Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
you're totally and solely "waiting to see what happens" which means'

it's all about HER REACTION.

You'll know you've begun to detach when she does not enter the equation.

Right now, she IS the equation. This will not yield you the results you want b/c it's manipulative and she'll know it.

Here's a short post on Detachment but there are MANY more on this site if you look around.

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.


We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


We are supposed to 180 our behavior on our WAS’s complaints. Ive taken notes on my wife's complaints, and have been working on correcting my behavior to eliminate them since BD day in March. Not wearing the ring was one of my wife’s complaints. I found out quickly it was a mistake to try wearing it the day after BD, but now it’s been almost 7 months. I’ve been working on myself and we are in a better place, or at least farther along in the process. The “wait to see what happens” DOES absolutely mean monitor HER REACTION, because how else can I tell if something draws us closer, or pulls us apart?

Another complaint was that I didn’t take the lead. Waiting for her (for years?) to ok me wearing a ring means more of the same: me not taking the lead.

Again, let me mention… It’s been almost 7 months since the meltdown when I tried to wear it. This test isn’t going to make or break the marriage no matter what happens. I will keep you posted. I hope I don't have to say you told me so! haha

Thanks for the comments on detachment Cadet and 25. I feel detached enough for myself, obviously you both think otherwise. Something for me to think about.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl