you're totally and solely "waiting to see what happens" which means'
it's all about HER REACTION.
You'll know you've begun to detach when she does not enter the equation.
Right now, she IS the equation. This will not yield you the results you want b/c it's manipulative and she'll know it.
Here's a short post on Detachment but there are MANY more on this site if you look around.
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
We are supposed to 180 our behavior on our WAS’s complaints. Ive taken notes on my wife's complaints, and have been working on correcting my behavior to eliminate them since BD day in March. Not wearing the ring was one of my wife’s complaints. I found out quickly it was a mistake to try wearing it the day after BD, but now it’s been almost 7 months. I’ve been working on myself and we are in a better place, or at least farther along in the process. The “wait to see what happens” DOES absolutely mean monitor HER REACTION, because how else can I tell if something draws us closer, or pulls us apart?
Another complaint was that I didn’t take the lead. Waiting for her (for years?) to ok me wearing a ring means more of the same: me not taking the lead.
Again, let me mention… It’s been almost 7 months since the meltdown when I tried to wear it. This test isn’t going to make or break the marriage no matter what happens. I will keep you posted. I hope I don't have to say you told me so! haha
Thanks for the comments on detachment Cadet and 25. I feel detached enough for myself, obviously you both think otherwise. Something for me to think about.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Don't be too hard on yourself mate. It's amazing what we take for granted when all is "well". The thing is, though, we're not the only "baddies" here. Sure we didn't know how to love them the way they needed it but I'm pretty sure the same goes both ways. You didn't know her love language and she probably didn't know yours.
Whenever I look back I see things in our lives together which could have been done differently, from both ends. I don't think that changing anyone of them would have made much of a difference in what has happened. The only thing we can do now is make sure it doesn't happen again. Make sure we don't become complacent again and stop appreciating whet we've got. And frankly, that should start now even if we feel destitute. Mate, I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching. I think I'm actually trying to uplift my own spirit here.
Good point Arsene. As unhappy as they say they were, if we look close enough we can see that we probably weren't as happy as we could have been either. All the more reason to make life changes for ourselves.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Just curious, why didn't you want to wear your new wedding ring/gift, AND why did you tell her that?
I'm not trying to bash you here, I promise. But as you can see (now) that was pretty clueless. I know you "get it" now.
But that begs the question. What was your reasoning at the time? Even if you didn't think a ring was a worthy expenditure, (b/c maybe you are super practical and or broke) but why tell HER that she could take her gift back and return it? Why not just wear it to please her, and leave it at that?
Are you sure you were not angry about something? I'm not saying for sure you were angry or that you are in "denial", but it's a pretty huge signal to miss.
So Just Give it some thought.
If it turns out you just blew it big time and or you have zero antennae for the "SOS" or red flares your w launched into the universe,
then give some thought to
other signals she might have sent in the past OR is sending now
that you might also be missing.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Don't be too hard on yourself mate. It's amazing what we take for granted when all is "well". The thing is, though, we're not the only "baddies" here. Sure we didn't know how to love them the way they needed it but I'm pretty sure the same goes both ways. You didn't know her love language and she probably didn't know yours.
not sure how useful this^^^ "tit for tat" is since it sure sounds like keeping a scorecard. And you know how useful those are...(NOT) What's the point of keeping score here, about the past, while trying to solve today's problems? To ease guilt? Forget that. You don't ease guilt by slinging it onto someone else. Learn to forgive, your spouse and yourself. Model that for your spouse and kids.
Besides, even when the WAS did in fact know our LL, often we took it for granted OR we ignored their love language of giving (= how they GIVE love is also a love language, not just how they/we receive it.)
When we gloss over their acts of service or gifts or physical touch OR whatever it is they give us, in their love language,
we deny their love language. OR we turn from it.
At the workshop "Essential Experience", I heard a physician declare that he FINALLY realized how loving his wife had been, and how he'd mistreated her, for years--He said:
"I turned away from love being given to me, b/c it was not wrapped the way I wanted it wrapped. That's so fu$%#^g stupid and tragic!"
Whenever I look back I see things in our lives together which could have been done differently, from both ends. I don't think that changing anyone of them would have made much of a difference in what has happened. The only thing we can do now is make sure it doesn't happen again. Make sure we don't become complacent again and stop appreciating whet we've got. Agreed. But not sure how chiming in about the spouses flaws, so we don't "Lose" on our measuring chart, helps achieve that appreciation OR goal of making sure it doesn't happen again. After all, if we are measuring, we're spending energy on THEM that we could spend on OURSELVES..
Good point Arsene. As unhappy as they say they were, if we look close enough we can see that we probably weren't as happy as we could have been either. All the more reason to make life changes for ourselves.
Yes it is ALL the more reason to make life changes for you. But don't go revising the marital history now - either way.
When SOME LBSers get the bomb, they decide that the "marriage was great, even PERFECT...UNTIL the evil OP came in... and THEN everything died..."
They quickly stop looking at what THEY can do to work on themselves, b/c it's far easier to blame the OP and call the WAS a "cheater".
Other times the LBSer decides to revise the other way, "Now that I see it more clearly, it's not that I could have been more attentive, it's that I was the unhappy one! Naturally I could not be loving and kind enough b/c I was NEVER treated right and NOW I realize I've been miserable ALL these years and blah blah blah..."
it's all hogwash and at some level, the WAS may realize it.
Probably neither view is fair. What matters is us doing OUR work. Period.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My wife just asked me if I had plans for Friday night, (my birthday) and said if not we could go out to dinner. I told her I did have some tentative plans with a friend (true) so I I'd let her know tomorrow. Going out with her would be more productive for rebuilding our marriage than going out with friends.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My wife just asked me if I had plans for Friday night, (my birthday) and said if not we could go out to dinner. I told her I did have some tentative plans with a friend (true) so I I'd let her know tomorrow. Going out with her would be more productive for rebuilding our marriage than going out with friends.
NOT if all you will do is R talk that sets you way back. I'd go out with friends and get your mind OFF the sitch and have FUN...OR if you MUST grab at each chance to be with her (which is not being mysterious but maybe you feel she's reaching out. As opposed to merely being polite-it matters. IF she's doing this out of obligation DO NOT GO and just show her you are fine on your own.
If she's reaching out you still should not go UNLESS
you make darn sure you can handle aiming for a relaxed "conflict free" NO R TALK evening, without any pressure of any sort.
IF you really can handle that AND be upbeat and fun to be around then MAYBE...but end the evening on a high fun note without ANY reference to doing it again or soon or how grateful you are.
if it goes well, say "I had fun so thanks a lot for that, and good night!"
NO expectations and no "let down" the next day b/c she didnt' fall into your arms the night before...
okay?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Point taken 25. Right or wrong, I was merely trying to say that it's not just one thing that caused any marriage to fall apart. It's usually a combination of things and that includes the two parties involved. I am definitely not advocating keeping score, just that no one person carries the full weight of what happened on their shoulders.
In my case, I initially took on all the blame for what happened and thought I'd been a horrible person all along. It's making it very difficult to start loving myself when I feel like a pile of &%$@. Difficult to get my self-esteem back. Yes, there are many things I did wrong and wish I had known I was doing them wrong. I can acknowledge that and face my responsibilities in this, and work on improving myself but there is no reason to beat myself up for things which might have been out of my control.
BTW, I guess i meant to say: "and start appreciating whet we've got." and not "and stop appreciating whet we've got."
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I suppose there may be some feeling of obligation on her part, but here’s the thing: We still live together and do things together. We actually go out to eat together every weekend. This Friday night birthday dinner would probably just be to a little fancier place than usual.
Avoiding R talks is our specialty. We often go weeks, even a month or more without any comments about it. I just tell her what’s going on in my life, and listen to her talk about hers. If we don’t maintain this connection, and build on it, how in the world would I expect a reconciliation to ever come about?
Maybe she just wants to do something nice for me? My friends also have Saturday night plans, so I can have fun with them then… I don’t need to hang out with ‘em both Friday and Saturday nights.
As for being mysterious here’s where we are: She always informs me of her solo plans ahead of time, both time and place, so I do the same. I see it as a courtesy to each other. We run the house together so it's helpful to know. If we will be late, we try to call. If I want to play the mystery card, then she will too. I see no advantage to doing this, and feel it would only be pulling us farther apart. I won’t be the one to initiate this tactic, and frankly, question how it's supposed to help us reconcile anyway.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
