Acceptance - My next challenge.

[25yearsmlc]

Arsene, I'm sorry you are hurting so much. It just sukks. Not a lot else to say about gross pain, b/c that's what it is.

Except that it does pass and you will feel better. In time. No matter what else happens, time will help you.

Thanks Rough,

It's always comforting knowing you're around. I'm so happy for you that after all this time, things are moving a bit in your sitch and it seems like it might be positive. You're always saying how crap you are at this yet you've been so detached for so long and your DBing has been excellent. Good things are on their way for you mate.

CB, I know I shouldn't think about that yet, because it's so far from now (if ever) but I have thought about it a lot, and I hope I have the strength to do just that if and when the day comes.

How about just thinking about today? You know, "Be Here Now" and don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.


I know that you are 110% right on this and I just wish she had chosen to take this time, for which she asked and which I granted, to work on herself instead of taking the easy way "forward" and fall into the arms of OM, who is just as flawed (actually certainly a he11 of lot more flawed) as I was when she left me.

a lot of mind reading here^^^, again. Of course you'd prefer she be alone while working on herself. We all would. That does not happen often.

Most of the time the WAW lacks the resolve to leave a financially secure M, when she has children, unless there's an OM.

My point is, if he's so flawed (and I agree that he must be) only time w/him will show that! Not her alone. I mean, given that she already knew she had feelings for him, I submit the only way for her to figure out what a loser he is, is by seeing it first hand.

If he really has dropped his family for her, the guilt that might cause could keep her close for a short time, but it'll eat at her. She'll want him to go back to them. With or without you in the picture, I think that's what she's going to suggest to OM in time.



She told me then that she didn't want to come back to me because she was afraid we would fall in the same patterns yet she walked straight into the same pattern.

This^^^ is, of course, her fear. That's what the WAS's ALL fear.

Most WASs feel they had reasons for leaving (you agreed that your w did). So naturally her biggest fear is giving up OM for you, and then finding out it's all going to be the same old same old, after a few months.

She thinks, atm, that OM is THE route to her happiness.

I'm not defending her Arsene, but you do see her point, right?

I mean, her FEAR is that she'll lose out on the one man who can make her happy - to return to the one man who hurt her, for years, only to have him backslide and repeat it all over again.

That is frightening to her. She seems paralyzed. IF you could just be a jerk, she'd know she made the right choice. So Your job is to offer a third option, which is the NEW YOU...

Only time + consistent changes will = her believing in the changes.



The thing I am certain of is that when this relationship with OM goes south, he won't do a fraction of what I'm doing for her, and she knows that.


just curious about all this mind reading. You "know" that she "knows" that? How?


I guess all I can do now is stick with the plan

yes. At least stick with the plan for enough time before you can monitor to see if it works.

If it does not, then reassess. But give it a chance.

and think about when and how I will be setting those boundaries I've been thinking about so much lately.

um, really? You want to worry today, about boundaries you may never have the chance to set? I worry that the attitude it'll take to make those boundaries,

does not serve you well, now.

Why think about something so far off, when you have enough to deal with now?

I think you ought to just simply focus on doing your plan for 90 days

and THEN see what you want to do.

[Arsene]

Yeah 25, as usual everything you say sound right to me. It's just that the pain I'm going through right now is so raw that I don't know if i can manage for 90 days. OTOH, I suppose that it's normal from what I read that after a huge convo/contact like we had this weekend, the LBS (and perhaps the WAS too) goes on a massive downer.

I'll pick myself up somehow 25. I'm already feeling stronger. I spent the day working on a new business proposal that I had put on hold and it helped keep my mind off my sitch. I finished the proposal today and handed it in to the potential partner (a mate of mine who asked me if I could help him) and he seemed impressed. I think I have a shot at opening and managing a cafe with this mate/partner of mine. It would be good for my self-esteem for one and it would definitely keep me busy enough to hopefully stop worrying about my sitch.

On top of things, I've also redoubled efforts on my meditation and I've started working on my GAL goals list seriously. Now it's really just a matter of keeping this focus on and get through the tough moments in the day (still way too many of them).

Re: The excessive mind reading, I know what you mean. It's probably a result of finding out my W actually is in love with OM and the many sleepless nights since that discovery. I thought I would be able to handle it on the night but since then it's been haunting me and I can't seem to be able to shake it. Nonetheless, today's been a bit better so there is hope.

Re: the boundaries, I guess I feel like it's something I should be doing but I would rather give it more time as well. You are right, I won't worry about it til I get there.

Thanks for your input 25.

[Arsene]

Arsene, I am so sorry about your pain right now. But you seem to working through it amazingly well. I believe in you and know you are going to be more than alright.

Thanks for your faith in me when I had next to none left. It REALLY helped busting. Cheers!

[AnotherStander]

OTOH, That fact that she says she's in love with OM. That she is happy now and wants to continue this way for now. That she asks me to let her go and move on to make this easier for her. That she disagrees with me standing for our marriage. That she'd actually been lying for the 2 years I thought we were trying to work things out, by still being in touch with OM. All of this makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing by even standing.

Hey Arsene, so sorry to hear you're going through this pain right now!! But please keep in mind that the above is what she felt THAT DAY. I hope Mandy doesn't mind this, but I think it would help you to read the first post in her thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2286520&page=1

I think what's pertinent to your sitch is the fact that her husband kept standing and she kept telling him she was done, that he needed to move on and quit standing because there was no chance for R. But then practically overnight she emerged from the fog and wanted to R, but unfortunately she discovered her H had listened to her and DID move on by then. So now she's trying to DB him back, she was the WAS and is now the LBS.

So do take your W's comments with a grain of salt. She may truly have felt that way that day, but she could very well do a 180 at any time.

[ForeverYoung]

The fact that you are still posting in other peoples threads and helping them with their issues is very encouraging Arsene. You obviously have more strength than you know. Keep growing my friend.

[Arsene]

Thanks AS,

It has helped me see things in a very different way. I just hope that it doesn't take this type of situation for my W to turn around. But you are right. I can still see a lot of caring in W and I definitely think she is confused on many things. It does feel like she would like me to move on so that it would be easier for her. She wouldn't have to make a decision if I made it before her. And lately,she has been uncertain about many things and many decisions she's made. I'll just give her the time she needs and stick around for a while longer. After all, what else am I going to do?

Thanks FY. I do go around other people's sitches but I don't really feel like I have anything good to say when my own life is in such a mess. Nonetheless, it does hlep me as well to do it.

Thanks for being here with your kind words and your support.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Arsene, you have PLENTY of good things to say, no matter WHAT your sitch looks like.

It's like this: You're 100% personally invested in YOUR sitch... It's sometimes (oftentimes for me!) hard to see the forest from the trees.

But when you pop over into another thread, you're able to take an objective view (or as objective as you can take only knowing a single side to all these stories) and throw down some good advice.

I find that the advice I GIVE is just as helpful to me as the advice I GET sometimes... I realize "If I'm telling someone to do XYZ in THEIR sitch, why aren't I doing that in MY sitch?"

Therapeutic for sure. Plus, it's ALWAYS nice to hear from someone on your thread. I enjoy every time you pop over to mine!

It's nice to pop your head out of the foxhole for some air once in a while! You know you're always welcome back in here with the rest of us!

[roughenough]

That’s right Arsene, I enjoy getting your posts, I really appreciate them. I know you’re in pain buddy, it just [censored]. As 25 said, it’s something we have to deal with but it DOES get better with time. We’re not on some dinky roller coaster, this one’s of cosmic proportions! Take care buddy.

[tori2012]

Agree with all the comments about your posts, Arsene. You've helped me a lot too. And it's true, it does get better with time. At times I thought I wouldn't be able to survive the pain, but I did. And now, even though there's nearly no hope for my M, I feel at peace bc I was patient and did everything I could to turn things around.

As long as you feel that there is hope, then there is hope. So hang in there. And remember, when someone is "in love" with an OP, they're just blinded by their confusion. It's not real love. My H wrote this super long love letter to the OW, drew a picture (which he never did for me bc he is not artsy at all) and said he loved her and blah blah, and two months later he didn't want to have anything to do with her. He said he had absolutely no feelings for her, and I know he was telling the truth. So there. I hope this helps!
Tori

[2chiquitos]

Hi Arsene,
Todays topic in Al Anon was acceptance. **sigh**

I shared something I think would help.
I recently started gardening, well more like pulling the weeds cuz I don't plant anything! lol! My father told me to use the back of the hammer to pull them out quicker. I did and they quickly grew back. I learned from my mom to water before weeding. This way you pull them out from the roots.

I later learned that the slower you pull them out the better you'll get at pulling out the entire root.

I apply this to my sitch. I've been trying to detach quickly to escape from the pain. Instead I unmasked the anger and GOD was it painful! Slowly I worked at detaching.

I am not 100% but I feel so much more serenity now than ever before.

Every day is better