This forum is a safe place to vent, and to get 2x4's. I think Eric feels strongly about the subject and was just trying to help you out. None of us can know each other as well as we think, from writing here on a computer.
I personally can only read so much of these threads, because it is so darm much misery we are all going through. Maybe Eric has read so many and lived through it himself, so he can see what he thinks you can't see.
It sounds like you have a solid plan.
More prep now for the future unknown is better. Keep coming here to write. My biggest moments of clarity on my whole situation have been while writing about what the heck is happening. I have had some amazing epifanies at my keyboard!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Knowing Eric the way I do I would say that it was made with the best of intentions.
This stuff is really hard. And the people here are trying to get you to look at this in lots of different ways.
Looking in the mirror is not always pleasant or easy to do. Most people take the path of least resistance. That might be the wrong way. Sometimes doing the hard things are what give you the best results.
Sometimes accepting that all is not the way it seems to be is not so easy. I would suggest putting it aside for the moment and coming back later and revisting what he said.
There may be more truth than you think.
And there may be less than you think.
Good intentions aside, I am new to this forum and hardly think I have enough postings for anyone here to presume they know what I am feeling. After dealing with you and Eric I doubt I ever will.
And I do understand the GAL and the 180 and not "dwelling" on the spouse. And giving Eric the benefit of the doubt I can see where he might have been volunteering to fill an accountability role for me. HOWEVER, his approach, and your defense of his approach, leave me cold to say the very least.
Furthermore, I am insulted if either of you think living this life for the next two years is the "easy" way out.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
This is a horrible horrible thing WE are going through -- I don't want you not to come here - you will learn so much ABOUT you that you don't even realize. Don't let other people opinions make you not stay here -- that's what a forum is about - different opinions.
The pain, the gut wrenching, the worry, the sadness and the anger are unbearable - but each day gets a little easier -- and then as we grow and change things get hard for a while again.
>>>>>>Furthermore, I am insulted if either of you think living this life for the next two years is the "easy" way out.<<<<<
None of this is easy - if we decide to STAND it's not easy and if we decide to LEAVE it's not easy. You have to do what you think is right - doesn't matter what anyone here posts - you are the one who has to live your life for you - either way you will find support here. I am in a similar situation - though I only have one child and only together 15 years.
Unfortunately the more we want and need someone the less they want us -- the only that helps me is becoming the best I can be doing well in other areas of my life that I have control of my health, my relationship with God, my son, my hobbies etc.
Not being able to get what I want from my wife and dwelling on it cripples me - she is a free person - she always was she just chose to be my friend lover and companion - if she doesn't want that anymore I can't help that.
I will always support you Mrsrjd no matter what you decide or no matter how much you need to go through - please hang around !!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have read some of your postings and admire your resilience.
I don't doubt there is much that I don't see in my sitch, and probably much that I don't want to see as well.
My issue with today's exchanges involve the fact that I do not have extensive postings and judging the nature of my particular iceberg by the "tip" I reveal here is insulting. It would have been helpful if Eric's first contact had perhaps questioned, asked for clarification etc.
I will continue to stalk the posts and journal on my own. Best of luck to you, hope your days get easier and sunnier.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Once again, I am truly sorry for how my post has made you feel. I will not post on your thread anymore. I hope and pray that you continue to get the support you need on these boards. For me they were a life saver and I apologize again if my actions have made you feel cold here.
I wish you all the best in your sitch and in your life.
I hope and pray that you can forgive me at some point.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
MRSRJD I hope you keep coming back here it was a life saver for me...I have been doing this for over 5 yrs. we get alot of 2x4's not to break us anymore than we are already but to give us the strength that is inside us that we never knew we had.
Eric is a very honest person on here so is 25yrs....and they will not sugar coat anything,they tell it like it is. Sometimes we need that in here to be able to handle this MLC journey we have been put on..... I hope and pray you continue to come here and not take things so personal they are only trying to help....this journey is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with but the people in here only want you to come out a better person for you.... There will be days when you just want to end it all as I did but my strength from not doing that was coming and getting 2x4's that hurt sometimes but in the end they were all worth it.... I pray you will first of all and foremost ask the Lord for his help only he can give you the peace that only he can give.... Blessings to you and your family...Irma
I journal a lot the good old-fashioned way, I have filled several notebooks this past two years. Sometimes I go back and read them and crack myself up..... My DIL has been tasked with gathering them all up and torching them when I croak.
I recently read something about the emotional pain of a break-up being the same as actual physical pain. I absolutely believe that. In fact somehow it makes me feel better about feeling so darn bad.
Anyway, your feelings are your feelings.
And there is no doubt in my mind that no matter what you do there is no "Easy Way" to get through the next two years for you. And without a doubt I don't know where I would have been without this forum to vent on.
Thanks for your wish that my days get easier and sunnier. They actually have been, although sometimes the progress can only be measured in millimeters! I also hope your days get easier and sunnier!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
My issue with today's exchanges involve the fact that I do not have extensive postings and judging the nature of my particular iceberg by the "tip" I reveal here is insulting. It would have been helpful if Eric's first contact had perhaps questioned, asked for clarification etc.
This is a good point. I would guess that most of us judge newbies by the fact that we were once one. And that after reading so many different stories of LBS's that we all seem to fit into a fairly specific mode.
The iceberg reminds me of a counselor named AL TURTLE who had a story about a lady and a bee
Quote:
One morning in the summer, we were giving a breakfast party to some guests on our back porch. A woman was sitting, after eating, holding a cup of coffee in her hand. Suddenly she leaped up, screamed, and ran across the porch. She stood shaking. I asked her, Wow, what happened? She replied, Didn t you see that bee? Now, I had seen a yellow jacket on the arm of her chair. I had seen it for some minutes, but until now I had not known that it was involved in her behavior. (This was an example of part of her logic that was above the water line.) I then asked her gently again, So what does a bee have to do with it? deathly allergic to bee stings! I felt a dawning sense of Oh, I see. She replied, I am This information was not above the water line. It was part of her story, but I could not see it unless she shared it. She then went on to tell me more about her reactions to bee stings. Finally she said, When I get a bee sting, my throat closes and I cannot breathe. If I do not get medical care in a couple of minutes, I may die. Thus, I always carry an Anaphylactic Kit with me to give myself a shot of epinephrine. I left it at home this morning! awareness and said, Ah, I see. At this point, I had a rushing sense of I understood her behavior. I could see its sense, her congruity. She went further. The first time I was stung, I lived in the town of Winnatchee, Washington. I don t recall the sting. What I recall was the room blurring and becoming all white, my mother running back and forth in front of me, and my dad hitting my chest. The next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed looking out a window at a city bigger and taller than I had ever seen in my life. She told me that her dad had been trying to help her breathe by hitting her chest. They got her to a local hospital, but fearing that she had brain damage from lack of breathing, they flew her in a small plane to a childrens hospital in Seattle and she didn't see anyone she knew for seven days. Her parents could not afford the drive and stay in the city until they picked her up. And she had not brain damage!
Sandra, my wife, seems brilliant me in Validating people without using words. She was on the backporch when that woman fled the bee. This is what Sandra did to Validate her. When the woman lept up and ran across the back porch, Sandra moved over close to her. When the woman said she was deadly allergic to bees, (1st Validation) Sandra took her hand, led her into the house, and loudly closed the screen door. When the woman said she had left her life saving kit at home, (2nd Validation) Sandra went over to her desk, opened a drawer, took out an Anaphylactic Kit, put it in the woman s hand and closed the woman s fingers over the kit. When the woman spoke of her 5 year- old experience in Winnatche, (3rd Validation) Sandra said, I my gosh! and that was all.
Now he has a lot more to say about icebergs and some of the material we talk about here, but this story always stuck with me.
I guess I am the opposite of you, there are thousands of posts on the internet that you can judge me by and ERIC too.
You have an iceberg up ahead and there is NO EASY way around it.
While I understand that you probably aren't posting anymore, I hope you are still reading...
I wanted to post to you when I read your opening post.
I was, unfortunately, in the midst of dealing with the death of one of my parents.
You probably haven't read my story here, I haven't posted in quite a long time, although I do still continue to read, however, some things in your story resonated with me and made me want to post to you.
In your first post, you asked how to live together separately...
I did that for a very long time. For two years, it was not of my choice. I wanted reconciliation very much at that point in time. Then for two years, it was my choice as well as X's, to maintain the home for our son. It wasn't easy or fun. Quite often, I had a lot of anger at him and he at me. The first two years, we spoke sporadically. Occasionally, he would show an interest or even act "normal" as if things were ok. Those times caused me to get my hopes up, just to have them shot back down. Eventually, as we each developed our own lives, it became much easier.
It isn't something that I would advocate for most people, because it isn't easy, on either of you (although you may think or your H may try to make you think that he is fine).
There are threads in the MLC archives from myself and other posters (there were several of us at the time) who had live in MLCers. Just click on my name and view my posts. My first post in 2009 is to one of those other posters. The threads may give you some insight as to how we dealt with it.
There is no one right way to deal with it in order to maintain your sanity. There are some good ideas though...
It will make it harder for you to define your goals. It is harder to detach. It is harder to decide if you want to stand or not, although at this point, you coming here, indicates to me that you do want to stand. That you want to try to save your M.
That being the case, I will agree with both Jack and Cadet...
MLC, is tough. It will probably be the toughest thing you will experience.
There will come a point in time that you have to look more at you than at your H. There will come a point where you should ask yourself the hard questions and decide what it is that you want to change or not change about your life.
Right now, at the very beginning, I am going to tell you something very different than what Eric told you, because Eric put the cart before the horse.
Learn about MLC. Learn about this monster than you believe you are dealing with. (Only you can make the decision if you believe it is MLC or not). Learn about what sorts of things you can expect to see and hear from your H. Take time for yourself, ask questions, find posters whose situations you can relate with and see how they are dealing with it.
For me, that was my first real step in being able to deal with my situation. I had to understand it so that I could make what I felt were informed decisions.
After that time, then you can begin to look at the stuff within yourself and see what you may or may not want to change.
The truth is, MLC isn't our fault. It isn't our creation. However, none of us is the 100 percent perfect partner. We can all do better in our relationships with others and with ourself.
That was where Eric was trying to get you to, probably a little bit too early.
Eric,
Remember where you came from. Remember what it felt like at the beginning of your sitch. Don't ever forget that when you post to someone. Timing is often everything...
Cadet,
I see you are still trying to fix things huh?
Yup, I'm still here.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you for your post. Very sorry you are dealing with the loss of a parent, I have lost both of mine and know its a difficult time.
I did some quick scanning and it does seem there are some similarities between our sitchs.
I haven't decided WHAT I want yet; was attempting to use this forum to sort that out.
To all those who protest my decision to not post again... well I don't know what to say. I apologize for the upset, and I do thank you all for your concern and interest.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
