Friday we had a long tearful talk. I finally admitted that i did not want to continue trying to save this marriage if the situation was going to stay the same. Wow..that was really tough to get out but it took a huge load off my mind. I had been hiding that for a while and had therefore been pushing her away so i didn't have to deal with it. All of a sudden my anger has dropped away. It seems my direction has too. I've been so busy pushing away from her and trying to run away that now i feel confused and directionsless. A bit adrift at the moment. That's not necessarily a bad thing...i can take some time to figure out what i really want. I stayed over at the house on the weekend. W even came and cuddled with me most of the night friday..it felt good. We spend VD and the next day watching some rented videos. Even though i made that big pronouncement, we're keeping our friendship together, and i'm not going to go right ahead for the big D. I'll let things move along at their own pace and see what i want/need. Not sure what I want at the moment.
That took courage, now40. Just don't go back to being manipulated by her. Yeah, she cuddled, and that was nice, but that's all it was. I think not going quickly for the D may be good. It gives her a chance, if she chooses to take it, to do her own DBing. But let's get real. A leopard (usually) can't change its spots. You may want to take steps to assure that your interests are protected in case she files for a D first.
Personally...I love sex and I couldn't live without it. So do I think you could be happier? Probably! I just hope there isn't anything too serious with your wife. It doesn't sound normal, unless alot of it is just in her head. Maybe she just doesn't like sex, possibly due to her past. Who knows!
Something in her past is possible. She's suspected that something may have happened to her as a child that she has blocked out, but has not desire at all to try and find out about that.
From what i can tell i think her parents have a SSM but it doesn't seem to be a problem for them. Perhaps one of the reasons she doesn't understand how it is such a problem for me.
Her parents are workaholic perfectionsists who were very controlling of her as a child.
Wife was a way for a week. Life was very stress free. I tend to find that being around her causes me a lot of stress (not just recently, through most of the marriage) as there are a lot of rules to be followed etc. I find her to be difficult at times. As someone pointed out once, the love bank allows you to borrow against it for the tougher times, but when that bank (tank?) is empty, even the little things are hard to take.
Well she came back from her trip really missing me and upset about our situation. Lots of need for my attention and holding on to me (hugs and holding hands have never been an issue..its that the physical never gets beyond G-rated). She really doesn't want to lose me and i told her that she has the power to bring me back. Her response was the I had stated that I was not willing to put in the effort. Yes. I'm not willing to sacrifice any more of myself and put in a lot of effort in hopes that she will change her behaviour at all. I didnt' say any of this, just pulled up some reserverves from somewhere to hold on to her and be there for her. But...its all on her head. Ugh..i really don't want to have any more discussions but seems i need to again tell her that it is her actions that will make the difference.
I finished reading and writing here on the boards last night and was about to shut down and head to 'my bedroom', the spare bedroom where i now sleep when i'm staying at the house. W comes out of the bedroom crying. Held her for a long time and when she calmed down she told me that she had just realized how lonely she would be without me. Having no friends and family to count on, i was all she had. She said that pain of loneliness was greater than the physical pain of ML so she was willing to give it a try. We did ML. Having pretty much trained myself through 10+ years of SSM to not be interested in her, as well as 5 months of separation preparing me to move on, I really wasn't into it very much. Falling asleep in each others arms after, i still don't feel any change in my empty love bank. Maybe it will take time. We'll see if this is a one time occurance or if she really wants to try. She did finally say that she will talk to the doctor about her Pill prescription and i'm trying to get her to talk to the doctor about the pain as well. Not sure what i want to happen, this change was what i thought i was looking for but i'm not excited about it at all.
Maybe it will just take some time. Its hard to get too excited about one time when its been a long time coming. I went for almost 5 years before anything physical. It was right before new years when H said he wanted to try to make things right. We haven't had any full blown sex yet, just twice of playing around and Ummmmmm oral, which I could not even get into. I know for myself I am pretty skeptical of his wanting to try. A few things have changed like he now gives me little kisses here and there and hugs. While I do acknowledge those changes and praise him for them, we still sleep in separate beds, because the dogs sleep out at night and they get into the bed and push me out so its just easier to sleep in my own bed. He would not let me put them up at night. The really sad part is, I tried for so many years that now I am not sure I care.
Glad to hear she is going to the drs. Maybe that will bring to light the cause of some of the problems.
If your own doctor can't do anything, may I suggest your try to get her in to see the Berman Sisters as a last ditch effort if nothing else. Here is there website: Berman Sisters
If anyone can solve a female problem with pain and sex, these ladies might be it. Here is the bio from their site: Laura Berman, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist, and her sister, Jennifer Berman, M.D., one of the few female urologists in the country. I have seen them on TV before, they are gung-ho about fixing female dysfunction.
oral, which I could not even get into. I know for myself I am pretty skeptical of his wanting to try. A few things have changed like he now gives me little kisses here and there and hugs. While I do acknowledge those changes and praise him for them, we still sleep in separate beds, because the dogs sleep out at night and they get into the bed and push me out so its just easier to sleep in my own bed. He would not let me put them up at night. The really sad part is, I tried for so many years that now I am not sure I care. 
