I want to go camping.

[labug]

Yes, this issue goes both ways and individual conditioning and biology play a part. I was raised with lots of males, dad, uncles, cousins and was never supposed to "act like a girl" so I learned to not express that part of me. I also learned to throw a football, a fastball and to hit a curve.

But I sucked it up and held it in until I nearly exploded. I think that happens far to often, probably what's called around here MLC, cause you get to the point you just can't do it anymore.

I just want to be clear that learning to manage your emotions is a good thing, suppressing emotions in the hope of keeping a R going is a bad thing, to my mind.

Stepford Wives keeps coming to mind.

That's where I think obligation comes in, that if you can't manage your emotions to a "reasonable" level, or if you are sad or angry the majority of the time, you have to help yourself in the interest of helping your marriage. And this is what happened in my M. Those life crises happened one on top of the other and I was toast. I had no reserve to draw on and neither did he. I was getting help but it was late in the process, a lot of hurt had already happened and things like that don't turn around in a month or two. (let's all teach our children to seek care in a timely manner no matter what the issue, breast cancer, cervical cancer, prostate cancer, BP, skin cancer, diabetes, mental health check-up)

Over the last year or so, I've been trying to shape the new me, one I didn't know existed, emotions in my control, able to ask for what I need, able to have difficult conversations and be heard. This is in my life with friends, colleagues, my sons.

My H is not easily swayed and as I've said before is proud of being stubborn.

Has he realized the change in me? Probably.

Does he want to risk getting hurt again? No.

And I can't say that I blame him.

I'm in much the same boat because I don't see that his behaviors have changed in the last 12 months.

Avoids difficult conversations. I would say we're still married because he just can't have that conversation. He's "stubborn" so he'll wait forever for me to do it.

If I ask a question he doesn't want to answer, he just doesn't. That's a pattern that has existed from the beginning.

I've seen all this for the control issue it is and it doesn't feel good. Does he have qualities that are good? Yes, many and if he worked on the issues above along with the work I've done we could have a great marriage. Or the start of a great marriage.

But I can change only myself.

[labug]

I need to journal more. I've gotten out of the habit.

Thanks everyone for spurring me to think.

[labug]

I'm reading a new (to me) book, The Dance of Connection by the author of Dance of Anger. (thanks, Ad.)

I haven't read a R book for awhile because it just got to be too much, info overload. But I like this. It's helping me understand that I am where I am, and that's OK. I'm not a horrible human being because my marriage cracked.

It's also helping me with having my voice and the language of asking for what I need.

[needgrace]

That sounds good. I really like her writing style. I will have to pick that up sometime. Thanks for sharing, bug

[labug]

Soooo it's been a long time between updates.

Still married, still S, not in limbo for those of you keeping score.

Some thoughts:

Still working on me and improving.

Had a bit of a sobbing, angry meltdown last night. If there had been a File your Divorce Hotline, I would have been dialing it.

This was all related to my impatience and still some lack of detachment.

Thankfully, I have learned to sit through these episodes and not act based on emotion.

I have more to learn.

Need to remember HALT-hungry, angry, lonely, tired=bad for the soul

Came here looking for advice and found it.

As the Rolling Stones put it:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime, you just might find
You get what you need

you're totally and solely "waiting to see what happens" which means'

it's all about HER REACTION.

You'll know you've begun to detach when she does not enter the equation.

Right now, she IS the equation. This will not yield you the results you want b/c it's manipulative and she'll know it.

Here's a short post on Detachment but there are MANY more on this site if you look around.

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[labug]

Just read that^^^quote again, it is so good!

A casual acquaintance came up to me on Monday and said "I need to tell you that your beautiful soul shines out of you." I was flabbergasted as no one has ever said that to me. And it's certainly not how I would describe myself. I stumbled and hem-hawed and was heading to my "Oh you must be kidding" deprecating response.

But instead I said: "Thanks, I'll take that."

In the past people might have described me as hard-worker, smart, sarcastic (cringe), quick-to-anger, opinionated, nice but never as having a beautiful soul. And I believe there are people who's light shines from them.

Mostly darkness came from me because I thought I had to be tough, I had to hide that softer side, the side with the feelings, the side that got hurt. The vulnerable parts.

I've changed a lot of that and I guess it does show.

The wall is coming down, brick by brick.

[needgrace]

oh bug, i am so happy this morning to hear that you got that validation. i must say that it is well deserved, we see your beautiful soul every time you write here.

thanks for sharing the piece on detachment. i think it was cadet who said that it is like peeling an onion... there are layers upon layers.

yes, that wall seems to be barely able to stand... ((((((((((( )))))))))))

[labug]

typos! Arghhh! whose no who's (my perfectionism will be the last brick to fall, if I can only use it for good, not evil)

[labug]

Thanks, ng, you have given me so much to think about and learn from these last months.

I guess it takes a village to heal from grief.

[bustingout]

I like that labug...a village to heal.....

And what your casual acquaintance said about you...? What a spot on and beautiful validation!

love you labug (((( ))))