Life as an Authentically Living LBS.

[AntoniaB]

I like this topic...It makes me reflect.

I think that as much as my relationship with my XH was comforting and made me feel safe, that I was not really authentically me for the second half of the relationship. So really, that's a decade where I wasn't who I was meant to be.

I think the way I live my life now is much more authentic. I was becoming very much like XH the longer I was with him. Interestingly the first conversation he and I ever had was an argument about how I was very optimistic and he was very pessimistic. And of course I had this whole "I can change him" thing going...but he also sort of "chose" me because he thought I was "good" for him with my optimism.

All that happened was that my optimism drained after years and I became angry and cynical and lost my empathy for others.

I'd say now I'm back to the core self as far as optimism, compassion, empathy, etc. I still go to the victim mentality when things get bad or pile up, I get all "I need someone to save me", but it eventually passes.

What's weird is that the longer I'm alone, the more I'm conquering fears that were with me since childhood. I had no chance at conquering that stuff while with XH. NO CHANCE.

My life is incredibly different. It's very bittersweet. I miss him sometimes so much. I will be somewhere, hear a song, and fall right back in time to some memory with him, and that will just about tear me apart. And then I have to talk myself back into the present and say well, yeah, you're sad, and yet, there are all these things that wouldn't be if he hadn't betrayed you, and those things might not make you happy as a "partner in a couple", but they are empowering as an individual.

I do feel that there are repercussions to what he did. I don't think I will ever fully trust any man again and I don't think I will ever fully believe in love again (of a romantic nature). I just really don't think it's going to happen. Doesn't mean I won't get involved with someone, but it means I'll always have my guard up. I will always be skeptical. I don't think I can get rid of that.

That's the part of me that is authentic and yet sad because I can't get rid of it. I forgive what happened. But I cannot forget it no matter how hard I try.