Going to be praying for you even more Ro. You will make it through this. You have learned so much since you first came here. Lots of love and respect your way!
Chuck says most WAS have 2 core beliefs. In my case it would be: 1. H knows Ro and everything about her, and that’s all he needs to know 2. H knows Ro will never change
Chuck thinks the changes I made this past 9 months has h feeling things again. Being someone who internalizes a great deal, has had many emotional stresses in the past few months (knee surgery, son graduating, dad coming back into the picture, being laid off, aunt dying), and hasn’t learned how to connect, it feels like too much weight to carry. He says it makes sense for him to feel it’s time to pull back.
Chuck thinks during the past 9 months, when I was getting some responses from H, he may have been “testing” me so to speak…to see if the changes were real. (H has told me that he notices my changes. But he still wanted out) He may have even started to fall back in love. So when all of these stressors come into play, the protective part of him says Uh oh, and the list of complaints comes back into the picture. He says the WAS will push your buttons to see if the LBS will get defensive so they can say, “See! You haven’t changed!” (I can say this did happen on a couple of occasions in September when H and I would talk.) Chuck asked me how much I laugh. I said all the time, because I do. Even during this situation, I still find things to laugh about. Some people at work actually made a comment today about my sense of humor.
Chuck says that H and I have a core friendship. He thinks I should start off sending text messages every now and then, as I would a friend. Basically every few days. He says we need to lean on the strengths of our relationship, one of which is our friendship. (One of H’s complaints is I stopped being his friend) Chuck said we needed to have friendly interactions – talk about sports, politics, weather, funny emails, etc. Then every other interaction or so, it needs to be a lighter interaction. Let H see my smile, even over the phone. He needs to see this image. But he wanted me to know that every time this image pops in H’s head, it’s going to be a problem for him. Because h won’t want to think about it. Chuck says H needs to be invited into the friendship again.
Chuck did tell me that when H starts initiating contact, to mix it up – answer some calls, let some calls go to voice mail; respond to some text messages right after I get them, and let others sit until later. Basically created some mystery. Chuck says these interactions will challenge his core beliefs. Chuck also asked me what I’ve been doing to take care of myself. I told him I’d been working out, hanging with friends, etc. He then asked me if h was around to see any of that. I told him he was around to see most of it. That I had basically told myself at the beginning of September that regardless of what was happening I had to take care of myself. I told him that in fact, the 2 previous nights before H told me he was leaving, I had a happy hour, and dinner with some DB friends that actually went pretty late. Chuck thinks H may have been watching me take care of myself, and figured if I had already moved on, he might as well just leave. I will say, I actually thought about this when H told me was moving out, because he had been acting really strange when I would go places or do things. But of course, he never said anything.
Chuck asked me if I was feeling any resentment and what I was doing about it. I told him I definitely had some, but I was working really hard to be forgiving and let the A go. I said most days I’m okay, other days, not so much. He told me to continue to work on it through church, and writing it out in my journal.
Chuck said he sees some hope in my sitch. I told him I was glad he and my MIL did, because I wasn't there.
So I think my plan is to send H a few friendly texts a week, maybe a couple of phone calls a week. The first year of our relationship was actually long distance, so I kinda feel like we're starting over from that point. I'm not sure there's anything else I should be doing.
My DB was Laurie. I really liked her but when I think back I don't think my sitch changed much during the 6 sessions. My sitch changed more after the last session. Maybe cuz I knew I didn't have more money and had to get my behind in gear!
I'm glad Chuck gave you solid pointers. Please let us know how it goes!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Vero, this was only my 3rd session. I may go for a few more. Just depends on how things go.
I didn't contact H at all yesterday. Its hard, but I'm trying to stick it. I woke up this morning and had gotten a text message from H at midnight saying, "Goodnight. I love u". I responded saying I had been asleep when he sent the message (I was). That I hoped he was feeling better (on Tuesday, he said he felt like he was coming down with something) and that I loved him too. I purposely didn't say I love you when we talked on Tuesday. I tried to keep it low pressure.
I'm going to try and not mindread about why H sent that message. Who knows why? Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Plus, my bday is Saturday. YAY! Not sure what I'm doing yet. Probably hang out with friends. I will admit I'm kind of sad that I won't spend it with H, but that's just the way it is now. He did say he had planned to still get me a gift. I'll believe it when I see it.
RORO!!! I HATED my bday last year (7-24-11). It was only a few weeks after he moved out and 2 days before I had the baby. I walked into a bakery, picked out a cake and asked them to put my name. The lady said, It's for you? Oh no! you shouldn't be getting your own cake!
D@mn lady made me cry all the way home!
This year was much better.
H can't give you the best bday ever. You're going to have to do that on your own and surround yourself with people that love you unconditionally!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
RORO!!! I HATED my bday last year (7-24-11). It was only a few weeks after he moved out and 2 days before I had the baby. I walked into a bakery, picked out a cake and asked them to put my name. The lady said, It's for you? Oh no! you shouldn't be getting your own cake!
D@mn lady made me cry all the way home!
This year was much better.
H can't give you the best bday ever. You're going to have to do that on your own and surround yourself with people that love you unconditionally!
H had originally said he would come this week to get the rest of his stuff. He hasn't mentioned anything else about it. But I had already been thinking that if he does, I'm going to tell him that I don't feel comfortable with him coming this week or next week. He can come later or next month.
I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, but I won't be sitting in the house.
A friend mentioned that they were surprised Chuck didn't advise me to go more dark. I said I was surprised too. I think from other stories I've read here, that's what either the coach or folks on the forum have advised. I can't tell if it worked or didn't work for them.
I told Chuck I wasn't sure what to do. This situation has me perplexed. Do I give up? Do I even still want to stand for my marriage? Will it be worth it? Lots of questions...no real answers.
H just called me to tell me that MIL has an appt with a heart specialist tomorrow. They think she had a mild heart attack at some point. He seemed ok about it, and plans to go to the appt tomorrow. Oh, and his dad called and said he had a blockage in one of his arteries and had to go back to the dr as well.
I told him I'd be praying for both of them and he's supposed to call me once they know something about his mother tomorrow.
GEEZ...Does it ever end?
We did talk for about 30 mins about random stuff. We talked some about SS starting college. He told me he had thought of taking pics of some of the food he's had that he knows I like and send it to me, but decided not to. I told him that would have just been wrong. So we laughed about that.
Overall, I'd say it was less strained than the last conversation. I have no expectations that we'll talk anymore than tomorrow and maybe Saturday because its my b'day.
