I want to go camping.

[jks]

I'm loving your thread. So many great things to think about. I think that comment you received is probably one of the nicest things a person can say to another person. Especially if they're only an acquaintance. It shows how much positive energy you're radiating onto others.

I'm realizing now that I really need to continue to keep posting here because it does take a "village" to heal. And so many of you have been along with me on this crazy ride for a long time. And you continue to inspire me and help me lighten my load at times that it really is too heavy to bear.

I want you to know, bug, that I have always appreciated your straightforward approach with me. Your words have snapped me out of a lot of pity parties and helped me turn my focus back on the things that I can control. You're an amazing woman and have helped so many people along the way.

I can very much relate to the issues of not being able to have conversations with your H. I feel that I still have a long ways to go in having the conversations without letting my emotions take over. And H still has a long ways to go in being more open and communicating his thoughts. He will forever dodge what ever it is that makes him feel uncomfortable. And sadly some of that seems to now be rubbing off on me.

Congratulations on making such wonderful changes and doing it the right way... from within.

[labug]

Thanks, jks and don't think getting to this place was easy for me. I've done a lot of difficult things in my life, from making end-of-life decisions with dying parents to diagnosis of a life-changing chronic illness in a child to being cheated by a crazy RE developer and this has been the most difficult.

But it's also taught me the most and has given me the opportunity to become who I want to be.

My H does the dodging thing too and the further I get on this journey, the less acceptable that is to me. You can't have a R with someone who is not fully present. You can try, and I tried for years, but unless both partners can be honest, open, active participants, it just won't work at least not to the satisfaction of both partners because just as they say we are controlling, their actions are also controlling.

You still have some rough times ahead but each one of those rough times you get through makes you stronger. When I'm in the midst of one, I even say that to myself, you are growing, you will feel so much stronger and clearer tomorrow (or the next day).

And it's always been true.

[needgrace]

I guess it takes a village to heal from grief.

Yes, it does. I am so thankful for this village.

And I was so appreciative to hear that my journey has been helpful. Right back at you, bug!

[keep_going]

labug,

I am so happy that you got such a compliment! Completely true and well-deserved. And the best part was your reaction, gracefully accepting it. : )

In the past people might have described me as hard-worker, smart, sarcastic (cringe), quick-to-anger, opinionated, nice but never as having a beautiful soul. And I believe there are people who's light shines from them.

Mostly darkness came from me because I thought I had to be tough, I had to hide that softer side, the side with the feelings, the side that got hurt. The vulnerable parts.

This ^^^^^, I cannot describe how timely it comes to my life. You have described me to a T!

I have told you this before - I admire you so much and identify with you so much. You give me hope that I too can change. I also see your beautiful soul and I know that I can too become a better person. I deserve it and my kids do as well.

Unfortunately I have not progressed as much with my changes as you have and I have struggled a lot lately. Thank you for always inspiring me and giving me so much to think about.

And yes, it takes a village! I am so fortunate to have all of you, my DB friends in my life. I know I would be in a much worse place if it wasn't for all of you.

(((((bug)))))

[labug]

Ohhh kg, so sorry you're having a rough time, hope things even out soon.

When I'm in one of those places, I try to just reflect on how far I've come and remember that I'm becoming the woman I want to be. I will be that person with the beautiful soul shining with or without H, with or without another R.

Keep your eye on kg. ((( )))

[labug]

Here's a rough edge I'm trying to smooth. I work on furniture as a hobby so believe me, I've sanded many rough edges and I love when I get to the #220 paper. So smooth.

H is going to fix an electrical problem here at the house and he said he would look at it this weekend or next. I told him that was fine as it's been a problem for a while and another couple of days or weeks wouldn't matter. This is a big 180 for me as in the past I wanted things done and I wanted them done NOW!

I'm working on just being with this uncertainty, it's a little one but we learn from all of it, don't we?

Of course I expected him to be here yesterday! Not reality based, but you know that back of the mind thought and then the expectations/judgments that root in a mind left free to roam. I'm fighting the urge to send an email "so, can you just tell me when you're going to fix this?" It's not a huge urge but I recognize it's there and am vigilant about what's going on in my head, my motives, my expectations.

Then I read this:
The mind can be just as active and difficult to control as a puppy, yet we've never trained it to listen to us. Why haven't we done this? Our mind chases random thoughts, jumps to conclusions, and has a hard time staying focused. We have so little control of it, in fact, that sometimes we can't even turn it off at the end of the day. If it were a puppy, we would be very upset.

Obviously my puppy-mind needs more training.

[needgrace]

hi bug,

do you think that you might have been excited to see him and perhaps a bit disappointed that it was not yesterday? just wondering. (((((( )))))))

ps my puppy mind is out of control and i need the dog whisperer

[labug]

Sure, no doubt!

[needgrace]

hey bug, the reason i ask is that i know it helps me sometimes if i can identify the feeling..it gives it some space and helps me put it into perspective instead of responding to the uncomfortableness..

and i think you are doing great by not giving in to the uncomfortable feeling and emailing..

[bustingout]

labug, this is so true. oh i completely relate to the wanting it done NOW feeling and that gnawing feeling of wanting to lash out and say "hello!...is this happening or not' kind of response (sarcastic, passive aggressive...) . That was one of my first 180s with my sitch. to tame that beast.

Maybe wait until next weekend since he did say this weekend or next, and if he doesn't...then just quietly find some other way to get it done. no anger, no problem. I do have to say, when i have been able to control that part of my brain...i have found H comes through with what he says more often than when i used to go down the other path. Its not necessarily as fast as i would want it...but the end result is the same....