Needing some guidance... 6

[jks]

Wow, keep_going. I am loving your post tonight. I need to have this stickied everywhere in my house so I can remember it all the time.

I'm going to start dating MYSELF!! That really is the best idea I've heard in a long time. I can really envision that and I know at some points along this journey I have done just that. And those were the times that I felt my best.

I have been in a very low mood lately. It's like the interactions with H are really getting to me. It makes me feel trapped. Trapped in my feelings and I have no release. I just keep everything in when he's around and all I want to do is scream and cry. Which is what I do when he leaves. The problem is, doing it after he leaves still makes me feel like it's bottled up inside me. Even telling other people about it still makes me feel like its bottled up. Because he's the one I want to know about how I'm feeling. He's the one I want to know how much his actions are affecting my life. How much pain he's causing and has no idea.

And I always tell myself, he doesn't care. You can tell him all of these things and you can cry and it won't change a thing. So what's the point? It's like I'm left to deal with this truly on my own and I don't know how to process it. I've never had to do this before. This is independence in it's true form because I emotionally and physically have to do it all on my own. This is a lot for me to take in.

My session with the T went well today. I basically just told her what has been going on and why I'm seeking out her help and she told me to come back next week with a list of goals of things that I want. We'll see how that goes.