I'm so sorry you're going through this whole thing again. I'm in this the first time and I just start to realize how hard this is!! I hope this time you can DB again though!!
When she came home last night, she slept on the couch.
I made the coffee this morning, which is something she normally does. She said thank you and I cheerfully responded, "you're welcome" with a smile. She said I've been acting very weird and she doesn't understand why. She said she'd understand if I was hurtful, angry, or sad. But she said my cheerfulness confuses her.
We had small talk on the drive to work. I maintained my composure until I dropped her off. Then I got angry. Very very angry at the situation, the uncertainty, and the position it will put our son in.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
She said she'd understand if I was hurtful, angry, or sad. But she said my cheerfulness confuses her.
We had small talk on the drive to work. I maintained my composure until I dropped her off. Then I got angry. Very very angry at the situation, the uncertainty, and the position it will put our son in.
That's actually the way to do it. Show her nothing but a positive, content, cheerful you. Act "as if" everything is fine even if it isn't. But when she's not around that's your time to be angry, sad, depressed, etc. There were times that I was crying literally 15 minutes before seeing my W but dried my eyes, puffed my chest out and showed her nothing but happiness and strength by the time she showed up. But when you work on yourself and your PMA eventually you ARE content and you don't have to act "as if" anymore. And that's what DB'ing does for us, it focuses on reconciliation, but it gets us to that point where we realize we will be fine with or without our spouse.
She said she'd understand if I was hurtful, angry, or sad. But she said my cheerfulness confuses her.
We had small talk on the drive to work. I maintained my composure until I dropped her off. Then I got angry. Very very angry at the situation, the uncertainty, and the position it will put our son in.
That's actually the way to do it. Show her nothing but a positive, content, cheerful you. Act "as if" everything is fine even if it isn't. But when she's not around that's your time to be angry, sad, depressed, etc. There were times that I was crying literally 15 minutes before seeing my W but dried my eyes, puffed my chest out and showed her nothing but happiness and strength by the time she showed up. But when you work on yourself and your PMA eventually you ARE content and you don't have to act "as if" anymore. And that's what DB'ing does for us, it focuses on reconciliation, but it gets us to that point where we realize we will be fine with or without our spouse.
Thanks for the reinforcement.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Here's the question of the day... At least once per day she asks a variation of, "How are you doing today?" "How are you?" etc. These aren't generic small talk questions; she's doing a temperature check.
What's the best way(s) to respond while maintaining my AS-IF mentality? I don't want to give her the brush-off, but I don't want to seem down either. Thoughts?
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Here's the question of the day... At least once per day she asks a variation of, "How are you doing today?" "How are you?" etc. These aren't generic small talk questions; she's doing a temperature check.
What's the best way(s) to respond while maintaining my AS-IF mentality? I don't want to give her the brush-off, but I don't want to seem down either. Thoughts?
That's actually good, she's initiating communication with you. This would be a great opportunity to touch on things that happened to you that day and then ask her how her day went. Even though she may be expecting a "good, bad, happy, sad" answer from you, don't go there. Just use it to create expanded dialog. Say things like "it was a great day, I've been working on a project and finally got it finished, so that was a relief. How did things go for you?" The goal is to try and get her to feel comfortable talking to you. When she talks, listen intently. Don't be distracted. Make eye contact. Lean forward. Nod. Ask a question here and there. Validate any emotions she talks about, "wow, that sounds frustrating. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that." Make it about her as much as you can.
Here's the question of the day... At least once per day she asks a variation of, "How are you doing today?" "How are you?" etc. These aren't generic small talk questions; she's doing a temperature check.
What's the best way(s) to respond while maintaining my AS-IF mentality? I don't want to give her the brush-off, but I don't want to seem down either. Thoughts?
That's actually good, she's initiating communication with you. This would be a great opportunity to touch on things that happened to you that day and then ask her how her day went. Even though she may be expecting a "good, bad, happy, sad" answer from you, don't go there. Just use it to create expanded dialog. Say things like "it was a great day, I've been working on a project and finally got it finished, so that was a relief. How did things go for you?" The goal is to try and get her to feel comfortable talking to you. When she talks, listen intently. Don't be distracted. Make eye contact. Lean forward. Nod. Ask a question here and there. Validate any emotions she talks about, "wow, that sounds frustrating. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that." Make it about her as much as you can.
We've had plenty of small talk while carpooling to work the last couple days... so the dialogue is still open. There hasn't been any anger from either of us since she dropped the bomb two days ago.
Unfortunately these questions typically come via email, where I feel it's much harder to validate.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I passed her on my way out the door for a meeting after work. I had stopped and grabbed a drivethrough dinner for myself because I knew I'd be in a rush. I also grabbed dinner for her and our son. I let her know it was in the microwave. She seemed very slIghtly surprised.
When I returned from my meeting she was sleeping on the couch. She briefly woke to ask how the meeting was. I briefly and cheerfully answered and said goodnight as I headed to the the bedroom.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
[quote=someguy1233]Here's the question . When she talks, listen intently. Don't be distracted. Make eye contact. Lean forward. Nod. Ask a question here and there. Validate any emotions she talks about, "wow, that sounds frustrating. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that." Make it about her as much as you can.
