Was this them the whole time ??? My 2nd thread

[TSquared2]

I know we have all heard this from people -- " you had to know this was the way they were for so long you just didn't want to see it "

I am having a hard time believing that love can be that blind for 15 years in my case.

Well, maybe not quite that much...my experience has been:

-Yes, some of this was there the whole time, just not as pronounced, or in very minute quantities so it flew under the radar or was tolerable (or maybe even "cute" or "interesting")...but in mlc it gets turned up to "11" (Spinal Tap movie reference). In my case, I know now, looking back, that W had histrionic/borderline personality disorder traits and other "stuff"...but they were low key...but in mlc they emerged 150% as they need to come to terms with their "stuff".

-Other things are unresolved, repressed stuff from childhood, adolescence, that we never saw, until now, when they are insisting on being processed and resolved.



I'd like to share something from my sitch that may be useful to you (or not...)

My W blamed me for everything, projected all her anger, fear, etc onto me when she took the big dive done the tunnel...and the OM's were probably helping her accomplish this and re-inforcing...as they do....

So I had months of angry venomous alien spew from W. I made it a point to ask (non-judgmentally and VERY even keel, neutral) "I'm sorry your are angry, did I do or say something that made you angry?", each "spew session". At first, I got what I did (whether I really did it or not varied). If it was something I did, I apologize and say that I wish I had done it differently, etc (I learned that here in the forums). Then it started being "No" more often than not, after enough of MY changes were consistent and enough TIME had passed to show that they were real, not a tactic.

Then one day, after pausing the spew to read an IM from an OM, I asked that, and she spat "No! I haven't been angry with you in a while!" Then she looked at me, looked back to the IM, then back at me with a "look" on her face that showed "something" was realized...maybe I wasn't the sole reason for her unhappiness...that maybe, just maybe, it was elsewhere....

Thus started the SLOW turning within her to look within.

I have pretty much removed myself from being the root of all evil...I'm just a wee bit of the evil now...

That was my intermediate goal, to not be the "cause" 100% anymore in her mind, allowing her to look within. And yes, I still make mistakes, still slip and slide sometimes, I am not perfect by any stretch, but hey, it's my journey too! And I can sleep well knowing I gave it everything, should things not turn out...

Hope that helps some, and that I was sort of clear...

T^2