Back to Square One?

[AnotherStander]

I'm flabbergasted because H commented on me being different this morning.

Wow, that sounds like an awesome development!! Congratulations! It really sounds like he was speaking from the heart too!

Also, another positive was that when I got home yesterday he wasn't out for the first time in ages on a Sunday around 6. He was actually watching football with S17 on the TV and hadn't been drinking!

I think you said you've read 5LL didn't you? Have you read it again recently? Something like the above would be a great opportunity to affirm his positive behavior. Tell him something like "It really warmed my heart to see you staying home and spending time with S17, you are really a great father!" It will encourage him to continue that type of behavior and expand upon it. Now granted, sitting around watching TV may not seem like something to celebrate, but it is such an improvement over him being out drinking that it's worth reinforcing.

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, AS, for your feedback.

Yes, that would be a great opportunity for some words of affirmation. I reckon that Ws of A is H's LL. I will make sure I say something to that effect. I actually spend so little time in H's presence that it's not that easy to find the time to give him words of affirmation.

I've hardly had the chance to DB today because we've each been doing our own thing, with driving and picking up D15 from netball and sharing responsibilities for S13 and eating at separate times. We did watch one episode of The Good Wife together and I practiced my 'cutting and running' by being quick on the uptake with turning off the TV. He'd already left the room before any of that happened though. Funny how he assumes that I'll turn off the TV and the lights in the room. He couldn't run down to his study any faster. He hasn't reappeared since.

He always looks uncomfortable if I approach his study. If he hears my footsteps coming down, he pre-empts me by coming out of his study. I've deliberately not interrupted him when he's been in his study recently. It's right next to the kitchen though so sometimes I do go down when it has nothing to do with him.

Last night I woke up at 3 am and noticed that H wasn't in bed. He sometimes falls asleep downstairs (which always puzzles me) and usually when I notice I go and get him. Last night, I did a 180 and just left him to it. He came up not long after anyway.

In some ways, I can't take his lack of contact that personally because he is also like that with the kids.

[MKB23]

Hmmm. Does he have a computer in there?

[Wendylon]

Yes, he is glued to it most of the time. Why do you ask?

[tori2012]

MKB23's suspicion sounds true to me too. Online all the time? Not a good sign. But what can you do? Spy on him? Just keep working on yourself and showing you're not dependent on him. Be your best, and don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he does things. I realized it's futile to try to read someone's mind. Good luck, Wendylon.

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Tori, for spelling out your suspicions and for your encouragement. I'll look for your thread.

Again this morning, H's laptop was on his desktop screen by the time I got into the kitchen. He sits with S13 as he has breakfast but can't even do that without his laptop in front of him. It looks weird because he's staring at his desktop which I'm sure is not what he's doing just before he hears my footsteps. I was tempted to snoop yesterday because S17 called him upstairs to borrow something and his laptop was unsupervised for a few minutes on the kitchen table. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I didn't have my glasses with me so couldn't see a thing.

I would drive myself crazy if I went down the snooping/PI route. Also, when would I decide I had enough information? I could get addicted to knowing what he's up to and I'd rather put the energy, time and money into becoming someone that H wants to hang out with.

A positive this morning: H called up to me by saying, "Wifey". He used to call me that when we first got married and it's always been used affectionately. I was really pleased.

I have been better with WOA. He picked D15 up at midnight from school last night and I said how lucky D15 was to have a father like him. He's also taking her to a full day of rounders out of town tomorrow and he's also volunteered to drop her off at the train station before 5am on Tues. He is really good at chauffeuring the kids around and esp D15 since she's the main one who is involved in activities.

I've also been better at listening to his views on current affairs. He likes to hold forth and it's not really my thing but I've been listening because I realise that he enjoys it and if I'm not listening, I'm sure someone else will! Even the fact that he's taking the time to talk to me is a plus.

Finally, last night he made a point of being back in time for supper. He'd asked when we'd be eating and wasn't sure at first that he could make it back in time but then did.

Like AnotherStander, I don't want to overestimate the importance of these steps but I do think that my changes are leading to some positives.

I keep saying it but the wisdom and encouragement on this board is so precious. Thank you so much, all of you.

[AnotherStander]

I would drive myself crazy if I went down the snooping/PI route. Also, when would I decide I had enough information?

It's enough to know that the M is in trouble and it's all on you to fix it. If there's some kind of affair you're going to find out eventually whether you snoop or not. But if you snoop and H finds out, that can be a huge setback.

A positive this morning: H called up to me by saying, "Wifey". He used to call me that when we first got married and it's always been used affectionately. I was really pleased.

That's great! Baby step!

I have been better with WOA. He picked D15 up at midnight from school last night and I said how lucky D15 was to have a father like him.

Good job, straight out of 5LL Keep it up!

I've also been better at listening to his views on current affairs. He likes to hold forth and it's not really my thing but I've been listening because I realise that he enjoys it and if I'm not listening, I'm sure someone else will!

Great, you're getting the hang of DB'ing Our MC went into how we should be interested in our spouse's interests even if it's not our thing. That's something that's always annoyed me about my W, she doesn't care a bit about my hobbies and really discouraged me from talking about them. The C said her H is into cars (I am too) and so she goes to car shows with him not because she cares about cars (she doesn't really), but because she likes seeing him enjoy something that much. She said she had to fake it at first, but she couldn't help but eventually become interested in something he liked so much. I think that's a great example!

[Tumbling]

Wendylon
So happy for you - to quote an UK TV advert
"You are so DBing, you don't even know it!"

As for PC/laptop. If he does it in the open in front of kids but not you, surely it can't be too bad can it?

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, AS and Tumbling, for writing in.

AS, your story about your MC's efforts in regard to her husband's interest in cars and your feelings about your wife's reaction to your hobbies make me even more determined to show an interest in H's interests. We do sometimes groan as a family when he starts wanting to explain something scientific to us. I'll make sure that I don't roll my eyes the next time he starts.

Thank you Tumbling for the praise re my DBing efforts. I'll try to keep it up. Actually, S13's autism is such that H might as well be around a one year old. D15 and S17 pick up breakfast on their way to school so don't go down to the kitchen in the mornings. H could do absolutely anything around S13 without any repercussions. He could even hold hands and kiss OW2 (not that I know if this happens!) in S13's presence and I wouldn't be able to find out anything from S13.

H was a bit late for supper tonight but called to say he was on his way. I think he has a soft spot when it comes to family time so I've made more of an effort to have all of us together for supper. I'm sure it's one of the things that kept him from leaving 8 years ago. He knew he'd miss out on that if he did go off with OW1.

Speaking of OWs, H hasn't mentioned the woman he took out to the theatre two months ago (having lied about it first, etc..) since that horrible day/night on 13-14 August. My birthday was 14 August and it was not a good day. I'd spent the day away from the house and was hurt and angry. H had said that if he left me it wouldn't be because of OW, it would be because of me. Anyway, Aug 14 was not a happy day so H suggested a little later that we have a retake of birthday meal another time. It is scheduled for tomorrow evening but H hasn't brought it up recently. I hope it's still on. I'm scared to ask what time he'll be back from taking D15 to her rounders tournament. He's probably waiting for me to bring it up.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, why are you scared to ask your H what time he'll be back? After all, he's the one who suggested going on a b-day dinner. I think it's totally ok to tell him, "hey, are we still on for my b-day dinner?" Heck, it's your birthday, and you deserve to be treated well.

In regard to OW #1, what changes did you two make since then? Were the risk factors for another A still there during the past few years? Even more importantly, are the risk factors present now? What can you do to get rid of them? Think about it.