting immediate results and change too and am slowly learning to be patient again. It is so hard but helps finding inspiration on here helps each day.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Yeah, I know what you mean but the drinks are on me! Both of us obsess on the smallest things, I’ve done it and we both know it does no good. I have two recent posts from Denver and 25 that really hit home. I reread them as a constant reminder. My focus can’t be on W, it’s ME time. I have a lot of work to do, I need to get things in order. Stay strong Arsene, your a good man! Take care buddy.
Today W and I met in the morning to go to immigration for my visa. It was a great morning. We joked and talked a lot. In fact, while in a cafe, filling in forms, she got talking about her past and I got on full validating and listening mode. It was nice. My only contributions to the talk were to clarify things she said or to ask about details or how she'd felt. It was that nice that we actually forgot what we'd been there for and at one point, both of us realised we should be going in to hand in the forms.
We got back home and W stuck around as D8 is on holiday for a few days. At one point, I slipped and said something that the old me would have said. I caught myself reverting to my passive aggressive behaviour and although it wasn't huge, I'm worried.
What happened is that she is playing for a wedding in a few weeks and she was looking for dresses in boxes so I pointed her towards the boxes which might have them (we still haven't unpacked all the boxes and W still has a lot of stuff in my home). Well she found a dress (W doesn't usually wears dresses and heels) and asked if it would go with a pair of heels I'd bought her a few months back just before going to my country.
The thought of the heels and how good she looked with them just got to me. I felt jealous at the thought that she'd be wearing the heels and I wouldn't get to be with her. I know, it's silly and it doesn't make sense but at the time I felt a pang and simply answered moodily that I didn't know since I'd not seen them for over 5 months. I know it doesn't sound like much but deep down, I know it was meant to make her feel guilty. As the words were coming out, I realised what I was doing but it was too late.
I'm not sure my W noticed it but it's been on my mind. She actually doesn't miss much. Now I'm thinking about apologizing for this when I see her again, just in passing. She knows I've been working on solving this passive aggressive problem.
I don't know if I should or if I should just let it go and be more vigilant in the future. Any thoughts?
Don't draw attention to it. Let it go and be more vigilant. The most important thing is that you recognized it.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I met W again tonight after my gig. She'd just brought D8 back home. She'd taken her to her gig (D8 is on holiday) and so when I got home she was still here. W seemed in a good mood so I figured my slip went over her head and I didn't mention it.
We again had a good time talking and I mostly listened and validated (I think I'm getting better at it - Thanks to Denver's post on Rough's thread). Even though she said she was tired, she stayed around 1 1/2 hour and we talked about everything and nothing (no R talk). She told me how hard it's been with trying to make ends meet and how much she works. I didn't offer any advice or try to fix anything. I asked questions, repeated what she'd say and ask for clarifications.
While telling mew how hard hr life now was, she told me (without prompting from me in anyway) about 5 or 6 times that she was happy.
She also told me I look good, way better than I used to.
I mentioned how I wanted to do something with D8 this weekend and she commented that it was too bad because she was busy all weekend (I don't know if she assumed I was inviting her but I wasn't).
As she left, I thanked her for the help with immigration this morning.
It felt like old days again. It's nice but I'm making sure not to get any expectations other than the fact that this won't last.
I almost feel like I'm seeing her too much but other than the immigration thing, I don't initiate or encourage anything. She's been initiating convos and sticking around the house. Should I make up some reason to leave if this happens again?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
