good luck on your run afa75! let us know how it goes!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
The run was Fun! At first chilly, but overall was a good time. More of a fun-a-thon than an actual marathon. Good times with good people.
So on my drive home, I receive a text from W. Stating she's impressed with me for doing the run. She then invites me to go to the festival, "been trying to think of a way to ask all week". I don't reply as I'm driving. Also, a part of me wants to say no. That part is due to her involvement with an OM; and everyone we will most likely run into will view me as a cuckold.
So I make it home and we chit chat about the run. She comments ob some new clothes that I bought last night. She looked through the bag while I was gone. She liked what I bought. Then we talk about the festival and she gets tearful. That leads into a R talk. She let's me know she's still confused. She feels safe and secure living with me. She NEEDS the validation from OM (she makes a connection between her mom treating her like [censored] and not giving her good attention). She doesn't want to file for a D. I tell hee neither do I, but provided a R continues with OM or anyone else for too long, that I will. She was mad when I told her I didn't want to be a cuckold. She gets pissed when I call it what it is. All in all I know I validated many of her emotions and it was heard, ranging from how I contributed to the demise if our M on top of her "screwed up" life before me; the shame, guilt, and embarrassment she feels (especially in regards to my family - she said she wanted to attend my SIL's party but was afraid of how she would be treated. I tried to convey that they don't know everything and they too love her. I left it at that and she could come if she wanted too). She confirmed most of my validations. She cried often. My eyes were a little wet at times, but not tears. I may have put too much of myself out there / a possible future of us. Not heavy, but mentioning it as a possibility. She did welcome a hug. I ended up going to the festival. Much of the time I wished I wasn't there due to awkward feeling on my behalf. I focused on the kids as much as possible. I left a few minutes earlier than her, with 2 of our 3 plus my niece, so we could go to SIL's party. I whispered invisible hug to her before I left, she smiled.
So at the party I tried to maintain a PMA, half of the people knew of the separation, the other half didn't. Again, a weird feeling if being a "single parent" at a family function, especially based in the conversations we have had today. I did find 2 good ICs for her to choose from. One definitely promarriage and the other well versed in trauma, encourages no sudden changes - don't divorce because of the trauma not caused by me. So we'll see what she does that with the info when I give it to her tomorrow . Where / how do I go from here...other than continuing to improve myself. Any special changes if damage control I should do?
Glad you enjoyed the run and like the positive reaction from W. That looked like a good convo before the festival IMO - I like to know what page we are on - both of you validating and respecting each other's views. I haven't reviewed your entire thread so forgive me if I ask obvious qs - why does she NEED the validation from OM and not you? How often does she get that fix from OM? I think it's good for her to see a C - did she ask you to help her find one?
I'm not too good on advice about Rs AFA as...well you've seen my mess! But you sound to be on the right track for your PMA so keep doing more of that.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Hey Tumbling, thanks for chiming in and the support. As far as Validation goes, what she means us positive attention, compliments and what not. Throughout our R, I haven't been the best, nor the worst. Ironically enough, a few months before the bomb and the existence of OM u was actually better at offering her that type of compliment telling her how beautiful she looked and all the good stuff. She doesn't recall any of it. Heck, earlier today. She totally forgot about a 50 Shades of Grey kind of encounter we had. As far as frequency of the "fix" from OM, it's probably at least daily via text or app games. A few weeks ago, she commented that my compliment is a "good" whereas his is more of a "great". Is it true? Maybe, but I'd lay money more on the fact that it has more of an impact due to the newness factor. Regardless, it means more to her. How do I compete with that? Do I compete with that? Yes, she asked me for help ion finding her a C, I know a fair share of them. I found some that I obviously don't know.
.... Today's events thus far. Woke up several times because of dreams longing for her, simply holding / snuggling with her. Eventually we all woke up and lounged around. We were "normal" with each other, like things were before. She admitted she wanted to be held but fought of the temptation. The whole if we could erase the past 3 months scenario, but can't. We stayed away from any serious R talks, including me not saying something (180 for me), and sokind of agreed on a business like approach regarding today. I did try to offer her a compliment about how beautiful she which was received rather indifferent from her. Temperature checking maybe, as she did shortly later on make a comment about how I looked good, especially because I was wearing one of her favorite shirts. Anyways, we all made a drive to IKEA. She made a comment about how we actually talked the majority of the way there (one of her complaints). So were being friendly and a little flirty with each other. I'm trying to match her, without over doing it / pressuring her. The next few days I have to work, but will be off Third and Fri as they all have Fall Break. So ill have several days with her and the kids. Suggestions as to not over do things? I felt like I backslid a little and had to cover up / fake it. I think she didn't realize too much based on the overall good day we had. I think W phrased it along the lines of "its nice were getting along, I like it, even though its not reality, don't want to get your hopes up so as to not get hurt". As usual, any thoughts on everything are welcomed.
I'm new here and I haven't read your other posts yet. But this running post makes me smile. I mean, I'm seeing both of you wanting to work something out, and you are communicating with respect. I hope you two would work things out! My H wouldn't even contact me at all...well. I'm hoping that someday me and him will be able to talk to each other again.....
Hi AFA Wow - what an opportunity you have right now then to be the REAL man rather than the VIRTUAL one but I think you have to make ssssllllooooowwwww moves (tread lightly as you said on my thread). I guess its flattering to feel "chased" my another...?
Totally agree with the MATCHING M.O. Was she in the receptive zone for that compliment, like the moment you whispered invisible hug at the festival? I like that she compliments you.
I don't seem to have anything to match re my sitch. I seem to be initiating all contact and I don't like working that way. Enjoy Fall Break
Hey Tumbling, thanks for chiming in and the support. As far as Validation goes, what she means us positive attention, compliments and what not. Throughout our R, I haven't been the best, nor the worst. Ironically enough, a few months before the bomb and the existence of OM u was actually better at offering her that type of compliment telling her how beautiful she looked and all the good stuff. She doesn't recall any of it. Heck, earlier today. She totally forgot about a 50 Shades of Grey kind of encounter we had. As far as frequency of the "fix" from OM, it's probably at least daily via text or app games. A few weeks ago, she commented that my compliment is a "good" whereas his is more of a "great". Is it true? Maybe, but I'd lay money more on the fact that it has more of an impact due to the newness factor. Regardless, it means more to her. How do I compete with that? Do I compete with that? Yes, she asked me for help ion finding her a C, I know a fair share of them. I found some that I obviously don't know.
.... Today's events thus far. Woke up several times because of dreams longing for her, simply holding / snuggling with her. Eventually we all woke up and lounged around. We were "normal" with each other, like things were before. She admitted she wanted to be held but fought of the temptation. The whole if we could erase the past 3 months scenario, but can't. We stayed away from any serious R talks, including me not saying something (180 for me), and sokind of agreed on a business like approach regarding today. I did try to offer her a compliment about how beautiful she which was received rather indifferent from her. Temperature checking maybe, as she did shortly later on make a comment about how I looked good, especially because I was wearing one of her favorite shirts. Anyways, we all made a drive to IKEA. She made a comment about how we actually talked the majority of the way there (one of her complaints). So were being friendly and a little flirty with each other. I'm trying to match her, without over doing it / pressuring her. The next few days I have to work, but will be off Third and Fri as they all have Fall Break. So ill have several days with her and the kids. Suggestions as to not over do things? I felt like I backslid a little and had to cover up / fake it. I think she didn't realize too much based on the overall good day we had. I think W phrased it along the lines of "its nice were getting along, I like it, even though its not reality, don't want to get your hopes up so as to not get hurt". As usual, any thoughts on everything are welcomed.
Honestly? My thought is... just keep doing what you are doing. I think that you are making small inroads. Remember...
Consistent changes + sufficient time = changes she can trust
Right now, she does not trust what is happening between the two of you... thus, why you need to keep doing what you are doing.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
It's been a long time, and I see that a lot has happened. Your W's words match my H's words of about a year ago: "we don't talk in the car," "don't want to get your hopes up," "I felt validated by OW." Same stuff. So listen but don't take everything she says literally.
She's basically trying to find an excuse to keep OM, but it all comes down to her overcoming her negative thoughts about your M, her fear, and her past trauma. Remember, it's not all you. It seems she has a pretty rough past, which is definitely impacting how she sees your R.
I would keep doing the same but don't appear desperate. Remember: GAL (great job on the run, by the way) and continue being nice and upbeat as much as you can.
Don't pressure her into telling you what the IC said. If she comes to you, listen--don't judge or give advice.
Patience is key. I still see hope for you guys.
Oh, and now I see how this progress is also bringing you confusion...Hang in there.
Thanks to all of you who continue to offer your words of wisdom and support. It truly does mean a lot to me. Positive Grattitude coming each of your ways!!!
Mini journal Since the last update, I continue to want the "normal" back too. I'm faking it some and making it the rest. Exercise is soooo hopeful. At her request, I had sent her a text with their cell phone numbers, along with an a return, "I'm impressed" with her facing her fears.She informed me that she didn't have a chance to call either IC yesterday. Cool, no pressure (didn't ask anything). We have been playing that Draw app game. I know she's plays it with others, but it's nice that she has recently begun to add little comments (nothing flirty or anything, just lighthearted comments). Last night I was assembling furniture from IKEA, she didnt' expect me to, and as she walked by with D11, I made a playful / flirty comment about her hair. She asked if I was flirting with her, and I responded, "No, I wouldn't do that." She and D11 giggled in a positive way about how they think I like to flirt with her. This morning, she texted to let me know she and D2 were awake (I left without waking anyone up), and then she called to share the plans for her and the kids today, including asking if I'd prefer for them to wait to buy Halloween costumes. I said yes, and thanked her (Halloween is one of my fav holidays), and she responded "It's one of our things to do." I ended the call before her, she added in "take care." Normally it's just a "bye."
So she's continuing to come around a little. I just need to keep myself in check as there is still an OM (at least in some form) and a long way to go......
Wow. This sounds really good. I see continued progress. She's not going in cycles, which is really good. I think it's because you are behaving in such a nice way, yet not pushy. Great job. I think what's also helping is that you guys caught this problem not too late in the process. I now know there's a "point of no return" and you didn't get there. So there's hope.
I wonder what kind of R she has with the OM. It sounds like it's an EA that might be coming to an end. The average A last 6 mo, correct? My H's A lasted about that long--3 months EA followed by 3 months PA.
