Thanks a lot and good to hear from you Acc. Wow, I am glad I am meeting with my IC tomorrow. I really appreciate all of your extra effort. I saw W briefly today for the kids exchange, it’s clear that everything I do is under a big microscope. I am really confused guys!!!! In life and in what your telling me. You mention that my marriage is at a boiling point but then I am getting signals from ya all that it sounds like my marriage might have a chance. This presure sure does suck!! I guess I somewhat understand because it does feel like we are at a "boiling point" in a way. I could just sense the tention when I picked up the kids today. More from W then me. I was a bit more jovial and upbeat then W.
Anyway, I am leaning towards emailing W tomorrow and suggesting Retrouvaille without a heavy pursuing theme. Below is the well written post from Denver. Do you mind taking another look before I send, I appreciate it.
One thing that I have been trying to learn during our time apart is how to communicate better. I realize that I haven't always been the best at it. And when you asked me the other night 'why now', the truth is that I wasn't sure how to communicate the answer to you. I was a bit afraid of how you would react to the answer. don't blame her for your fears. Just own them.
I am working on it. For myself. But it's difficult, because I'm also really trying to give you the space and time that you need to figure out what you want. I don't want to make you feel pressured to do something that you are not ready to do. So I'm a bit reluctant to just throw it out there like I am now.
I am trying to look at this time away from one another as a time for personal growth, maybe for both of us, but definitely for me. Maybe it will turn out to be a good thing. Maybe we end up divorced and we are both better people for what is happening now. Or, maybe we end up together, in a better, healthier M. I know that, right now, that is what I hope for. But I also know that I cannot control the outcome.
There is nothing that I would like more than to learn how we can be close again... be friends again. There is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and am wondering if you might be as well. I want one lastTHE opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship AND GET TOOLS FOR IMPROVING IT. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart? Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. ((((THIS^^^ IS ALL PRESSURE ABOUT THE FUTURE. ALL YOU WANT FROM THIS RETREAT ARE TOOLS FOR IMPROVING THE MARRIAGE...LEAVE IT AT THAT OR YOUR EXPECTATIONS WILL WRECK IT...and for that reason, Denver may be right. It's not your w that isn't ready for the retreat; it's you.
Also you're being too wordy, imo. Cut it down. Don't repeat yourself.
You are already placing so much weight on this ONE weekend that it's getting to be too much. BTW< the weekend is a jumpstart but you'll still have to attend their sessions that are about every 4-6 weeks and give you exercises and homework to work on (it's NOT drudgery btw, it's usually fun and always helpful even when difficult. Don't just go to the weekend and think all your problems are fixed. It'll wake up some feelings but it won't get you all the way where you want to go. More time and work, can).)))
If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too."
can you see where I inserted and where I suggest you delete?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
BTW, I am not sure if I should mention anything in the note to W about same rooms or not..maybe you can help to include that because W needs to know that we would stay at the b and b.
"...There is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and am wondering if you might be as well. I want one last opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart?It is set up where we'd be in the same room, but there would be two beds. Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too."
not to quibble (and Rough, now you have two lawyers arguing about your wording AND at no charge!...ENJOY )
but why must he add in the part about "last opportunity" NOW? Why make it all or nothing? That's such pressure.
Why can't going to Retrovaille just be about getting some communication tools and being better co-parents and seeing what gives, from there?
The single beds, to ME, lessened the "Honeymoon" fantasy that some couples fear when they are not ready. If she balks about the ONE room, tell her "hey, it's got single beds so no pressure from ME"...
it is so not the honeymoon suite. At ours, there wasn't even a TV and honestly, that was better. At first, I didn't think so but I changed my mind later.
We had some real work to do. They gave it to us, and without any distractions around you'd be amazed how much faster you cut to the chase.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ive lost control because I am waiting for her response but I dont mind going out on a limb.
whoops, I'm too late posting now. Accuray and Labug have good points and I too sense your hopes are already getting wacky. If and when you two get some counselling, you're going to have to set back and not shove your "new self" into her face. The other day you were so fixated on telling her what YOU want,
that you ignored her words to you and gave her the Yeah I understand (so now let me talk some more) type of "validation" when you could have simply waited to hear more.
Do more listening and waiting on her, then getting YOUR point across.
seriously, she's watching your actions so much more than she's hearing your words. And in truth, you are doing the same. No matter what she said, if she went up and kissed you passionately, you'd forget all the words she said.
Similarly, if you are BEHAVING like a calm confident loving man, who isn't rushing her with your needs, it'll matter a lot more than your paragraphs of "discussed changes".
make sense?
NOTE, No ONE talk or comment or gesture will RUIN IT ALL Rough.
And no ONE Day will fix it all.
As for losing control...if you mean over yourself or your life, take it back.
If you mean control over her, well, you never had control.
Learning to let go of what we cannot control is very freeing. It's a great DB lesson and I think it'll lengthen all our lives if we do it right.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey Rough, i don't come around for half a day and all he11 breaks loose? I hope things work out with retrouvaille. Like 25 says, I doubt any one thing will "ruin" your chances. 25's got a keen eye for finding problems/covert meaning and pressure in our words. She must have been some sort of contract lawyer at some point. I'm sure the our spouses see a lot more than we do but not everyone is as sharp as 25 so don't fret too much right now. It's sent and there is nothing else you can do about it.
Just sit back and relax and remember, no expectations.
You're in great hands with Denver, 25 and Acc
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Below is the email I sent W, no response yet. 25, I didn't know you practiced law as well? Very cool. Prosecutor , Defense? Thanks for your edits, they make sense but darn, I sent this out last night.
Hey W, there is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to in a couple weeks. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and I am wondering if you might be as well. I want one last opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart? Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too. See you tomorrow.
Hey Rough! I think you did a pretty good job on that email. Would I have made some edits? Probably a few, but there's no use in dwelling on that right now. I'll have to be more vigilant in keeping up with your sitch! Can't go more than a day or I'll miss these emails!
Although I'm not a lawyer, I AM a professional writer... So there's that
BTW, I am not sure if I should mention anything in the note to W about same rooms or not..maybe you can help to include that because W needs to know that we would stay at the b and b.
"...There is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and am wondering if you might be as well. I want one last opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart?It is set up where we'd be in the same room, but there would be two beds. Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too."
not to quibble (and Rough, now you have two lawyers arguing about your wording AND at no charge!...ENJOY )
but why must he add in the part about "last opportunity" NOW? Why make it all or nothing? That's such pressure.
Why can't going to Retrovaille just be about getting some communication tools and being better co-parents and seeing what gives, from there?
The single beds, to ME, lessened the "Honeymoon" fantasy that some couples fear when they are not ready. If she balks about the ONE room, tell her "hey, it's got single beds so no pressure from ME"...
it is so not the honeymoon suite. At ours, there wasn't even a TV and honestly, that was better. At first, I didn't think so but I changed my mind later.
We had some real work to do. They gave it to us, and without any distractions around you'd be amazed how much faster you cut to the chase.
No quibbling 25! I was just incorporating the language that the retrovaille representative suggested to him.
Hang in there Rough. Let's see how she responds and go from there. Nothing else you can control at the moment.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks for being there for me Denver, I am leaving to meet W at a parent teacher conference. She might bring it up then. Note to self. Tread carefully and be VERY wise with my words. Listen and make sure to validate.
You'll do great rough. You've made so much progress over the last couple DAYS alone! Good luck, Godspeed, and we look forward to hearing your next update!
You mention that my marriage is at a boiling point but then I am getting signals from ya all that it sounds like my marriage might have a chance. This presure sure does suck!! I guess I somewhat understand because it does feel like we are at a "boiling point" in a way. I could just sense the tention when I picked up the kids today. More from W then me. I was a bit more jovial and upbeat then W.
)
I hope things work out with retrouvaille. Like 25 says, I doubt any one thing will "ruin" your chances. 25's got a keen eye for finding problems/covert meaning and pressure in our words. She must have been some sort of contract lawyer at some point. I'm sure the our spouses see a lot more than we do but not everyone is as sharp as 25 so don't fret too much right now. It's sent and there is nothing else you can do about it.