Agree with scaredsilly. Short and sweet text will do. Don't reveal much so he's curious about how you're doing and what you're doing. Have an awesome time at the conference!
Thanks ladies! Just dropping in before pre-dinner drinks. I'm really tired so won't be staying up late. Still not feeling 100%.
So I txt H this morning "Awww, thanks H, what a lovely txt to wake up to x' I hope that was non comittal enough... Doesn't seem to be txtng before work, maybe there's no signal. Who knows? Staying dimmer whilst I'm away. No expectations. I can survive without txts!
yes you can Tumbling! Glad you are feeling better and hope your conference goes great! (((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Journalling I'm still not 100% well so this conf will go down as the first one I ever attended where I didn't touch alcohol & was first to go to bed (2145!). I'm still at hotel - everyone else has left - so currently sitting on my bed wondering if I dare risk dinner stomach cramp wise! Probably won't. Also when not well don't feel confident sitting at table for one in a busy hotel restaurant.
Conference good, included internal news that I just called my MD about that he didn't know. Must be worth a bonus.point!
As for H Someone attending conf knows my situation & was surprised yesterday to hear that I've been txtng H & thought I shld have stated a boundary like 'it's over, i'd prefer you don't contact me'. Now whilst I agree that IF it's over it's best to have NC, I don't think H & I have said it's over (I did say I couldn't do 'this' anymore beginning of Sept) nor do I think it's right to tell someone that by txt. I told colleague that until H & I talk face to face I'm keeping coms open & light.
So I've been 'leaning back' aka no initiating/overfunctioning since saying thx for txt yesterday morning w no expectations. And guess what just happened? H txt to ask how I was. AMAZING. Here's his txt How are you feeling Tumbling? x
DRAFT RESPONSE PLS CHK
Hi H. It's nice to hear from you. I'm better but not perfect; currently sitting on hotel bed wondering if I dare risk dinner!x
I don't think he'll remember I'm away w work so hotel may intrigue him....
I don't want to ask how he is as I hate txt convos. It wld be so much easier to have a 5 min convo!
I've realised by leaning back I create space for him to do or not do & I don't get my panties in a bunch. Here's to more leaning back!
Noted for nxt time Wendylon. I sent it as was due to time. It's how I would have ansa'd a txt from anyone & doesn't initiate a convo which is a mini 180. Perhaps not dim enough tho? Will try harder, Tumbling.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I am back from the north. I am confused. I remain off the ride and on the blanket but am concerned about my mixed signals and that it will start the ride off again.
Other times H and I have split apart due to me being hurt by his actions or him suddenly caving, we have started coms again just as we are now. BUT as much as I want to heal our relationship - so it's good the coms channel is open again - I don't want to carry on cycling close/split apart.
Chatterbug wrote this on another's thread recently and it got me thinking and I don't think I am doing this though I want to:
"...but it's not establishing friendship at all costs. There was detachment (check), Affair ends (n/a), boundaries are figured out (check), boundaries are communicated (no) and boundaries are respected (ditto). Friendship establishes (yikes)."
See it's all very well sending these friendly texts but I want H to know that I am only willing to be friends if we are trying to fix our marriage. I guess you could call that a boundary and not communicating it is the mistake I have made each time we've got back together so to speak. I have responded to him because I think we both want to fix the relationship but I have never dared confirm we are on the same page. I have just assumed we are.
I joined the board because I want to do things differently this time. I want this to be the last reconnect that results in fix or split. So in joining the board I want to focus on: 1) doing my 180s - let him lead, respect his needs etc as well as become better person in relationship with/without H; 2) integrating Canada Girl with Tumbling (GAL etc) 3) holding my boundary so that I remain safe i.e. make it clear that I am only responding as I want to fix our marriage.
So how do I handle what's going on now? How do I let H know that I have opened the door a little because I am willing to work on our relationship together and that I will close the door if that's not what he commits to?
Because I think it's too late to state a boundary now as we have been daily texting (I know it's only texting but if it was over I would be staying dim and doing admin emails only) for over a fortnight.
I am worried that this could continue and there won't be a chance to state my boundary. Or rather I am worried that he hasn't told me what he wants in communicating with me. It's like I/we have avoided asking. So I guess the conversation is a 180...?
I think my real boundary is this: H, I respect that you needed to move out. I don't want our marriage to be over but I don't want to continue living like this. I am willing to support you on your journey and work with you to heal our relationship if you commit to working on this too with a view to moving home before the year is out.
I know I shouldn't have a timeline but I think I am close to being done emotionally hence my continued pointing at fix or split.
So in order to show that I am not a desperate wife wanting her husband home - which I am not - but remain interested in fixing the marriage, should I just be responding openly and lovingly to any text he sends but not initiating any?
This would be a 180 to how things have played out before with me driving it/pursuing him. I know that when he first communicated (a fortnight ago) I went rushing in but I am trying to remain leaned back now. I guess I'm fearful that if I now stop initiating he will get the impression that I am not interested at all and have given him mixed signals...? I know it's ok to initiate if I have no expectations but is that a mixed signal?
I'm sorry if I sound confused but...that's because I am...
O and last night I text "night night, trust the weather is being kind to you."
Just got this - how do I respond? "weather has turned really nasty - loads and loads of rain!x"
"night, night. Hope you're warm and dry x"
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I'm pretty sure your H knows that you're open to reconciling. I don't think you need to state your position and your boundaries. Also, he may not even know where he stands. If you make your timeline explicit, it just becomes an ultimatum. I get the impression that you think R talk will solve the ambiguity of the current sitch. There is no reason for that to be the case and your bringing it up is definitely pursuing. My impression is that we are more likely to err on the side of thinking that the WAS doesn't realise that we're keen and that it needs spelling out. I don't think it does.
Think actions and not words.
My vote is for you to continue what you're doing but bring it down a notch (eg shorter texts) and see what happens. It's just my sense and I may be off but you sound friendlier and more involved to me in your texts than he does.
It sounds as if you're feeling better health-wise though. Have a nice weekend and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
