And even if she was lying to protect my feelings or her feelings... What does it matter the timeframe she proposes?
To me... It doesn't...
Then that's good enough for me. Everyone is different, and I like to ask people early on "What would be a dealbreaker for you? EA? PA? Other?" We're here to help you learn to enforce YOUR boundaries.
I still don't believe her though.
Starsky
LOL!
Timeframe isn't a dealbreaker for me. Even if it was only a half-truth... it's half more than I've received for a long time... and that's a positive step in my book either way.
I don't think that you have been very specific about her words re OM this past weekend. What did she say about OM?
Hey Denver... Well I didn't dive TOO much into OM this weekend, as I didn't want her to feel I was persecuting her and didn't want to let OM dominate our conversation.
In summary, she admitted that she is seeing OM. She told me that she didn't just go up there to be with him (which I believe), that she didn't decide to start seeing him as soon as she got up there (which I also believe), but that after she moved up there and was met with a couple weeks of silence... she began to wonder. She says we talked after she'd been up there for a couple weeks and I stated "Obviously, we're separated... I mean you moved away!". Although I don't remember saying that, I don't doubt that I did. She says that that after that particular conversation was when things started with OM (which I also believe).
In her mind, as we were/are separated, this isn't an Affair, and this isn't cheating (Something my IC was VERY adamant in pointing out... that she probably doesn't see this as an affair or as cheating as she took the steps to separate before pursuing a PA.)
I validated this thinking, as I truly understand her opinion on it, even if I don't agree.
We didn't get into too many more details than that, and I tried my best not to keep bringing it up... Although it slipped into conversations again once in a while... like when I was surprised that she actually wanted to read the draft-posts on her blog... I was shocked and said something like "You want to read about how much I love you even though you're going back to OM?"... I know that was a mistake, and I quickly dropped that.
Hope this answers your question!
That is classic wayward thinking and most likely a large stretch of the truth that is more for her and not you. See when your married your married. Unless you have some legal document before you saying your legally separated or divorced then its cheating. Isn't it just so utterly impossible in odds that she just happened to move back to Mouseville and then by chance happen to meet up with the same man she was texting and sending pictures to a few months earlier... right around the same time you realized that the marriage was falling apart... hmmmm......
Kind of sounds like what my W is trying to make me believe. I'd still go with the "don't believe anything they say" on this AT. She's trying to blame you (or at least make you feel guilty) for her getting into an affair.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
I really never have resolved the question in my own mind. I think that ultimately it is just wrong, and that you should be divorced before dating. But I also know that had it been me that left, I may have done the same thing. I also see that we, as human beings, are just looking for happiness. It is sometimes hard to put that aside when you honestly believe that you are done with the marriage. I see both sides of the argument.
----
Can you see yourself pursuing her, having contact with her, being there for her emotionally, knowing that she may be sleeping in the bed of an OM?
I don't mean to be hurtfully blunt, but that was something that I could not see myself doing.
Waiting it out? Yes. For a while. Actively being a part of her life while knowing that OM could be with her that night, cuddling with her on the couch, or while I was on the phone with her... no way. It was hard enough putting those thoughts out of my mind while trying to detach and be dark.
I'm just wondering how you look at this... what you think about?
Yeah, that is where I'm at in my sitch and I don't know that I can either. It's been a few days since it's been out in the open about W actually being in love with OM (or at least thinking she is) and willing to jeopardize our family over it. AT, you're doing the right thing for sure because this here is looking more and more impossible every hour.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
The dirty little secret is that there really isn't much of ANYTHING you can do while they are still with their OM/OW. They're going to be blocked to you emotionally, actually RESENT any positive changes, and you're just going to be more and more frustrated and resentful.
If you play your cards right . . . and if the wayward spouse chooses to end their affair and make a move back towards the marriage, THEN you will have plenty of opportunities to demonstrate your changes. Until then, you're only spinning your wheels and would be wise to focus on those positive changes that are FOR YOU -- those things that you know in your heart of hearts are things YOU need to work on, to be a better person and a better mate.
Starsky
Point noted Starsky but what if the changes you do in fact create confusion in the WAS? What if you notice a wavering in their resolve to continue the A? I know that my W still believes to be in love with OM but I have noticed some softening. Has anyone been on this road before? With similar results? Or am I going down a cheese-less tunnel?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I fear today's update will sound like a broken record, so I'll try to keep it brief... But I'll start with a little story:
My dreams over the last few nights have been awfully cruel to me. Since I've been working out and taking a slew of new supplements, I've had quite a few vivid dreams, which are easy to remember for days after they pass.
Well the last couple days, my subconscious brain has tortured me with dreamscapes where W and I are together again... in a not too distant future... and holy holy are we happy. Just doing banal things, vacationing, hanging at the dog park, shopping for groceries... Not exactly the stuff of Xanadu dreams...
Two mornings in a row, for the first 3 or 4 seconds upon waking, I look for W... but she's not there... her pillow hasn't moved in months... and I'm back to my reality.
This story, unfortunately a true one, will probably ring in a bunch of our heads... Maybe not the actual circumstances of dreaming and waking... but in the awful pendulum swinging that occurs when we have contact with our WAS after a period of darkness...
No matter if the conversation goes well or erupts in flames... the next day (or two or three or four...) one thing is abundantly clear (for those of us who still need to work on our detachment)... It's the absence. Being reminded of the things you're fighting for (or against) is rough, hearing their voice... their cadence... the weird way they say that one word or the way they tuck their hair behind their ear... Being reminded of the little things, if only for a minute or two, is often enough to echo in our minds for days...weeks... I know it's natural, and I know it hurts... damn I know it hurts... but it's a good kind of hurt.
It's a cleansing kind of hurt... One that will hopefully drive the next step in the changing process that I know I need to go through... Clearly with the level of pain I'm feeling today... with the almost overwhelming urge to reach out in some way (Which I won't... I promise ) I know I'm not ready to take the next step TOWARD a R... I've got more healing to do... more self discovery to do... I've got to take that next step toward becoming a better person instead of just wallowing in this self-pity and torture.
So yeah... It's been a very tough go since she's left again... and yeah, I want overwhelmingly to hear from her again... like yesterday... but I can't control her... hell, I'm having a hard time controlling ME these last couple days
But I think I can take that next step toward becoming a better person... My W might not know this, but our conversations have helped me get some clarity on a few new 180s I need to work on... on a few more things that will make me better...
And I don't know why I keep having a hard time remembering that when she said "You've given me a lot to think about... Thank you for that..." It wasn't a bad thing.
Can't say it was a good thing either... Only that it was... a thing.
And I'll be damned if there aren't at least a few moments a day that I can look through all this smoke and all this fire... and see a bright future...
For Me...
And for a few moments a day, no matter how dire it seems... for us too...
AT, I think the hardest dreams for me were also the ones where I was just dreaming of the everyday, boring stuff we used to do. Me waking up early for bootcamp and coming back to bed to cuddle for a bit before H woke up, just stuff like that.
Then I'd wake up to an empty bed and realize that those things might not ever happen again. And I realized that I didn't appreciate those moments as much as I should.
As hard as this has been, I know that if I get another chance with H, I'll never take any of it for granted. That's one of the many things I've learned on this journey.
No matter what, you do have a bright future ahead of you. Keep up the hope, for you and your M.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
