Basically your fortune cookie told you to pull a 180. DB is simply everywhere.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
We then went and watched a heavy metal band play for a while at the festival. They were hot and I knew all the songs. She enjoyed it but made sure to not stand too close to me.
There were dozens of couples or small groups of people standing around watching the show. As noted above, I couldn't help but notice that they all were standing closer together than we were. So then I decided to try a little test. I glanced the opposite direction and took a step that way. Yep, within a few seconds she closed the extra gap! Gosh I love her.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I had a great time at the Graph Expo trade show today. Actually even had a couple contacts who haven't seen me in a while tell me I looked good! This was quite nice to hear, considering all the stress I've been dealing with.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My wife always wore her wedding ring. Until recently that is.
I, on the other hand, almost never wore mine, even though she asked me to. Too uncomfortable was my excuse, besides "you know how much I love you and value our marriage" I would tell her. Of course I can't punch myself hard enough for this failure now.
Shortly after the bomb drop in March this year, I put it on. This lasted a couple of days until she finally said something. "Could I tell you something that you might not like to hear?" I said "Yes, of course". Then she went on to explain how me putting the ring on now, after refusing to wear it for years, was like a slap in her face. I said that I was only trying to show her that I was changing. She said that I was only going to make myself look foolish when everyone soon learned that we got divorced. She started this conversation calmly, but finished it extremely upset. I took the ring off and put it away.
Then, several months later, I made a nonchalant comment about her forgetting to put on her ring when going out on her own one day. She said "you don't wear yours" and laughed. I said "True, but that's only because you no longer want me to." "I want to, and plan to earn my way back to wearing it."
Today, after a few more months went by, I put my ring on for the trade show outing I went on today. She had to have seen it, but did not comment. I'm planning to start wearing it more and more and see what happens.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Today, after a few more months went by, I put my ring on for the trade show outing I went on today. She had to have seen it, but did not comment. I'm planning to start wearing it more and more and see what happens.
Understand that she cam smell a trick.
If you are wearing the ring for YOU then that is fine, but she will see it as a trick to try to get her back and for that reason it will fail.
You must make changes for YOU.
Take the focus off of her and what she thinks, she is lost and you watching her is not going to help her to find herself.
you're totally and solely "waiting to see what happens" which means'
it's all about HER REACTION.
You'll know you've begun to detach when she does not enter the equation.
Right now, she IS the equation. This will not yield you the results you want b/c it's manipulative and she'll know it.
Here's a short post on Detachment but there are MANY more on this site if you look around.
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I, on the other hand, almost never wore mine, even though she asked me to. Too uncomfortable was my excuse, besides "you know how much I love you and value our marriage" I would tell her. Of course I can't punch myself hard enough for this failure now.
Yeah, me too. I wore mine for probably 10 years, but I gained weight slowly over that time and it got to the point that I couldn't easily remove it, so I quit wearing it. We tried to have it sized but it still didn't fit. I am not a jewelry person, I do a lot of home projects plus work on motorcycles and cars so I just don't wear a watch, rings or anything. W actually bought me a new ring a year or two ago, it was really nice but I told her I probably wouldn't wear it much so she should return it and get her money back. What a completely foolish move on my part. I just saw it as a ring, she saw it as something much more. Shame on me for being so utterly clueless about the message behind that gift. Anyway, W quit wearing her ring about a month after BD. I actually thought about putting mine on again, but after reading DB I realized it would be perceived as pressure, I would be calling attention to the fact that we want different things and that I don't agree with what she wants. I hope we get to the point some day that she wants to put hers back on, and when she does then we will go shopping for one for me and I WILL wear it.
Yeah, me too. I wore mine for probably 10 years, but I gained weight slowly over that time and it got to the point that I couldn't easily remove it, so I quit wearing it. We tried to have it sized but it still didn't fit. I am not a jewelry person, I do a lot of home projects plus work on motorcycles and cars so I just don't wear a watch, rings or anything. W actually bought me a new ring a year or two ago, it was really nice but I told her I probably wouldn't wear it much so she should return it and get her money back. What a completely foolish move on my part. I just saw it as a ring, she saw it as something much more. Shame on me for being so utterly clueless about the message behind that gift. Anyway, W quit wearing her ring about a month after BD. I actually thought about putting mine on again, but after reading DB I realized it would be perceived as pressure, I would be calling attention to the fact that we want different things and that I don't agree with what she wants. I hope we get to the point some day that she wants to put hers back on, and when she does then we will go shopping for one for me and I WILL wear it.
Don't be too hard on yourself mate. It's amazing what we take for granted when all is "well". The thing is, though, we're not the only "baddies" here. Sure we didn't know how to love them the way they needed it but I'm pretty sure the same goes both ways. You didn't know her love language and she probably didn't know yours.
Whenever I look back I see things in our lives together which could have been done differently, from both ends. I don't think that changing anyone of them would have made much of a difference in what has happened. The only thing we can do now is make sure it doesn't happen again. Make sure we don't become complacent again and stop appreciating whet we've got. And frankly, that should start now even if we feel destitute. Mate, I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching. I think I'm actually trying to uplift my own spirit here.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Not at all, those are wise words indeed You are quite right, it goes both ways. I made mistakes and she did too. We both became parents at the expense of our marriage, we just put it on autopilot and quit working at it. The ring is just one of many examples of how I lost touch with what her LL needs are, but there are plenty of examples of how she lost touch with mine as well. I do beat myself up now and then over my mistakes, but only enough to remind myself of what my 180's are so I don't make the same mistakes again
