Chuck says most WAS have 2 core beliefs. In my case it would be: 1. H knows Ro and everything about her, and that’s all he needs to know 2. H knows Ro will never change
Chuck thinks the changes I made this past 9 months has h feeling things again. Being someone who internalizes a great deal, has had many emotional stresses in the past few months (knee surgery, son graduating, dad coming back into the picture, being laid off, aunt dying), and hasn’t learned how to connect, it feels like too much weight to carry. He says it makes sense for him to feel it’s time to pull back.
Chuck thinks during the past 9 months, when I was getting some responses from H, he may have been “testing” me so to speak…to see if the changes were real. (H has told me that he notices my changes. But he still wanted out) He may have even started to fall back in love. So when all of these stressors come into play, the protective part of him says Uh oh, and the list of complaints comes back into the picture. He says the WAS will push your buttons to see if the LBS will get defensive so they can say, “See! You haven’t changed!” (I can say this did happen on a couple of occasions in September when H and I would talk.) Chuck asked me how much I laugh. I said all the time, because I do. Even during this situation, I still find things to laugh about. Some people at work actually made a comment today about my sense of humor.
Chuck says that H and I have a core friendship. He thinks I should start off sending text messages every now and then, as I would a friend. Basically every few days. He says we need to lean on the strengths of our relationship, one of which is our friendship. (One of H’s complaints is I stopped being his friend) Chuck said we needed to have friendly interactions – talk about sports, politics, weather, funny emails, etc. Then every other interaction or so, it needs to be a lighter interaction. Let H see my smile, even over the phone. He needs to see this image. But he wanted me to know that every time this image pops in H’s head, it’s going to be a problem for him. Because h won’t want to think about it. Chuck says H needs to be invited into the friendship again.
Chuck did tell me that when H starts initiating contact, to mix it up – answer some calls, let some calls go to voice mail; respond to some text messages right after I get them, and let others sit until later. Basically created some mystery. Chuck says these interactions will challenge his core beliefs. Chuck also asked me what I’ve been doing to take care of myself. I told him I’d been working out, hanging with friends, etc. He then asked me if h was around to see any of that. I told him he was around to see most of it. That I had basically told myself at the beginning of September that regardless of what was happening I had to take care of myself. I told him that in fact, the 2 previous nights before H told me he was leaving, I had a happy hour, and dinner with some DB friends that actually went pretty late. Chuck thinks H may have been watching me take care of myself, and figured if I had already moved on, he might as well just leave. I will say, I actually thought about this when H told me was moving out, because he had been acting really strange when I would go places or do things. But of course, he never said anything.
Chuck asked me if I was feeling any resentment and what I was doing about it. I told him I definitely had some, but I was working really hard to be forgiving and let the A go. I said most days I’m okay, other days, not so much. He told me to continue to work on it through church, and writing it out in my journal.
Chuck said he sees some hope in my sitch. I told him I was glad he and my MIL did, because I wasn't there.
So I think my plan is to send H a few friendly texts a week, maybe a couple of phone calls a week. The first year of our relationship was actually long distance, so I kinda feel like we're starting over from that point. I'm not sure there's anything else I should be doing.
