Making it work, for me

[Denver_2010]

You sound strong. Hang in there. I really hope that it works out the way that is best for you!

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks. Some days I feel stronger than others.

Two years ago I would have said that my H would never be involved with an OW as he loved me too much and could never do that. But if somehow he had, I'm sure that I would have said I'd file for D immediately.

I guess you never know how you'll react until you're actually in a sitch. If nothing else, I've learned more about myself during the past year and a half.

[Denver_2010]

I guess you never know how you'll react until you're actually in a sitch.

Can't tell you how many times I have said that in the past two years.

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks for the feedback lapoo. I don't want to get my hopes up that it'll open up communication, but I just want H to know that I can still be friendly and don't have ill will toward him.

That way if he does get let down by his OW in the future, he'll still know deep down that I've always been there for him and tried to support him as best I could.

Like some of the other posters, I'm trying to be the lighthouse that shines and maybe one day he'll notice it when he's coming out of his fog.

[sweetbabyred]

So my birthday was yesterday and I actually had a really good day. I ended up working, but it was an easy gig with lots of friends and I made quite a bit of money. It also took my mind off the will he or won't he birthday question.

In the afternoon, I finally had a break to check my phone and along with tons of fb messages, had about a dozen texts. One was from H wishing me a happy birthday and a great day. I responded, saying I was having one so far with an exclamation and thanked him.

Around 12:40am, I received another text from H, saying he hoped that my day had been good. I'd just finished a text convo with one of my best friends, so I was still up. I thanked him and he asked if I'd been celebrating.

I just told him I'd spent the day with friends, but would really celebrate on the weekend. I did work with friends and just tonight was asked to go to a concert on Saturday, so it was all technically true! It was odd that he was asking what I'd done, but whatever. No point trying to figure out why.

He then wished me a goodnight and then threw in a "btw, next time you want to see my family, i would at least like to know". I told him I wasn't hiding anything and had gone to apt search for my mother, but apologized for not letting him know.

We were able to discuss it without it turning into a full blown argument. I thought it was pretty funny because he'd found out I was there on a fb pic with my nephew and I found out he was dating because his OW put a pic on there, even after I'd asked him in April to let me know if/when he started dating so I wouldn't find out on accident.

I told him we'd both made mistakes, as evidenced by him not telling me about EA becoming OW, but didn't try to blame him. He agreed and told me that I didn't need to ask permission from him, but wanted me to ask his opinion. (?) Not sure why, but I won't be going up there til at least the holidays, so I'm not going to worry about it now.

He said he was upset with sis and mom, although I'm not really sure why. They're not happy with him having an OW while married, but he should have seen that coming. I apologized again, saying that I know how close he is/was with his family and didn't want to cause any problems.

I'm not sure if he was trying to start a fight or what, but we made it through the whole convo without an arguing. I think it may have been the most texts we've exchanged in almost a month.

And the best part was that I didn't let it give me hope or upset me. I was able to say good night at the end and go straight to sleep!

[sweetbabyred]

I'm leaving on a weeklong business trip tomorrow, and along with trying to keep up with my classwork, I plan to read DR again.

I do have a question for all the vets on here. H is leaving with a friend in another town, I found an EA turned OW about 2 weeks ago, and I'm not sure how/if I should interact with him.

In the last two weeks I think we've texted about twice and I'm wondering if I should occasionally send a "have a good week or day" text. I'm obviously not trying to compete with the OW, but he hasn't filed, so I don't want him to think I've completely moved on. How do I do that without pursuing, etc?

[sweetbabyred]

Oops, meant to say living with a friend in another town. He already left!

[sweetbabyred]

Sometimes I wonder if H has completely forgotten that I exist, except around 12am-1am. I'm on the East coast for training this week, which H doesn't know about, but I got a text from him at 12:30 central time. And what was so urgent?

H wanted to know how large the fire safe box was that I bought a few years ago and what brand it was. That couldn't wait til daylight? Or just be sent in an email? No, he just had to know apparently.

I was still up, so I did reply, although I probably shouldn't have. I just said I was out of town til Saturday and had no idea, but I did buy it on Amazon. Told him to text me later in the week and I'd look at it when I was back.

He thanked me and said he'd text me about it if he remembered, so obviously not a huge concern of his. At least he hasn't stopped contacting me completely, but I'm not sure why he's contacting me.

[sweetbabyred]

It's been a week and no contact from H, so I guess it really wasn't important after all. Part of me is curious to know why he always contacts me late at night about random stuff that isn't urgent and never during the day. I'll never figure it out, so I'm not going to waste time on it.

I just got back in town late Friday night, after spending all week at a training seminar. I met a ton of really nice people and didn't spend a minute alone all week. It really kept my mind off of my sitch.

I've got a huge midterm paper due on Thursday, so I've got to keep it together and get that turned in. I'm trying to stay strong and not think about what H is doing or why he hasn't yet filed if he's so happy with his OW.

[Soul.Searching]

I haven't read your whole thread yet but my H contacts me a lot more of a night. I think that's when all is quiet, the days work is done and either A: he is bored and lonely or B: that's when he has nothing to do but think.

If there is OW maybe that Is when she is not around/ asleep?


Stay strong.