My W has told me that there were things that I did, like invite she and SS to a movie, that she felt pressure from. She said that there were times during our S when we were hanging out and spending time together where she would feel like she had to say yes to something that I would invite her to, when in reality, she was feeling more like she needed space from me. She can see now that I wasn't trying to pressure her at all... it was merely where she was emotionally that made her perceive it as such.
I meant to stress above that something as minor and innocent as me inviting my W to a movie was perceived as pressure at times. There was no way that I could have asked her to go to a marital retreat. But, once she began to feel more comfortable, and was able to get there on her own, she brought it to the table. I didn't have to. All I had to say was, 'honey, if you feel that your are in a place where you are comfortable going, then I am all for it.'
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks a lot and good to hear from you Acc. Wow, I am glad I am meeting with my IC tomorrow. I really appreciate all of your extra effort. I saw W briefly today for the kids exchange, it’s clear that everything I do is under a big microscope. I am really confused guys!!!! In life and in what your telling me. You mention that my marriage is at a boiling point but then I am getting signals from ya all that it sounds like my marriage might have a chance. This presure sure does suck!! I guess I somewhat understand because it does feel like we are at a "boiling point" in a way. I could just sense the tention when I picked up the kids today. More from W then me. I was a bit more jovial and upbeat then W.
Anyway, I am leaning towards emailing W tomorrow and suggesting Retrouvaille without a heavy pursuing theme. Below is the well written post from Denver. Do you mind taking another look before I send, I appreciate it.
One thing that I have been trying to learn during our time apart is how to communicate better. I realize that I haven't always been the best at it. And when you asked me the other night 'why now', the truth is that I wasn't sure how to communicate the answer to you. I was a bit afraid of how you would react to the answer.
I am working on it. For myself. But it's difficult, because I'm also really trying to give you the space and time that you need to figure out what you want. I don't want to make you feel pressured to do something that you are not ready to do. So I'm a bit reluctant to just throw it out there like I am now.
I am trying to look at this time away from one another as a time for personal growth, maybe for both of us, but definitely for me. Maybe it will turn out to be a good thing. Maybe we end up divorced and we are both better people for what is happening now. Or, maybe we end up together, in a better, healthier M. I know that, right now, that is what I hope for. But I also know that I cannot control the outcome.
There is nothing that I would like more than to learn how we can be close again... be friends again. There is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and am wondering if you might be as well. I want one last opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart? Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too."
BTW, I am not sure if I should mention anything in the note to W about same rooms or not..maybe you can help to include that because W needs to know that we would stay at the b and b.
Note to self and you guys have pointed it out to me. I need to REALLY THINK before I say anything around W!!!
Fuc!k, so frustating. Anyway, I probably said one somewhat minor F up but one thing I found interesting is we briefly talked about movies, I told her I was excited for the new Bond movie and I said I was excited to see it. She replyed "Are you going with your relatives to see it?" She seemed concerned on who I was going to see the movie with. Just a bit interesting.
BTW, I am not sure if I should mention anything in the note to W about same rooms or not..maybe you can help to include that because W needs to know that we would stay at the b and b.
"...There is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and am wondering if you might be as well. I want one last opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart? It is set up where we'd be in the same room, but there would be two beds. Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too."
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Awesome Denver. I think this might be a long shot. I feel I've already reached out to her but at the same time I DO feel a "Hail Mary" is needed. I will probably send it in the AM.
"...There is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and am wondering if you might be as well. I want one last opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart? It is set up where we'd be in the same room, but there would be two beds. Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too."
Awesome Denver. I think this might be a long shot. I feel I've already reached out to her but at the same time I DO feel a "Hail Mary" is needed. I will probably send it in the AM.
"...There is a marital retreat that I would love for us to go to. I don't know if it will help us figure this out, but I know that it can't hurt. I am definitely interested in going to it and am wondering if you might be as well. I want one last opportunity to work on our marriage. To truly take a look at our relationship. Then we can think about it and decide what we want to do. Do we move forward together or do we do it apart? It is set up where we'd be in the same room, but there would be two beds. Again, I'm not trying to pressure you at all. I just saw this opportunity and thought that I would see what you think about it. If you'd rather give it some more time and then consider doing something like this later on down the road, I am fine with that too."
I did not include the first part of the message that, personally, I'd include when you send the email to your W. Just want to make sure that you understood that I only quoted the part that I was adding to.
Why do you think that a hail mary is needed?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, I agree with what you're saying, but in this case his W suggested going to see the joint counselor -- I took that to mean she was proposing taking a step to work on things. That's why I feel the Rvaiellle door is open. In amy case if she goes because she feels pressured, she still goes. I haven't heard of anyone coming out of that saying it made things worse -- at worst it just didn't get much better. If I were Rough I would take those odds all day long versus meeting with an MC. My informal survey of talking to people about MC suggests about a 90% failure rate.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hey Acc, I DONT KNOW what W was meaning by meeting with a joint counselor other then she wants to "talk about things". Your post just confirms that I will ask her to go to Retrouville. Once again, a long shot but I will ask, I can handle rejection
You mention that my marriage is at a boiling point but then I am getting signals from ya all that it sounds like my marriage might have a chance. This presure sure does suck!! I guess I somewhat understand because it does feel like we are at a "boiling point" in a way. I could just sense the tention when I picked up the kids today. More from W then me. I was a bit more jovial and upbeat then W.