I know it shouldn't be about him...i really do....i guess i am feeling weary a bit. Is he trying to outwit me until I break? Maybe.
I just don't feel like speaking with him at the moment. My coach said i should try and be pleasant, i am, and when the chance to perhaps say something to him non kid related.
I felt able to to this for a few weeks, not a lot but a few times, and it was pleasant, it was genuine...... and lately...i just can't get myself to do it. It makes me feel vulnerable and almost...foolish. like 'what the heck am i doing when i know he does not care about me anymore?!?!'
And i KNOW i should not think about it from that point of view. I know its about me and how i hold myself and being the genuine me regardless of him. But right now, the genuine me really feels like being dark. And then...being dark gets me panicky again...what is going on with me??
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I think i am detaching ok. But sometimes i wonder if i am detaching or feeling more like why am i doing this? And then i go through the board and read the threads and ill read something that reminds me about love, and commitment to my family and conviction in my M. And i do believe that and feel it.
I guess i am tired. Maybe i am just a little emotionally, mentally tired right now.
I agree about acting in a way that is right for me and the kids. This actually gives me a sense of peace from within. I know i am n to doing anything that makes me feel stressful or questionable about my decisions. I am happy with that.
Maybe it will just be me and the kids from now on. Who knows. i know i will be fine.
Love you KG (((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Maybe i should not be feeling so dark....maybe i should be grateful that things are so still and i have this time to work on myself.
I need to stop worrying about him and the wondering of when he is going to drop the other shoe (again). Because when it happens i will need to be ready no matter what.
I am trying. Really trying. but these past several days...i don't know...maybe its just a wave that was a little bigger than others.
How are you sweet NG? (((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
You can do everything 100% perfectly correct; and he might not come back.
However, doing all these things, having a better understanding of relationships, growing, realizing you want (not need) someone in your life; sharing that life not being co-dependant...
It might not be your husband, but you have raised the bar on who you let into your life. It very well could be your husband.
If it is your husband, it is tough on a whole different level. : ) It's not milk and honey. That is when trust issues get to be dealt with, because he actually did hurt or break your trust.
Ultimately Busting?
I want you to be happy, unlike the people who tell you to move on? I want you to give it your best shot first; then give it your next best shot and then your third. If you decide not to be married, I want you to never regret that choice.
If you get divorced and he comes back in 5 years and says he made a mistake, I want you to say, "Yes you did." and still be happy with the life you have...without him, if it comes down to that.
You also made a vow, so do your best to live up to that vow, for you and your kids...and; guess what? Him.
A question I asked myself in the middle of all of this:
"Would she give up on me?"
It kept me going.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
j3b...you got me sitting here at my kitchen table, blubbering like a fool....
i wish i had better words to try and say this....the support and encouragement and BELIEF in me that you give me....i cannot express how truly and deeply grateful i am...how blessed i feel that you are in my life.
:-)
I want you to be happy, unlike the people who tell you to move on? I want you to give it your best shot first; then give it your next best shot and then your third. If you decide not to be married, I want you to never regret that choice.
this is what got me blubbering. thank you. you help encourage me to keep going for what I believe in and not let the passing emotions determine my path.
It might not be your husband, but you have raised the bar on who you let into your life. It very well could be your husband. If it is your husband, it is tough on a whole different level. : ) It's not milk and honey. That is when trust issues get to be dealt with, because he actually did hurt or break your trust.
i guess either way, the bar has been raised. Hadn't thought about that before in that way. For the past several days (or maybe even weeks now) i can see how if we get to appoint where real trust is addressed again, it will be tough...for both of us actually. i guess its the commitment that would pull a couple through that...
You also made a vow, so do your best to live up to that vow, for you and your kids...and; guess what? Him.
yes i see that...especially the him part, no matter how weird that sounds given the sitch. i understand what you mean. when i think about it, right now, the vows are what i am committed to. The M is in shambles, but the vows are clear. And i believe in them.
A question I asked myself in the middle of all of this:
"Would she give up on me?"
It kept me going.
Well.....when i first read this i thought 'he did give up on me!' but....its not the same is it? if he had seen me as in need, lost, confused, needing my own journey as i see him right now...if he was where i have gotten to right now, and i was where he was right now? i would like to think he wouldn't have given up on me. its because of where i am that i am not ready to give up on him.
j3b, one day, i would love to buy you a drink...heck, i would buy you a bar and name it after you if i could!
The doldrums of DBing...
and this...as soon as i read it, i realized that indeed i am in a process. :-)
Thank you j3b ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( j3b ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Trust the process! I love it Cadet! Thank you. Thank you.
i don't know if you get this often but here it goes... ((((Cadet))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
p.s. j3b...your post was another i am saving to my personal files....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
