Needing some guidance... 6

[jks]

She is solution oriented. That is why I chose her and I made sure to let her know that as well so she would know where my thought process is.

I love your idea about writing the letter. And, yes, I've been having major crying sessions lately. It seems that it's pretty much any time I'm alone. Which is a lot.

I used to journal here a lot and I've stopped recently because I felt that I was spending all of my days on here and I wasn't spending time doing anything else. I just need to find a balance with it. There were times over the last couple of months that I know I was so strong. Reading back in some of my posts, it was like I knew exactly what I needed to be doing and I knew that I would be fine no matter what. And I truly believed that. I haven't felt that in a long time.

I think I'm at such a low right now because this is the time where I really have to accept that my M is over. I have been in denial for so long and I've had so much hope and faith that we would make it through. So now those dreams are truly coming down HARD.

My efforts of trying to save our family were unsuccessful and it hurts in so many ways. I was reading something yesterday about how D reveals itself in so many ways over a long period of time. Things that you never thought would hurt you or bother you, eventually come to the surface in years to come because it affects so much.

I did a photoshoot tonight for H's sister's best friend. She saw H's sister and mother at the grocery store last week and she told them that I was doing her pictures. H's sister said, oh, she won't talk to us anymore. And H's mom started to get teary eyed. Then H's sister said, we better not talk about this or she's going to get upset.

I was taken back that they think that I don't want to talk to them. H's mom has never once reached out to contact me. She was closer to me than my own mother and not once has she ever called me to see if I'm ok. Is that so wrong for me to want a phone call from my MIL to see if I'm ok? I just feel like I was so easily pushed out and OW was so easily accepted into the family. H has had a pretty easy transition with this. His parents treat him like he can do no wrong.

This just brings up so much more anger for me. They're now putting it on me that I'm the bad guy because I don't want to talk to them? I would greatly appreciate a phone call from any one of them asking about how I'm doing. But, yes, if they want to shoot the breeze about what's been going on with the family... I don't think I can take that right now. So I am better off not talking to them I guess. I'm happy to know that at least my MIL has a heart.

Life is so complicated.